I was shining and young, and immature. I thought the world was amazing, and I hoped to have an adventure, do something spectacular. I kept waiting for a miracle, a crisis, a revelation that would change the world.

I thought maybe i'd be a missionary and save people's lives in the jungle and smuggle enemies of the state to safety or something.

Then I got sick. I started hearing voices, became depressed, all went down hill. I lost all my hopes and dreams 2 years ago, but i'm building new ones now. It was my crisis, miracle and revelation, I guess, but I don't want it anymore.

Number 47, Searchingforsolace- & yet you represent yourself here as a '16 year old'. I don't get it...how so game over at 16? Smells weird x

Searching....I vaguely recall a brain game where your mental age was found to be 57.. hmmm. Things are starting to make sense.. I thought you sounded older for your age..

I was much different before BP. Best way to describe me before was "the life of the party" - I was very outgoing and carefree. Now I am quiet and introverted and always full of worry about anything and everything. I used to have a ton of friends now I have very few people I can honestly call friends; I used to trust people - now I find it very hard to do so and only have a select few people who I allow to be close to me.

However, I am happier now than I have been since BP started - I don't think I will ever be who I was before BP. I have mourned the loss of that person. All I can do is accept that I am a new form of me and go from there.

Searching..if you are not 'young' at 16, I'm quite astonished. :)

Perhaps she's mature...but even I'm still young....and will be for another decade or 3.

Nah, I think she isn't 16...but I guess whatever floats your boat.

I wanna be 16 again. Good times. Gooooooood times. haha

;) Create a new profie & go wild :P

Ive always been this way. At 8 years old I smashed my head through a window out of frustration. I used to smash my head into brick walls till I knocked myself out.

Lou,

I don't get your point. Yes, we are all weathered but what does that have to do with BP and who you were prior to dx?

The world is the world and everyone has a difficult story in life which is not expressed on this site most times. BP has changed our lives outside of famine, war, or any political or family agenda/discontent....etc. I thought that was the topic.

Ouch Private. That doesn't sound pleasant. I hope you've stopped that now.

Lou- I'd do that, but I think my replies/posts are just too me...it'd be a dead giveaway.

I was a college student, dental hygienist for 12 years, mother, friend, fun-minded woman that stayed in monogamous relationships. Had a circle of friends, and kept in touch. Also as a child I was care free, living in the woods, climbing trees, exploring the fields and fishing, going rollerskating, swimming in ponds, and not caring is ticks and bugs clung onto me.... boy those were the days.

I mean that the reality is no one gets through life unscathed, BP or not? We're are all 'changed'..if you look at it that way.
Just to counter the kind of preciousness that can creep up about our experience, perhaps & lend another perspective.
Also, don't people sometimes idealize the past in light of present mental health issues?
All children are shiny & have potential, you could say...then many, many things occur.
Don't we all know people altered by say, things like, surviving a mass murder shooting, rape, incest, dementia, cancer, car accidents, addiction & so on?
If you take acid & trip out a whole bunch are you a different person as a result or just you but with a different twist of experience?
I do get the 'I used to be' perspective..however, felt like putting it a different way..kinda helps me put in perspective & not feel overly sorry for myself, sometimes. Is that ok? Make sense?

am I gonna be beat up now? :)