You're husband is doing the same things I did. I was too tough as a sports parent and I'd also have days of not talking to my spouse. Both are verbal abuse and you need it to stop.
Like me your husband is a narcissist. He sees a bad game as a relection on him. I don't know what makes us that way but anything wrong is internalized and then lased out against someone, usually those closest unfortunately.
The very difficult part is getting him to see it. I'm lucky I guess but it's almost impossible to see. It took me losing everyone to finally realize and then it was too late.
The only things he should say to your son after a bad game, or a loss, are "did you play hard?" "were you a good teammate?" "keep working hard it will get better", things like that. But he can't see it right now.

Anona123 brings up a good point.

Marian, does your husband "take out" your son's losses, on your son?

What does he say to your son about all the sports stuff?

It seems to me that you are very concerned about what your husband is thinking? No matter how har you try, you can’t change his thinking. He is the only one who can do that. If he seems unhappy, don’t take that upon yourself. No one can make him happy except himself.

When he acts that way, you can either react to his behavior or ignore it. Reacting to it likely gives him the power over you that he is hoping for. When you realize his behavior is his problem, not yours, you can ignore it without anxiety. If he chooses to call you names, he is simply exercising the power he wants to have over you.

Don’t let him make you the victim. If he’s ignoring you, that’s on him. You don’t have to be nice to him. You are free to ignore him too. You don’t have to treat behavior designed to control you with kindness. You can ignore him and go about your day.

It is unhealthy to let him and your son be your whole world. You need outside friends and outside interests. Make dates with girlfriends after church. Take a fun class. Take up a new hobby.

If he wants to simmer in his own anger, let him. You can’t do anything about it.

If he ever gets physically abusive with you, call the police and move out while he’s in jail.

You said you don’t want to live like this. You don’t have to. If you know it will be safe, tell him you want a trial separation. Tell him why. Don’t bluff. If you tell him, mean it. Neither you nor your son will thrive in the current environment. Focus on your son, your child, and stop worrying about your husband. He’s an adult, and he’s responsible for himself.

To Anona and GirlinCalif my son is in college. He plays a college sport. THere is a history here which I have covered in the past. He played D1 was treated very poorly , he decided he enough and transferred to a better academic school to play D3. My husband BLAMES ME FOR THE ENTIRE THING. He happened to not play well the other night is the only reason I can figure he wasnt speaking to me next day. BY the way, doesn't seem to be speaking to me again today.

Yes DogsHuman, i used to beg him what was wrong and to talk to me. Now I don't talk to him either. We spent Sunday in mostly silence. I have been ill with Covid, I can go out now, but really dont feel like doing much.

SO, today begins and we seem to be in the same boat.
He mumbled a couple things that he has a call this morning or something and walked away.

I want a life . This is way too much for me to handle.

As far as him talking to my son, NO. He was here over the holiday break. Husband makes any excuse why he doesn't talk to him.
But in my husbands head right now, I can tell you EXACTLY what he's thinking.
He is thinking and wants to tell me son isn't coming home on his next break.
(Son is a straight A student , with maybe a B thrown in there so not a bad kid by any means) He plays a sport and gets good grades.

Husband just also said to me, Dogs were barking. He said shut up. I said I am going to take the one out in a second. Husband said to me " I am not f...talking to you, I am talking to the dogs."

Yes how pleasant is this.

I cant just leave. I have pets I care about. Where would I go?

Please make it stop. I am just sitting here crying. Why did this happen to me?
I don't know what to do. Just miserable.

We all can agree your husband is an asshole.

Marian you may want to reach out to someone in your family and start confiding in them. Keeping this all under wraps is toxic to yourself. You need more than just venting here. Why can’t you confide in your sister? Tell her what’s happening. Then start putting a plan together. A plan will help you navigate leaving with the dogs. You also may want to consult an attorney first and really take a methodical calculated approach to leaving. Ask your therapist to guide you through this.

I’m not saying don’t vent here by the way. I’m saying secrets keep us sick so confiding in someone can help fortify you more than you know.

I know rmb. I need someone. But first off I really am embarrassed.
Second, my kids who are my life. I do not want to disrupt them now.

I sit here wishing I was a kid again and can start over. This doesn't even seem real. It seems like a nightmare.

Telling someone is not disrupting your kids life. That’s putting the cart before the horse. One thing at a time.

Shame serves no purpose and it’s ultimately hurting you. I mean, a little temporary embarrassment is a hell of a lot more palatable than a life time of misery in my book. If the situation were reversed and someone came to you and shared what was going on in their life with you, you lovingly support them. Don’t take that opportunity from others to help you. Don’t take it from yourself either.

rmb, I am here today shaking like a leaf.

Of course I would help anyone who came to me. And I wouldnt think they should be the one who is embarrassed or ashamed.

I don't know what to do right now.
Do you know what is weird? I think back all those years ago when we got married. I swear something just wasn't right, I am really not kidding about that. Although he wasn't like he is now, I think maybe it was his upbringing, the step father thing being an idiot, just something.
I should have went with my senses.

But you know, when the kids were infants/toddlers he was not like he is now. As they got older and we got older, that's when things began a slow change. Especially when my son got older and was involved in sports.
I think I wrote here before that I have notes I wrote whenever he would explode etc. I literally have a shoe box full dating back from when my son was probably like 10 so for about 15 years.

I am so bad today I literally feel like I cannot breathe.

Maybe you are reaching a turning point of some sort Marian. You can breath. You are breathing. You are ok.

This is a very weird thing to say I know but I think reflecting on the past, what could have been, what should have been, deflects from taking action in the present. Sometimes things just don’t make sense, whether it’s people’s behavior or our own. I guess the moments of clarity aren’t necessarily learning the why of it all. That can be contemplated another time. The moments of clarity are, why am I continuing to live like this?

Start speaking your truth beyond this board. If you do eventually all those notes about his mistreatment will barely register. One day you might even burn that thing and rise from the freakin’ ashes.

I wrote those notes all dated because if I ever needed them. They would have been important. There would be no way I could make up all those years of this crap.

I’m just not ready to tell a sibling. I’ll have to stick to my therapist at this point.
Unless things continue to get worse (which I’m sure can happen). If I had husbands mother or his sibling I would be more comfortable telling them. His mother passed away and his sister has her own problems waiting for surgery which may be cancer!

Have you talked to him about going to therapist? He could even join you on an appointment maybe.
The problem is he has a mental health issue. It's hard to solve. If he broke his arm it would hurt and he'd get it fixed. What he has doesn't hurt and the brain thinks it's right.
It's going to be hard to approach but you and your son sound very nice and are doing well. Really no reason for his attitude logically but his mind thinks it is,
Instead of being happy with your son's accomplishments he wants more. Good grades and D3 athlete is quite an accomplishment. He should be content with that. Maybe start conversation there - he needs to accept what he is and support that, not wish for more. He does need help but needs to be willing too.

Sounds like your husband may have what is known as Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Minus the physical violence as you haven't mentioned him becoming physically violent. If that is the case and I'm only speculating not diagnosing he would need to undergo Psychotherapy as nothing you can say or do is going to help him. He needs to be evaluated by a licensed mental health therapist at his own desire.

Thank you Anona and you are right. Husband feels son is underachieving.
So interesting to me that husband cannot look around and see what troubles people have with illness etc. Yes, one thing we did worry about our son is that it would mentally take a toll on him. He was a D1 athlete that was highly regarded. However, it was a toxic situation and son had enough and decided to get out. Son knows he is good enough to play the D1 level. He does seem happy now, I hope he doesn't regret it in the future (that is one of my husbands issues that son will have huge regrets down the road)
ALso, husband blames ME for not helping son get into another D1 school. Son has an advisor. Sons advisor did the work after son left his school. Because of Covid, most student athletes get an extra year to play so most schools had no room. Son decided his backup plan was a good academic school with the D3 sport. That's what he did. HUSBAND BLAMED ME for not calling advisor and playing the damsel in distress to help my son get into D1 school. Husband has spoken with agent before but not this time. So I am to blame son didn't get into another D1 school. This, you see, is the biggest issue!! (however, I do not take the blame, I mean that is ridiculous)
Son has gotten very good grades even with the transfer to a more difficult academic environment.

Yes wolvessonata he definitely needs help and at the very least a therapist.
Because he thinks he is right. He also thinks any outside person would agree with him!