Yeah I mean I have mastered NOTHING. I've by no means conquered anything. I am very good at compartmentalizing when I'm stressed and my anxiety is something I've had as long I can remember so that has given me lots of years to figure out how to work with it or around it, I guess. But ultimately like most people, I'm a work in progress. Thank god, right? I mean we want to keep growing and learning. I do.

I have never taken medication for anxiety but I would if it was completely disrupting my life and my ability to function or be happy. What helped me was utilizing therapy for a time or two. The longest stint of therapy I've done is 6 months and I just made the most of that time learning about myself and what I can do to help myself.

As far as enjoying my life, I am not a religious person per se but I feel like it's a kind of sin to not enjoy life. That's just my personal take. I don't know. I almost died several years ago due to a critical health issue so I honestly think that informed a "get busy living or get busy dying" philosophy. I still have anxiety of course, but I sort of treat it like a minor annoyance, like a gnat that flies around my head.

Make peace with anxiety. It's so much easier to deal with when you do.

Thank you everyone for your support. I mean you don’t know what this means to me. You all make so much sense, and I’m embarrassed sometimes about what I’m saying, so it’s so good to be able to say it here.
I am religious to the extent I believe in God I attend mass. And there was a period of time my anxiety was bad that I wasn’t going to church and that really hurt because that’s where I find it peaceful. So I am glad that I am back at mass every week. And yes it’s believed you are supposed to let God take your anxiety from you. I try to work religion in when I’m suffering but just another work in progress.

Marian,

Have you considered going back on Lexapro, or some other kind of SSRI?

Then you would have 24 hours of constant anti-anxiety, anti-depression medication in you, and my opinion is that it would help your mood greatly.

Medication won't fix everything of course, but it really does help lots of people. It can really improve quality of life for some people. Maybe worth trying again?

I take my SSRI every day, and also take a Benzo. For 25 years now.

I would pray about it but also I would try some calming methods to assist with sleeping through the night. I usually light candles, listen to some calming music, drink some sleep aid hot tea, and reading my bible usually puts me to sleep. If all fails I'll have one glass of wine, CBD gummies, or melatonin gummies, and that usually does it for me. You'll get through it do something that keeps your mind and soul at peace. If you work at doing that it will definitely go away.

It’s mainly like right now I wake up and boom here we go again. I want cry to not have this feeling again this morning.

Do you or any of you have this feeling right upon waking.
I don’t want to do it again. That’s what I was saying yesterday. How do I get rid of it ?
I’m sorry I keep bothering you all with my crap over and over again. But I’m at my wits end now.

When I said I need help and sound like a baby, if I didn’t have young adult children I would embarrass, I would want to find somewhere to go to get the help I need. ( but then again if I didn’t have children I may not be going through this).

Your adult children are living their own lives away from you. Unless your kids are emotionally stunted and immature, I highly doubt they would be embarrassed. And even if they were, not your problem. This embarrassment thing is distorted thinking.

One is young enough he still comes home from college.
They text me everyday call when needed. They need advice, they need to tell me things. They do not need to think there mother is in this condition.
Even on my worst day, if they call, I put myself in an entirely different mood so they do not know.
But there are days I just want to run away.

I have experience the waking up too early and being suddenly in the midst of anxiety. I think there are a couple of things at play when that happens. First, our body releases cortisol to wake us up. So, there's a stimulant being released into our system. Then, for myself, when I perceive I'm waking up too early then I assume something is wrong, which puts me in a state of hyper vigilance and negative judgements. So, then we start trying to figure out what's wrong (because something _must_ be wrong) and there goes the anxiety.

I experience it sometimes this time of year even when I wake up around my normal time because it's still dark out, which makes it feel much earlier than it is. Waking up in the dark doesn't "feel right", so my brain starts trying to figure out what's wrong and that can trigger anxiety. I kind of have to intervene with my brain and say "Nothing is wrong. It's a normal wake up time, it's just still dark out because it's Fall."

Hope that makes sense, it's still early and I'm still waking up.

Brockster. It’s true the darkness doesn’t help, but I’ve been going through this for so long. Today I actually had to get up and leave for a car service appointment. I feel like , while I’m sitting here, that life is going on and I’m just a blob sitting here. Everyone working here is chit chatting. I’m sitting here wanting to jump out of my skin.

“They do not need to think their mother is in this condition.” No offense but It’s not 1956.

Most young people these days are much more savvy about mental health and don’t necessarily see it as a character issue or moral failing. If you had a physical medical issue, surely they would want you to get help and be well. Most kids want their moms to be happy and whole.

I get not wanting to worry your kids. I do wonder if deep down you are afraid that by not being available to them 24/7, it would reveal they may not need you as much as you need them to need you, given the whole empty nest thing you have been going through. Dunno.

Hope you find the balance.

I know that don’t need me. That was my job in the first place, to prepare them the best I could for real life.
They need for questions or maybe something they haven’t dealt with, but they both live on their own and take care of their daily lives
I would really want to do everything in my power to get any help I need outside of going somewhere to do so. I actually have an appointment set up for tomorrow for a clinic with face to face therapy. (Since COVID most do it via zoom which I cannot stand). So I am looking forward to my first meeting.

Great that you have an appointment tomorrow! This is wonderful.

Also I am not suggesting need to go away to get help. I only mentioned going somewhere because you mentioned it was something you would want to do if it weren’t for your kids.

Yes my other therapy is zoom calls which are so difficult I find. So I am looking forward to going. Tomorrow is an intake session. Then we will se how often I should be going etc.

Especially that we were at it again here at home. My husband had his blowup session. He still accuses me of the blame with the whole thing with my son. He said life will never be the same as he will never get over it. And he went on to just yell at me and put me down,

SAD

Marian,

Have you considered going back on the Lexapro, or try a different SSRI?

My opinion, from all that you have written in your posts, is it would really help you to feel a lot better.

I have begun to slowly get back on the lexapro.
I have been on it before. Yes, it may make me more stable.

But all these problems I am writing about do not go away.
These meds are bandaids. I have serious problems to solve.