there is a solution....it is to get your ass into AA....did you get caught yet or on the lamb? if not caught then you have some thing to think about.....getting caught is not the worst thing if you have been caught already....the worst thing is thinking that ending your own life will solve anything....

The Steps of AA are built for a recovery from alcoholics who have had much shame in their lifetime and also can be worked but care needs to be taken thru them by someone who is qualified to teach you how to work thru them....someone who has taken them themselves....so get to a meeting if you can....it sure cannot hurt if your suicidal....

Hopelost28, In 2011, my sons father (we were married at the time) and I were in a car accident. He died instantly and my entire life was destroyed in that moment. I was hooked on heroin, but drank a lot too. The guilt ate me alive. The one thing I had to do to get myself through it, I had to find some sort of positive to focus on. Everyday I did that. No matter how small or insignificant it was. I ended up in rehab off and on for almost a year. We can't go back and change whats happened in our lives, but we can try to learn from them and move forward. I found sobriety in AA. I mean REAL sobriety in AA. Over time, I forgot everything I had learned and turned away from it. I relapsed after a few years, not on heroin, but alcohol.

I went to a meeting today. And there were so many people there. A lot of new comers, they just got out of detox, rehab, jail, those whove had real sober years, but are struggling, those that are about to go into treatment but are scared. Those that have worked hard to stay clean and there to share their stories so hopefully others who are struggling to keep clean or those there for their first time can see that its possible even when it seems impossible.

I hope you find the kindness in here as I have from everyone. Sending you love, peace and hope.

Hope:

The past is in the past. If you really want sobriety you have to work towards it. Get to a meeting. Don’t worry about being a fraud. You will find every person in those rooms have suffered the same shame and embarrassment.

The problem for alcoholics is, no matter how bad the regret and remorse and shame, over time alcohol tricks us into drinking again.

That is unless you are working a strong program, whatever it is. It doesn’t have to be AA, but it worked for me and countless others.

It is terrible to have to hit a hard wall before your eyes are opened but as bad of a saying as it is, better late than never. I found myself running towards that wall once and I am slowly trying to regain the strength to climb back up so do not stay down Champ!

Thank you all for the responses. I really appreciate it. The thing is that it wasn't just this that really opened my eyes, it opened a window into my whole life. I have done so many bad things that the shame is eating me alive. I was a good person away from alcohol. I feel it is too late. And I don't want it to be.

I didn't get arrested, but it was on tape and I will be arrested soon. Report sent downtown for charges to be filed. They haven't been filed yet, but will be. Been over a month now.
Yes, the suicidal part is worse than a meeting. I will be going to one tonight.
I suppose a comeback at this age seems very impossible. Havent drank since the incident, but the shame is awful. Never done something like this in my life. I will take all your advice and start to deal with it at least with AA for now. Haven't showered in three weeks and just a wreck. It was for damaging someone's property. No memory of it hardly but know I did it.

Hopelost28, I think it is very brave of you to share what you have. If you are feeling suicidal, there may be resources where you are to help. Please do not give up hope. You've taken the first step.

wow this brings back a memory for me. I had a few too many drinks at a political party and on the way home was drunk, looking at my phone and i hit a mailbox... I got up the next day with the same feelings of guilt and remorse. I Prayed the police would not come to my door.

Heres the bottom line. I deciced to go back and ask please could I fix the mailbox.. it was humiliating. I fixed it and the cops never pursued the other driving charge or dui or ?/

Take a dam shower, get out there and make it right, start to deal with the alcoholism.. Just stopping is like a stagecoach coming into town.. You may stop but a huge cloud of dust is still coming and will settle eventually.

That was about 7 years ago. I found some help soon after the incicent.

1is2many

Thank you for the reply. If it was as simple as apologizing and paying to fix it I would. I would in a heartbeat. And my apology would be sincere

I believe strongly that nothing happens by accident. I know it sounds cruel in some situations. But most of the time we are sent messages to learn that we need to change. The more we ignore these the more intense they get until the wake up call has to be so loud that we can’t ignore it anymore. We never see the big picture right away. Blessings are disguised all the time. So embrace this one. Change is hard for everyone but it’s harder if we don’t read the signs. Bests

I got a fortune cookie one time and the fortune inside said "Everyday is a new life to a wise man."

I will keep it forever because it reminds me that no matter how bad yesterday was, I can be better today than I was yesterday...and so can you.

If you know for a fact you will be charged eventually, do you think they might be more lenient on you of you just turn yourself in? Tell them you have a problem and are getting help (but actually go get help then...AA or counseling) and that you will do whatever you need to do to make it right.

If you damaged someone's property, you should really make things right with them.

Unfortunately I can't simply apologize. The police are involved. So, I am facing charges at some point.

Im not saying to simply apologize....I'm saying face the charges and pay for what you damaged and make it right.

We have all made mistakes and many have gotten arrested and faced charges. I'm certainly not trying to down play your predicament...but you can make things right and move on. Criminal charges are a lesson, not a life ruiner.

At least you didn’t kill anybody, you could be getting life in a jail to add to the humiliation.

Thank you all for the comments and support. It does help. As far as going to make it right, there is nothing more than I would rather do and I would be glad to do it and make an apology. I have a lawyer because charges are probably going to be filed, and he has advised me not to speak to the people or the police. If a private arrangement could be arranged to pay them back, I would. So for five weeks now I am just waiting to be arrested. It is hell..
I agree as well that things happen for a reason and if we don't get the message, a more intense thing happens to wake us up. I feel like I really did wake up this time, but at the same time, the repercussions are so damaging that I can't see a way out of this to move forward. I did shower though today.