jamesross

About Me

Living in Toronto now, which is my home city where I grew up. I believe I grew up with depression, but never knew it back then. I\'ve struggled with addictions most of my life, which have gotten progressively worse. I lost a brother when I was around my mid 20\'s, which blew my world all apart. I tried to be normal by getting married, but my mother died the next day. So we never even had a honeymoon. I just went further into drinking to kill the pain. I became a chef. Had 2 kids, and thought I was a good husband and father, and that life should be rosy. I did try with what I thought, and knew, and by trying to be the same as my father, and what I seen on T.V. After 7 years everything to do with my marriage and children went away. I learned much later that I had been an alcoholic in such a fog that I really didn\'t know what was really happening. I couldn\'t differentiate what was real and what was fantasy. My wife changed the phone number one day, and that\'s the last time I heard from her or my children. I got into recovery and tried doing all the right things to see my kids, but that never happened. For 15 years I kept the hope that one day I would still see my wife and be able to say I was sorry, but I got a phone call from a probation officer one day telling me that my wife had passed away and my brother in law wanted custody of the kids. I didn\'t give him custody, but I did sign the house over so he could look after my kids better because while drinking and doing drugs I sure couldn\'t. He said I could see the kids, but that was just a lie and I never heard from him again. So, I\'ve been beating myself up with drugs and alcohol ever since, with brief attempts at recovery that haven\'t been successful. I keep trying, but I\'m at my worst bottom I think, which is just a step from being dead, but I\'m trying again. Almost everyday I struggle with the guilt, and remorse of the past. I\'ve tried lots of ways to work through it, but it still hurts a lot. Especially concerning my wife. I feel like the worst person ever. I know I\'m not, because I can often help others out so much. I just don\'t think I can like myself. I\'ve recently went to detox for a week and got kicked out for coming back late from a walk. got scared about where to go, or what to do and had 3 beers soon after, but realized that to drink is to die for me. I\'m trying recovery again through A.A, and here on D.S. It gives me hope. I feel much better, but the obsession is very much alive. I know I have a long way to go, but for now recovery is my main focus.