Everything is so hard.
Boy, do I feel very anxious and just damned scared of everything. My mind won't stop and I just feel so tired and drained, but I'm not really doing anything. Not working, or exerting myself. I just feel like I'm old. I'm getting good sleep, but I feel like my head has pressure behind my eyeballs. I got a cold a few weeks ago, and it seems like it doesn't want to completely go away. Always got that nagging little headach.
I'm worrying about anything under the sun, especially getting older and passing away later on. I feel like I've just wasted my whole life away, so what's the point now. I know the point is that drinking only makes everything worse. I become a very selfish, self centered person. I'll lie, cheat, and steal, and become so disgusting that I can't even stand myself. All those thoughts of wishing I were dead everyday will surely be there, and it would only be a matter of time before I would get the nerve to really do something. I just won't ever have another chance to become a good, useful person, or ever gain back my self respect, which I feel is totally depleted now.
Yes, it's a bit of self pity for all the stupid decisions I've made in my life, that have contributed greatly to the misery of everyone I ever cared about, as well as my own, and thousands of people that I affected on a daily basis most of my life. I know I can't change what's happened in the past, but right now I can't see any light or way out of this. At times I think that God is punishing me, but I know that's not true. I do know that where I am in life right now, which seems like nowhere with nothing, is all my own doing, but damned, it's seems like such a complete mess that I can never even think of real happiness. Can I really find, peace, happiness and joy through all this? I don't know, but I never will know if I go back drinking.
Since getting my cheque I was having a hard time making a withdrawel. I was sure I had $200.00 in my account, but for about a week I couldn't get any money. I thought perhaps the statement I got made a mistake. I only found out that this account was still open about a week ago, so I just accepted that I was probably wrong.
Actually I would have spent the money on drugs. I wanted some back then, and still do, but I know I can't. But yesterday I decided to try a machine by one of my own bank branches with a new card they sent me. Guess what? I got the $200.00 out. I was a little scared at first because having money in my pocket was giving me trouble. I would end up buying,"Just a little bit," and end up broke a lot sooner than I anticipated, and then be mad at myself for it.
I also know that for my recovery I can't do it while doing drugs, because it just alters my thinking. I think that my thinking has really been altered enough already. I'm in the midst of having a battle with myself now about smoking weed. I thought it would be alright to just smoke weed for a bit, until I could get some sobriety under my belt, but I think it's causing me to feel very anxious and nervouse. I feel that paranoia that people often talk about with weed. And of course for myself weed has always just made me stupid. I smoked it for years when I was younger, but then kinda grew out of it. I only smoked it occassionaly for a long time. I could buy a dime and it could last me a week or so. But when I got my cheque I let a sales person talk me into buying a quarter ounce, so now I feel I have to smoke it because I can't throw it out, and I don't want to give it away because it cost me money to buy. Isn't that insane thinking? I know that my sobriety, and recovery is dependent on my being clear headed, but I don't want to get rid of the weed, and it's most likely the thing that's causing me all this nervousness. the only reason I used to tolerate it before was that I drank mostly with it.
I do want to stop the weed, and I will, but it seems like for now I'll just have to smoke what I have first. I don't have the courage to get rid of it right now. Wow! Doesn't that sound like a bunch of crap? Alright, I'm going to try not smoking weed, during the day anyway.
I'm also noticing that I have a lot of trouble letting people help me. I don't tell them hardly anything. I'm scared of what they may think. I want to create an image, and be something I'm not. Anything, but me. It's hard in groups that I go to, to say anything, and I haven't been honest or open with my sponsor. I get scared of raising my hand and letting people know I'm scared, and I just sit and listen. I have been forcing myself to open up, just a bit, but it's hard. Perhaps I'm expecting too much of myself right now, but I know I can't recover on my own. I need people. All this creates that world of lonliness because I isolate from others by doing it. I am trying though.
The guy I work for at times has also been on my mind a lot. I used to shop lift a lot of tools for this guy, and then fight like hell to get any money for them. It created resentments, and a lot of anger because I felt he always took advantage of my addictions, and my need for the money to get them. I'm staying in a basement apartment in his home. It's not great, but I sleep good, have a nice mattress to sleep on, can cook and eat, shower, but it worries me. I know it was me that did the stuff I did for him. I don't blame him for that. I just have a feeling of mistrust with him. He is helping me by letting me stay there. I'm able to get to meetings, and I'm safe and out of the cold. I don't have to live in the shelters anymore, thank God, because I really became a mess there. it's just that this guy seems to have an addiction of some sort too. It's not drinking or drugs, but I wonder that it might be money or something. He's Muslim, and seems to be a good guy for the most part, but he seems alright doing things that seem not right to me, and even illeagle. He doesn't do crime himself, but doesn't have much problem as long as he benefits from crimes. He'll go to his temple and pray and all that, but it seems more of a social thing as far as I see it. Yes, I know it's taking his inventory, but I think that's a normal thing to do when people are trying to see if they can trust others. I try not to get too wrapped up about his stuff, but I've told him I'm not doing it anymore. The criminal stuff anyway.
But the other day he was talking to me, and told me about these credit cards he got from some people that work in banks. It's something like they get them for you for 40%, and you get 60%, and then you claim bankruptcy. Suposedly this can be done up to 3 times, then the police come after you. So on an $100.000 card you will get $60.000 to keep. Without much thought I said I wanted that. I don't have hardly anything right now, and I could do a lot with that money, but damned it. I know it's wrong.
Oh well, for right now I'm just staying sober. That seems to be enough to focus on as it is. Thank you, Lord.
I'm worrying about anything under the sun, especially getting older and passing away later on. I feel like I've just wasted my whole life away, so what's the point now. I know the point is that drinking only makes everything worse. I become a very selfish, self centered person. I'll lie, cheat, and steal, and become so disgusting that I can't even stand myself. All those thoughts of wishing I were dead everyday will surely be there, and it would only be a matter of time before I would get the nerve to really do something. I just won't ever have another chance to become a good, useful person, or ever gain back my self respect, which I feel is totally depleted now.
Yes, it's a bit of self pity for all the stupid decisions I've made in my life, that have contributed greatly to the misery of everyone I ever cared about, as well as my own, and thousands of people that I affected on a daily basis most of my life. I know I can't change what's happened in the past, but right now I can't see any light or way out of this. At times I think that God is punishing me, but I know that's not true. I do know that where I am in life right now, which seems like nowhere with nothing, is all my own doing, but damned, it's seems like such a complete mess that I can never even think of real happiness. Can I really find, peace, happiness and joy through all this? I don't know, but I never will know if I go back drinking.
Since getting my cheque I was having a hard time making a withdrawel. I was sure I had $200.00 in my account, but for about a week I couldn't get any money. I thought perhaps the statement I got made a mistake. I only found out that this account was still open about a week ago, so I just accepted that I was probably wrong.
Actually I would have spent the money on drugs. I wanted some back then, and still do, but I know I can't. But yesterday I decided to try a machine by one of my own bank branches with a new card they sent me. Guess what? I got the $200.00 out. I was a little scared at first because having money in my pocket was giving me trouble. I would end up buying,"Just a little bit," and end up broke a lot sooner than I anticipated, and then be mad at myself for it.
I also know that for my recovery I can't do it while doing drugs, because it just alters my thinking. I think that my thinking has really been altered enough already. I'm in the midst of having a battle with myself now about smoking weed. I thought it would be alright to just smoke weed for a bit, until I could get some sobriety under my belt, but I think it's causing me to feel very anxious and nervouse. I feel that paranoia that people often talk about with weed. And of course for myself weed has always just made me stupid. I smoked it for years when I was younger, but then kinda grew out of it. I only smoked it occassionaly for a long time. I could buy a dime and it could last me a week or so. But when I got my cheque I let a sales person talk me into buying a quarter ounce, so now I feel I have to smoke it because I can't throw it out, and I don't want to give it away because it cost me money to buy. Isn't that insane thinking? I know that my sobriety, and recovery is dependent on my being clear headed, but I don't want to get rid of the weed, and it's most likely the thing that's causing me all this nervousness. the only reason I used to tolerate it before was that I drank mostly with it.
I do want to stop the weed, and I will, but it seems like for now I'll just have to smoke what I have first. I don't have the courage to get rid of it right now. Wow! Doesn't that sound like a bunch of crap? Alright, I'm going to try not smoking weed, during the day anyway.
I'm also noticing that I have a lot of trouble letting people help me. I don't tell them hardly anything. I'm scared of what they may think. I want to create an image, and be something I'm not. Anything, but me. It's hard in groups that I go to, to say anything, and I haven't been honest or open with my sponsor. I get scared of raising my hand and letting people know I'm scared, and I just sit and listen. I have been forcing myself to open up, just a bit, but it's hard. Perhaps I'm expecting too much of myself right now, but I know I can't recover on my own. I need people. All this creates that world of lonliness because I isolate from others by doing it. I am trying though.
The guy I work for at times has also been on my mind a lot. I used to shop lift a lot of tools for this guy, and then fight like hell to get any money for them. It created resentments, and a lot of anger because I felt he always took advantage of my addictions, and my need for the money to get them. I'm staying in a basement apartment in his home. It's not great, but I sleep good, have a nice mattress to sleep on, can cook and eat, shower, but it worries me. I know it was me that did the stuff I did for him. I don't blame him for that. I just have a feeling of mistrust with him. He is helping me by letting me stay there. I'm able to get to meetings, and I'm safe and out of the cold. I don't have to live in the shelters anymore, thank God, because I really became a mess there. it's just that this guy seems to have an addiction of some sort too. It's not drinking or drugs, but I wonder that it might be money or something. He's Muslim, and seems to be a good guy for the most part, but he seems alright doing things that seem not right to me, and even illeagle. He doesn't do crime himself, but doesn't have much problem as long as he benefits from crimes. He'll go to his temple and pray and all that, but it seems more of a social thing as far as I see it. Yes, I know it's taking his inventory, but I think that's a normal thing to do when people are trying to see if they can trust others. I try not to get too wrapped up about his stuff, but I've told him I'm not doing it anymore. The criminal stuff anyway.
But the other day he was talking to me, and told me about these credit cards he got from some people that work in banks. It's something like they get them for you for 40%, and you get 60%, and then you claim bankruptcy. Suposedly this can be done up to 3 times, then the police come after you. So on an $100.000 card you will get $60.000 to keep. Without much thought I said I wanted that. I don't have hardly anything right now, and I could do a lot with that money, but damned it. I know it's wrong.
Oh well, for right now I'm just staying sober. That seems to be enough to focus on as it is. Thank you, Lord.
Replies