"I was afraid it was my last chance at love." Swelsha, that is exactly why I stayed in my current marriage as long as I did. It is the reason I sometimes doubt my decision to end it. It is a fear of being alone, for me; fear of not being in that one awesome relationship that we want. As I realize it is not my last chance at love, because what I received was not love, I have better days.

I saw this yesterday and thought of you sunny: Love cannot be found where it doesn't exist. There's a difference between being patient with someone and wasting your time.

Sunny, when you are ready, you will know and you will act. We are here for you through whatever decision you make.

i love that nurse mom...you will know when the time is right...


i felt that way too very much so, while in it and desperately afraid of that....my last chance at love... now i don't even think about that....b/c i'm focusing on my life and living my own life and finding myself that i don't even want to be in a relatoibsbip yet....plus I've set some bottom lines before i can let myself get in another relationsbhip which haven't happened yet. it feels healthy to me......

it's a pretty big carrot too, the idea of a loving relationship that i'm willing to keep working on myself and my bottom lines so i can have that one day...

I work for my Husbands company at the moment Swelsha. He pays my wages. I have kept my own bank account and my own name on everything but my passport and drivers licence.
He makes me use my wages for food but I feel it is a small freedom for me.

I jumped into my relationship with him as I was tired, I found life exhausting. The dating, the meeting the rent and feeding my children, And I have no pension and no house so the future looked grim. I was half way through my studies and had no idea if I had a job at the end of it. So here comes this guy who was happy and willing to take on my children and give me a home so in my tired and emotional state I jumped into his arms!!! I think Finn once said I traded my emotional security for my financial security. He promised me the world and I chose to believe the fantasy he showed me. I think that was the hardest reality I had to see, the reality not the fantasy. That stung!

it just goes to show sunny that you did the best you could and you did what you thought was right...and if you had had a crystal ball to see into your future you might have chosen differently who knows...but it makes perfect sense to me why you married your husband....

for me there was something about the process of the 12 step programs that helped me really face the truth about myself and my life and my choices. and in that setting it didn't hurt that much. i'm pretty sure it was b/c we are all just human making human decisions and no one judged there were people there who had done much much worse than me and i didn't judge them. there were people there who hadn't done as much damage as i have. it didn't really matter in the end. all that mattered was humility. we got to stand up and say i have a problem/a disease, i own it, this is where i went wrong this is the damage i've caused to myself and others and i'm sorry. simple as that. it ended there and for me there was tremendous freedom in being able to tell someone about my shame and my secrets and still be loved. i came out of it at the time, very humble and very free from burden. i felt clean. EVERYTHING about me and my past was okay. i could tell you about my character defects and know that it was all okay b/c i'm human. i think co dependents try to be superhuman. the stuff we judge ourselves for is sort of ridiculous. oh my gawd i spilled a cup of coffee!!! oh my heavens i raised my voice!!

there are people out there living with much worse, thriving knowing they killed someone while drunk driving, or shook a baby while drunk and now that baby is disabled for life, affairs galore...

it's just life.....all we have to do is admit our faults and accept ourselves anyway. then we get to move on and try to do our best every day. my new personal trainer is in the program too and she said her only goal every day since she got sober is to not be an asshole everyday! if she can do that she has had a good day. we all have baggage. and personality flaws or traits that we could work on. so we sit down and say

okay i'm selfish. i'm a liar. i'm a cheater. whatever. what's the opposite of that???? then every morning we strive for the opposite of our past mistakes.

any one of us would have married your husband probably under those circumstances sunny. lol......

repeat after me: i am lovable and capable. i am a good person. i work at being the best mom i can be. my intentions are good. i was not trying to hurt anyone including myself when i married my husband. all is well for today. all i have to do is today forever more....

Thats great - and thanks nurse mom for thinking of me!
I know I will act when I am ready.

I have been working on not being so hard on myself. If I mess up I just die inside - I collapse and shrink in on myself. I did something the other day which was criticised and I just went quiet and mousey. Like I didn't deserve to exist as I was so rubbish. Its so silly. I gave myself a moment and thought how would someone else react if I had said something critical to them…? …its ok right - to express our dislikes about things. But I just go to pieces like I am the biggest failure ever and I should have known how to do it right and how they liked. Like I expect myself to be a mind reader - trying to anticipate every need they may have….jeeez like I expect myself to be one of the X-men ( women!) !!!
So it has helped to try and detach with this - is that what I'm doing?!

Also the fear - Im afraid of getting out there and doing stuff and then finding he realises he doesn't need me around after all….thats the fear right there. But I know if I do more stuff I will be happier and stronger and won't care so much what he wants or needs from me.

leaps and bounds sunny!!

truly that is amazing compared to where you started!! without awareness what could ever be done??? you are now noticing and that is HUGE! sometimes that's all we have to do is notice....and without judgment is wonderful!!! that's exactly and purely beneficial!!! you really are coming out of your shell moving about your life now!!!! it's wonderful to see!!!

Thanks Finn, Im having a shaky scared day today though but over-thinking isn't helpful is it!
x

omg not for me!! whenever i overthink i freeze. literally even just for a workout if i anticipate and allow myself to overthink it i lose all nerve and motivation and come to practically tears knowing it's going to physically hurt really badly. i just to just put my suit on my shoes on and show up without thinking anything about it. ad then i can get through it.

overthinking is my enemy.

i like how you said that i'm having a shaky scared day today.....how much peace would it bring you to just accept that some days will be more shaky and scared and scarier than other days??? this is just for today. tomorrow is another new day a fresh start.... keep up the great work sunny!!

actually... i have more to add.

my brain wants me dead. and it wants to kill me. literally. my stinking thinking is so bad. my alcoholic brain is so bad that it literally wants me to fail and shrivel up and die. if i listened to my brain i would already be dead. you may think i'm exaggerating but i'm really not.

this is what i learned from my break up. that if i follow my own brain and my own heart i will end up desolate, abused, victimized, dead one day. i have to rely on those who have gone before me who have a brain like mine to show me the way. i do trust them. many have been through wayyyy worse and they have found a way to get out so i KNOW i could too. it's like a group consciousness thing that i try to live by. and when i'm not sure i call one of my people and ask for advice.

i think especially alcoholics and addicts try to be extremely self sufficient which i have come to understand is a bad thing. none of us, no one person can do life alone. if i see someone who has what i want i ask them how they did that. and then i trust them to guide me...

but this is very 12 steppy. not everyone believes this. i have tried the self sufficient way again and again. relying on my own knowledge and my own brain and it always got worse for me. in fact that is exactly how i enede up in all of my abusive relationships.

anyway i just was tickled when you said i'm having a crap day but i'm not overthinking it.....brilliant progress!!

x x x

some days I wake up shaking and close to tears. Sometimes I surrender to it other times I don't.

I try and tell my H that Im having a shaky day, when Im crying over breakfast, and that I might need the odd hug. but us british don't do that do we - we just freeze up and keep going - still upper lip and all that!

Thanks for your kind words Finn.
I fight reaching for the bottle everyday…I'm not an alcoholic but fear I could be!!!
It soothes me and calms my shakes but I can't go down that road. Its not the answer. I know that.
xx

i know the number one reason i drank was bc of major anxiety/ptsd...and avoidance. l know it feels good to get the relaxation....it really does work, temporarily.

it really does add so much complication and wastes so much time and could potentially kill you b/c we're never sure how far down we'd go....

i'm glad you are aware again that is what you need for prevention.....prevention is actually not drinking knowing it could turn into a problem. trying to control it and thinking that we can is what got me into the addiction. i know its really hard to not want that relief.....

also, there is research that says that whatever you track goes down. so in DBT she had me track on a counter on my cell phone every time i had a judgmental thought toward myself.

it worked!!!

thats a good fact to know!

I was thinking in bed last night - that I try really hard every day to be perfect, to not mess up in any way. So I am always going to bed disappointed in myself! And that in itself is me being not perfect - the striving for perfection!
It doesn't help that my H is telling me I shouldn't be cross with my daughter or I shouldn't speak to people like that or I was rude to someone! Im then in agonies trying to figure out if I was rude. I know I can be blunt sometimes but don't think I am rude. I then go to that person and apologise and they don't know what I am talking about! Exhausting. Next time he does it Im going to tell him to stop putting me down.

and butt out bucko! thank you very much but i'm aware of how i am toward others and if i'm rude i will take care of it...

Doctors appointment tonight.
Im seeing her for a referral to a therapist.
Wondering if I should accept some anti-depressants.
Im not sure, as far as Ive tried them the side effects are not helpful….but I'm not sure. Cant go on crying every day and wanting to not live.

what do you think ?
shall I take them?