Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I have been trying to work on this,
not sure how to really so if any one can offer me any pointers…please jump in!
My latest seizure feeling is a stupid table.
I know its irrational but it was given to him by an ex and he has displayed strong feelings about keeping it, he only recently confessed where his emotional attachment comes from.
I think this confuses me….because this is the woman who worked for him as his manager, was his wife's best friend and who he had an 8 year affair with while married to his wife. ( the best friend) they used to go out in a foursome and the whole thought of all that bare faced deceit just makes me so sick. I have a very violent reaction to what they did. Then I found out he had left her money in his last will. When I ask him about this relationship he says there was no emotional attachment it was just physical. Now this just doesn't add up for me and is where the confusion comes in for me, it feels like he is lying to me or Im missing something?!!!
But my reaction to him wanting to keep this table ( its only a bloody table!!!) is really upsetting. It was on its way to the charity shop and now I find he has put it in his new office!!!
I feel sick.
I know I am being irrational.
and i hate that too.
Lots of things about myself upset me right now.
My husband tells me in one breath I am a horrible person, then he loves me, then when I tell him I feel really down on myself he says that reflects badly on him….
Im so confused.
not sure how to really so if any one can offer me any pointers…please jump in!
My latest seizure feeling is a stupid table.
I know its irrational but it was given to him by an ex and he has displayed strong feelings about keeping it, he only recently confessed where his emotional attachment comes from.
I think this confuses me….because this is the woman who worked for him as his manager, was his wife's best friend and who he had an 8 year affair with while married to his wife. ( the best friend) they used to go out in a foursome and the whole thought of all that bare faced deceit just makes me so sick. I have a very violent reaction to what they did. Then I found out he had left her money in his last will. When I ask him about this relationship he says there was no emotional attachment it was just physical. Now this just doesn't add up for me and is where the confusion comes in for me, it feels like he is lying to me or Im missing something?!!!
But my reaction to him wanting to keep this table ( its only a bloody table!!!) is really upsetting. It was on its way to the charity shop and now I find he has put it in his new office!!!
I feel sick.
I know I am being irrational.
and i hate that too.
Lots of things about myself upset me right now.
My husband tells me in one breath I am a horrible person, then he loves me, then when I tell him I feel really down on myself he says that reflects badly on him….
Im so confused.
i would let the table go. it's only a table you're right. the issue is the f*cked up affair he had on his ex wife. there is no mistaking that for W.R.O.N.G. there is nothing confusing about that.
be clear sunny. you are having feelings that are valid and legit and the confusion comes in when you try to stuff them down again to makes things okay for him.
for example "Lots of things about myself upset me right now.
My husband tells me in one breath I am a horrible person, then he loves me, then when I tell him I feel really down on myself he says that reflects badly on him" that is some crazy making sh*t right there. it is irrational. but trying to change it or make sense out of it is what is making you take full and complete responsibility for an assclown's behavior that is not your responsibility.
you are
invalidating yourself
being hard on yourself
driving yourself crazy
blaming yourself
calling yourself irrational
hating yourself
giving all of your power away
confusing yourself
not trusting yourself
bending yourself inside out
STOP THAT, sunny stop it. right now. put the blame where the blame belongs and then realize that you cannot change him. you're gonna have to detach if you are going to stay with someone who mind*cks you up sunny!!
please hear this if nothing else: there is nothing wrong with you. you are not irrational. you are not to blame. you are not confused. you are simple choosing to stay with someone who is playing with you. that's it. sunny keep that clear and the rest will fall into place. stop taking responsibility for his stupid behavior and choices. i'm sorry sunny i know you have gone back and forth about him being a narcissist but this is what partners of narcissists do. they become passive and self involved and believe that EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IS BECAUSE OF THEM/US.
i spent my entire life sunny believing this to the core. not even in thought form. i researched and studied and went to grad school and worked my ass off and went to therapy after therapy after therapy trying to fix myself according to what my narcissist was telling me. it's classic abused woman syndrome. we don't have a sense of self so we allow them to tell us who we are and what we believe.
can you see sunny?? you are turning this around on yourself and hating yourself without any perspective that this is not healthy behavior. this is crazy making shit. projection is the game in narcissism. he sees you as an extension of him and if you have your own opinions he will go to work until that is changed back to his opinion....
on some level you have a great amount of strength and you are are questioning this but falling short.
the only way you can protect yourself is to detach....the self proclaim narcissist and psychopath sam vatkin says the only way to protect yourself against narcissism is to go no contact. since that is not an option for you keep practicing detachment.
what sou dlyou have told me if i came here and said my husband had an 8 year affair with his ex wife's best friend right under her nose and then put this woman in his will??????? and he is attached to her still????
there is nothing you can say to make that feel better.....
you have to stop hating on yourself sunny. this is where he gets power over you. you believe him. you buy into the lies about you. you made a poor decision to marry a narcissist and you are not in a position to leave HOWEVER you are aware of this, you are working on yourself, you are stronger now, you are seeking support now...you have a lot going for you....keep your head down and focus on developing who you are and what you like. and save some money sunny for god's sake save some money. even a few pounds a month. whatever you can DO IT! and don't ever give up........even if you never leave him you will have some money that you can go on a retreat with without him.
I know how right that all is.
I find myself telling myself I can't do things and have to ask him how to…but I know I can do anything I want / need to.
I was moving forward with my art academy and he chipped in with,' you know I have run craft classes for children too, I can help you do it the right way.'
gawd how my heart sank.
I want this for me, not US for me. And I know the money I earn he will dock the 'wages' he gives me to that amount but I don't care anymore.
I get so so down and am not sure why. Its confusing. He doesn't hit me or anything I can see or feel like that.
Im still unravelling myself inside.
People have affairs I know it. But his lack of remorse and guilt shocks me so much, I can't fathom that at all. I try to not think about it, which is why the table being right in my face isn't helpful!!!
My car is my haven, when I am out on my own I feel stronger., and happier! Its covered in flying bumble bees and my website. It makes me feel like ME.!
Thank s for caring Finn.
xxx
sunny you have a choice to change your thinking habits which are not serving.
but the question is what are you willing to do to feel better?????? how far how much are you willing to go to do???
when some people get into recovery they are "willing to go to any lengths" to get help and get well.
you do not seem so willing.
where are you with that piece of the puzzle???? there is tremendous help out there if you are truly willing........
i can help you do the thought work....
go to byron katie's website called www.thework.com and watch some videos and read some stuff.....
there is no judgment and i hope you do not judge yourself for your willingness or lack of willingness. it just is what it is. today.tomorrow your willingness might be different.
its ridiculous of him to tell an artist he can run arts and crafts program better than you. your heart sank and i got angry. where is your anger sunny?? that is propostruous!! simple as that.
don't let him treat you like a child who needs help. that is a parent child role. and who the hell wants to sleep with daddy?
can you come up with a mantra??? how about a nickname we can call him???? something you can laugh about... something that makes you smile not something you are ashamed of.
please comment on your willingness
and consider a mantra and sharing it.....
you can make choices depending on your level of willingness so in my opinion it's important to determine where that is and then be okay with it. accept it fully. it's okay. life is a process......i work on not judging my willingness every day......i have none sometimes and that's okay. there are good reason i have none. i just have to be aware of where it is so i not expect myself to make changes and do things i am truly unwilling to do b/c if i do then i usually just batter the hell out of myself for not being willing.
acceptance is the answer...
what are you willing to do today to feel better sunny??
Im not willing because Im scared.
I haven't yet worked out what I am scared of exactly!
I don't want to leave my husband because Im not not so sure he is the problem as I feel there is so much more wrong with me and how I respond to him and how I choose to spend my time ( him first, family first) until I can feel for sure then Im reluctant to chuck in another marriage.
somedays I will do anything and am on the floor other days I think maybe I over-think things…..!
i am an addict through and through and i usually push myself lower than i think i can go. i seem to have to hit a bottom every time and crash an burn before i become willing to change what i'm doing....
you know how i always share that i am unwilling to do anything about my weight and my body??? i'mstill there. BUT i TRUST that when the time is right (according to god or the great mystery or the universe) i will become willing to do the next right thing. willingness comes and goes and yet it is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. when you ARE willing sunny, that is when we take action......
when we are unwilling we may be resting. we may be strengthening, we may be contemplating. we may be ambivalent. just accept wherever you are and trust in life and in yourself.
nothing will happen without it.
i was saying you are allowing that to happen. if you want something different you have to be willing to change what you are doing...
are you willing to consider willingness?? are you willing to consider the coping patterns you have learned and are relying on do not define who you are as a person?? are you willing to consider there is an easier softer way? are you willing to consider you may be creating your own suffering?? are you willing to consider how hard you are on yourself and how unhelpful that is?? are you willing to move? to take a step?? a baby step?? what are you willing to do?? are you willing to be uncomfortable?? are you willing to challenge yourself?? why or why not??? what is the worst that could happen i fyou challenged yourself??
I just know I don't want to stay like this.
are you willing to just consider things?? are you willing to take a baby step?? are you willing to move into action are you willing to contemplate?? are you willing to go to any lengths to save your life????
what are you willing to do sunny??? that's the perfect starting place.....this is a question i ask myself every single morning of my life:
are you in or are you out????
then i proceed accordingly with the day.
on days i'm in i determine how willing i am?? if i'm willing to take action i make a plan and do one thing.which usually turns into more than one thing...
i have more in days than out days compared to when i started.
if you can take this idea and ask yourself every day are you willing to be kind to yourself today??? that is a start sunny!!! are y
I thought you were asking if I was willing to leave my H?!!!
no, not yet.
Im not sure if I understood the initial question!!
I don't know what is required, what is there to do - what are the options?
This is all new to me.