Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I have been trying to work on this,
not sure how to really so if any one can offer me any pointers…please jump in!
My latest seizure feeling is a stupid table.
I know its irrational but it was given to him by an ex and he has displayed strong feelings about keeping it, he only recently confessed where his emotional attachment comes from.
I think this confuses me….because this is the woman who worked for him as his manager, was his wife's best friend and who he had an 8 year affair with while married to his wife. ( the best friend) they used to go out in a foursome and the whole thought of all that bare faced deceit just makes me so sick. I have a very violent reaction to what they did. Then I found out he had left her money in his last will. When I ask him about this relationship he says there was no emotional attachment it was just physical. Now this just doesn't add up for me and is where the confusion comes in for me, it feels like he is lying to me or Im missing something?!!!
But my reaction to him wanting to keep this table ( its only a bloody table!!!) is really upsetting. It was on its way to the charity shop and now I find he has put it in his new office!!!
I feel sick.
I know I am being irrational.
and i hate that too.
Lots of things about myself upset me right now.
My husband tells me in one breath I am a horrible person, then he loves me, then when I tell him I feel really down on myself he says that reflects badly on him….
Im so confused.
not sure how to really so if any one can offer me any pointers…please jump in!
My latest seizure feeling is a stupid table.
I know its irrational but it was given to him by an ex and he has displayed strong feelings about keeping it, he only recently confessed where his emotional attachment comes from.
I think this confuses me….because this is the woman who worked for him as his manager, was his wife's best friend and who he had an 8 year affair with while married to his wife. ( the best friend) they used to go out in a foursome and the whole thought of all that bare faced deceit just makes me so sick. I have a very violent reaction to what they did. Then I found out he had left her money in his last will. When I ask him about this relationship he says there was no emotional attachment it was just physical. Now this just doesn't add up for me and is where the confusion comes in for me, it feels like he is lying to me or Im missing something?!!!
But my reaction to him wanting to keep this table ( its only a bloody table!!!) is really upsetting. It was on its way to the charity shop and now I find he has put it in his new office!!!
I feel sick.
I know I am being irrational.
and i hate that too.
Lots of things about myself upset me right now.
My husband tells me in one breath I am a horrible person, then he loves me, then when I tell him I feel really down on myself he says that reflects badly on him….
Im so confused.
I just feel I need to work on myself until I know this as well as you do too.
I look back on my past relationships and see the mistakes I have made and can now see why I made them and how the relationships failed. I want to get better and see these facts that you see for myself, then make the decision. - does that make sense.
And I don't have the emotional energy to leave just yet…!!!
what's broken about you is your picker sunny. YOU in your relationship probably cannot be healed like swelsha said b/c you are with a sick man and you continue to blame yourself. that is exactly what my initial question was about. are you willing to change the way you are thinking?? are you willing to be kind to yourself? are you willing to stop blaming yourself? are you willing to see that you are with a sick man, narcissistic or not? are you willing focus only on yourself and your own black hole that was created in your childhood and not expect hyour relationship to ever change?? are you wiling to stop taking on ALL of the responsibility for your painful relationship?? your mistake was in the man you chose. the mistake you continue to make is expecting him to change. expecting yourself to change while you are in a relationship with him. blaming and hating on yourself.
if you stay sunny you have to live with those consequences and stop expecting yourself to not get hurt and angry and jealous. these are normal human reactions under the circumstances. the thing is you are choosing that. you are in essence driving yourself crazy. painting yourself into a corner. putting yourself into a double bind. how can you get well with those disastrous expectations of yourself???
i think you do know already sunny. what is it going to take for you to leave??? what measurable goals can you work toward?? why are you so immovable about leaving?? what is operating here?? fear?? you do have some self worth, you are able to stand up for yourself. i think the fact that you can be hurt and angry at him and how he treats you is a strength sunny. it let syou know that you are in fact recognizing the dysfunction and sickness in your relationship. i think where you take it is the real problem. how you interpret it and the meaning you make out of it you then use against yourself. that is your task as i see it. detachment.
but really ask yourself some tough questions. and if you can share them with us. dig deep sunny and see if you can get really really honest with yourself. what is it going to take for you to take your life and power back and leave??????? what do you need in order for that to happen?????i think your refusal to leave can give you some really good information about a course of action to take in baby turtle steps of course.
with love....please re read swelsha's post often. it's so articulate. it's exactly what we've wanted you to hear this whole time.......it's heart breaking to see you take all of the dysfunction as yours all of the responsibility as yours. it is not. the only thing about his degrading treatment of you that is your fault is that you choose to stay and
STILLL there is no judgment of that, you just need to really figure out what is keeping you there????????? if your ultimate intention is to leave you can start making baby steps that will take time. but i never hear you say your intention is to leave him. which leads me to believe you are still trying to work it out.
leaving abusive relationships is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. literally. i felt like it was impossible. it was excruciating to extricate myself...5i thought i might die. my spirit would die. but like swelsha it wasn't until after i left i realized i would be okay and even better off. it wasn't until after i got out and got to safety that i could do the real healing on myself. as long as i was with him i was focused on all the wrong things and i was frozen in fear and couldn't heal anything b/c it literally wasn't safe to go there or let my guard down. i had to leave to save my spirit.
i just hope after all of our discussions you know the intention or at least my intention has always been to support you, accept you, not judge you, be here no matter what and to try to relate to you in a way that you would know you are not alone. also to tell you the truth. you are not different or unique. your issues are all of our issues....that's why there are forums for wwltm.
sunny you have been honest and open and you['ve kept coming!!!! you have so many strengths.....we have witnessed you make great strides and in fact changes and can clearly see that you are moving forward. you started here saying you didn't even know how you felt. you would NEVER speak up for yourself and now??? you have a car, you know how you feel, you are clear about what you will do and what you will not do. i see you growing exponentially. you are standing up to him, you do know how you feel now...can you see your own progress??
re reading this thread i go back and see that you started out by saying your emotional responses rule you. there are ways to deal with that so you can make a different choice. so then the question became what are you willing to do stop letting your emotions control you??????? overwhelm you????
the only way i got well, actually was by the thoughtful careful tender loving supportive advice of the women here who had gone before me. i didn't know what to do. i only know that i wanted to feel better... you take what works and you leave the rest. i trusted the women here to tell me the truth. many of those women i was here with are gone now. swelsha played a HUGE role in my recovery. i'm still grateful to her.
there really haven't been many women here, iz is right who have found their way and come back to share their story. i am only one of them. and i do feel better. i'm not longer in that same kind of pain. there is hope. do what you're comfortable doing and no matter what or when or if you decide to leave we are here for you. it's hard and heartbreaking to hear how he treats you and for me, how you treat yourself and take all of the blame but we're not going anywhere! we love you no matter what! no one is here to take your choice away from you however most of us probably won't stop telling you that the healing begins after you leave and get safe.
what I was trying to say was that I want to change me and how I respond to him. I want to be able to stop allowing and accepting the things he does that hurt me. Thats what I want to learn.
I take the blame for my pain as I have allowed it to happen, I have opened the door to this abuse so it is me who needs to close it also.
I have been married three times before and had two other significant relationships. When I left my second husband my dad said that the mistake was not leaving but in marrying him in the first place!!!
I resent that they gave me no guidance on my relationships, they stood by while I was in abusive relationships and never once told me that it shouldn't be that way. Even when I was 14. I wish they had educated me on what I should expect and accept and what I shouldn't. Im still unsure as to what is good and what isn't, which is why I first came on here, I was baffled by my Husbands behaviour and didn't understand - I have no guidance to work from except it feels bad inside my gut.
I shouldn't blame them but I do and that feels bad too!
I look back at my past and how I have accepted bad treatment all the way along, feeling lonely and shut off, martyred!!! Not knowing what was a good relationship.
So I feel like I am not ready to walk away from this one without trying to change how I react to him. I have reacted the same way to all my partners in the past and I can't see it or my life would be better if I left him, it would just go along in the same old pattern….unless I make changes to me and how I react. So I want to do that with him and see how it evolves. If it falls apart because of it then I will leave.
I don't mean to - I just mean it is up to me to change my life. I take responsibility because I am the one who accepted the treatment so it is my own fault!
I want to change my mind-set about what I accept. Boundaries I suppose we are talking about.
I feel if I change, I will see him differently….and our relationship will be different.
Yes it still hurts a little but each day gets better. My life and thoughts are no longer owned by putting up with crap and trying to rise above it. I don't feel crazy all the time. I can relate to other people in a healthy manner because I'm not in a constant state of dissociation.
I support anyone in having that best life that we are all trying to live. For myself, associating with someone that hurt me over and over just couldn't be a part of it. It took my seven years to get that.
it took me a looooooonnng time probably 6 agonizing months or more to go no contact. and the first part was god awful!! after a couple of months i started to feel free. i started to focus on myself and from there i was able to start this journey of healing my own black hole.
i believe recovery is a lifelong process if we keep working it. the recovery i'm talking about has nothing to do with my relationships. it has to do with moving from being a victim to surviving and from surviving to thriving. i know you're not too into the god thing sunny so this probably won't apply to you but i believed and trusted that everything was on track and in the right perfect timing for my life....
just keep breathing and trust sunny.
you have said repeatedly that everything becomes overwhelming for you....so you quickly have too many options of stuff to work on...
i experienced this as well. and during this time i was in DBT and learning about coping skills and mindfulness. the distress tolerance skills and the mindfulness saved my sanity. with mindfulness you don't have to DO anything. all you have to do is learn to be a nonjudgmental observer of the present moment. that is exactly how i got onto the path and belief that this is really about learning self-compassion. b/c if you can sit back and observe yourself without judgement there is nothing to blame or hate or battle or struggle with. just learn how to be. no pressure. not going anywhere. no decisions to make. just rest.........and observe and trust.
love you sunny......take a deep breath. you're doing great!!!
What Swelsha said sums up my recent experience 100%. And the only way I was able to see anything clearly was to step away. It's very, very hard (maybe even impossible) to get any perspective when you're right in the middle of it all and feeling emotional.
I think Im feeling too lazy to start over. AGAIN!
Not lazy maybe but tired….and then reluctant to divorce AGAIN! to accept the fact I have chosen badly AGAIN!!! Its a harsh reality I am facing again and again.
SO Im hoping that if I can evolve personally then the rest will change too….
I still have a lot of fear - fear to get out there and do what I need to do on my own. I am not sure whats out there. I need courage and to feel the fear and do it anyway!!!
I fear he will be unfaithful if I am not here when he wants me to be, I am afraid to be ME. and I am fully aware thats no way to live - what a waste!!!
I know it!
S L O W L Y Y Y Y Y y y y y y y!!!
x
there is no frustration with you....in fact i was super happy to see swelsha and izzy and other members!!! and hear what they have to say too. so just skip this whole line of thinking... you are making progress!!!!! you really are!!!!!!
i think what you have written and shared above can move mountains sunny!!! what do we do when we are ashamed??? we usually hide. you just shone the light on your dark places and fears.......that IS courageous!!!!! congratulations!!!!
they being oprah and dr phil etc say you cannot change what you do not acknowledge and also when we know better we will do better. it's our nature to do our best. when you know the truth you will be moved forward automatically. so like you did just now stating and standing in your truth will propel you forward!!!!!!
it's all okay. make it okay. this is what it is and it's okay. this is just for today. you don't have to DO anything but continue to stand in your truth. and not judge yourself for it. i'm so happy to her you say the words i am making progress!!!!!!