There are lots of good responses here already. My wife was ill for 3 years before she passed in September. I know about being alone and not wanting to be alone anymore. Even though my wife was ill for so long, and I was expecting the worst, her death still slammed me. Everyone is different when it comes to grieving so I can't say if you are ready for a relationship yet or not. Only you know that. Easy does it.

Lisa,

thanks for that... i will take it slow...

You have only been on your own for 2 months. I don't think you know who you are now - your life and your role (as caregiver, etc.) have completely changed. Even though your wife was sick a long time, she was still around. Your grieving may not take as long as some others, but I think you are still going to need time to sort it all out.

I sometimes feel like the poster child for new relationships (my new husband and I meet here in this group and were the first couple that arose out of it I think), so I am not against new relationships by any stretch of the imagination, but honestly, I think it is way too soon for you.

I also think you are too vulnerable at this stage, and I would caution you against two things: (1) being taken advantage of, and (2) unintentionally causing a lot of hurt because you're not actually able to give yourself to someone new. A red flag for #2 is if you compare this new friend to your wife - if you can't see her for her own person and be interested in her for herself, you're probably not ready.

You asked for my two cents, and I may have given you ten instead, but I hope it helps anyway.

You might also want to check out the member group here "Hopeful Hearts Loving Again After Loss" for additional feedback from others who have been in your shoes. You'll find it here:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/hopeful-hearts-love-after-loss


Love and Hugs, Martha

martha,

thank you. i am cognizant of the danger of comparing someone else with my wife... a part of me feels optimistic and this other interest, at least physically, does not resemble my wife or exhibit the same personality... i don't think that i will be comparing her.... we communicate daily and i feel "better" when we do....SIGH...again.

I would encourage people to not make any major decisions for the first year. We are not the same person at three months that we are at day 1, we are not not the same person at six months that we are at three, we are not the same person at 9 months that we are at 6, not at one year that we are at 9 months....and on and on.

At least by the end of the first year we have gone through all of the firsts and we have allowed ourselves to grieve for a period of time.

This is on average. Of course there are variations to everything. Some people find a new relationship after only a few months and seem to be fine. Therefore, everyone needs to do what they think is best for them.

The problem is when a person finds someone new and realizes a year later that they have chosen badly because they liked the distraction from the gut wrenching grief that they were feeling before finding someone new. Or someone realizes too late that they feel so much differently after they finish grieving and wish they hadn't committed themselves to someone so soon.

If pain is the foundation of the new relationship, what would the first floor look like?...and the second?...and the third?

I'm only writing this because you asked. You (in the end) need to do what feels right for you (but please decide over lots and lots of time).

hugs to all...
-Diana

i hear you diana....i do...

i feel the pain of loss, but i also feel the loss of love and companionship. i'm at a point in my life where i am convinced that I know what it is that i need and want and how to make a relationship work. i had a wonderful relationship slowly taken away from me in the course of 3-4 years and long bouts with depression and helplessness during that time, though gone, will remain a constant reminder of the heavy burden and the pain that I had witnessed as my wife battled... no, i don't think my next relationship will be about filling what cannot be filled...or "jumping" into a relationship w/o both eyes open and w/o bringing to the table the full depth and breadth of my needs from a long-term companion...

i know what a good thing looks like, lived it and want to find that with someone else... no compromises....SIGH

I have no advice to give, only well wishes that you find happiness and peace.
(Hugs) Debi