Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Two weeks ago, I lost my wonderful husband Dave. He was my best friend and soul mate. He had cancer but was doing ok. He died from a series of tiny strokes caused by a blood clot breaking up. He was so strong and so tough. He wanted to live and he wanted to fight. I tell myself maybe it was better this way because he likely had a lot of pain and suffering ahead of him, and I mean that, but I wasn't ready. Are you ever ready, though? It seems like I'm constantly crying and I even told people at work that this is my new face for the next year or so. Get used to it. I feel like I can't breathe and that I have a huge stone on my chest. I must have concrete shoes on my feet because just lifting my feet to walk is like a chore. The bad part is I know it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better and I don't how I can live. I love to cook and haven't touched a pot or pan since before he died. I walk around hungry a lot but don't have the ambition to fix anything. I'm living on singles meals and takeout. I haven't cut grass in 24 years. The lawnmower is a mystery, let alone a weedeater! We have birdfeeders so I thought I'd use the leaf blower to blow seeds off the patio. Of course I couldn't figure out how to get it started. I just feel so helpless and feel so embarrassed and angry for being so helpless. I had to go to the store today for the cats, so I went to a petsmart near me that I've never been to before because Dave did the shopping. I struggled with a 40lb bag of cat litter and wondered when I became such a wimp! I used to be strong, but Dave did all the heavy lifting. I stumbled on this site last night and I've read a lot of the posts on here. You seem like a really nice group of people. I want to say it's nice to communicate with others who understand what I'm going through but there is nothing at all nice about any of this for any of us. None of us want to be here. I have a very good family, but I don't have any siblings and I don't have any children. I just feel so very alone.
Tonight I'm going to my first function alone...a classical music concert. It doesn't feel good to be going alone but I'm forcing myself. We'll see if I can enjoy it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a good place to post. People are very supportive and we are all in different stages of the same thing. I wish none of us had to go through it.
I am still mostly in snack mode when I discover that I am hungry, having lived mostly on pkgs of peanut butter cookies for 4 months while my husband was in hospitals dying with maybe a drive through something when on my way home from the hosp at night if I felt like it. However, I am getting to the point now at 3 months of fixing a few very simple things, like sandwiches, and maybe eggs or a hot cereal breakfast now and again, and am starting to look into cooking several servings of simple things that I can freeze in individual servings for when I just can't bear cooking for one. Check out "sheet pan meals" on Pinterest or by search, there are plenty to choose from. My kids have been taking me to eat ocassionally and so was my brother-in-law but he is also battling cancer and just restarted his second round of chemo/rads. I also get a breakfast at church once a week, and am not above finding a dinner meant for homeless or poor at a couple other local churches if I can time it with working. I am pretty darn poor right now financially and at least I get some company. But tv dinners or canned goods are a definite mainstay at home for the time being, sad but true. Fortunately, I happen to like chili, and split pea soup, clam chowder, and dbl-stuffed ravioli, and french onion soup with just a little dolling up to make it worthwhile. Even Chunky over ready-made rice if necessary, though I got kinda burned out on that after the 5 pack of hurricanes here made it a near daily meal heated up on the barbeque grill!
I would just use a good broom and dustpan on your patio for the time being--if you are going to keep filling feeders regularly, but DO treat yourself to a good long-handled industrial type dustpan and a really good plastic bristle broom from HD or Lowes and you will soon wonder how you ever got along without them. I have used mine (and washed and disinfected it after use) for such things as spilled petfood and litter, broken bags of ice, broken lamps, sawdust, a dropped pot of mac and cheese, fallen potted plants, sweeping up grand kids boxes and boxes of small plastic toys, dropped jars of pizza sauce and swept up gallons of water at our old house when the roof partially came off after that 5-pack of hurricanes. Worked almost better than the shopvac! No household should be without them, imho, maybe even two sets.
Fortunately, I made sure our last purchased mower was easy enough for me to start and run, and that the blades were also easy enough for me to remove and run a rasp over to sharpen, and I have a electric mower my mom bought me in storage. It is even easier but is only really good for doing small areas or larger ones a section at a time. I liked the yard just so, but DH would just mow mostly often enough to keep the county off our backs. Not his favorite activity for a weekend or weeknight. So, I wanted to make very sure I could follow-up with the finesse, or even do it myself if need be. Little did I know. Weedeater is another story. They are not my favorite.
If you can afford it, you might think about having a lawn service come out. A widowed and handicapped gf of mine has one come just once a month. They like coming more often of course but you can only do what you can afford. Call around and see if there is a service that will do that for you for now.
Just keep coming back here. Folks here have been there for me, and will do what they can to advise and to help you to figure it you if they can.
If you told others to expect you to be sad for the next little while, then it is also fair to ask yourself to reduce expectations of yourself. Grieving is a consuming task. You are now doing two people's job, and some of the tasks you haven't been doing for a while. If you need help go ask for help or instructions. Be gentle to yourself.
One thing I have going for me is that my husband was a landscaper and his boss loved him. I read the post about the widow's card and I guess I used it for the first time right after Dave died . I asked his boss if he would take care of my lawn for the rest of the season and he told me not to even worry about it anymore. Dave would've been very appreciative of that.
Lisa, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement.
Rainseattle, you speak truth about taking enjoyable things and turning them into losses. Some of the things that we did together I simply can't do alone. There are just so many things to work out.
Thanks to everyone who has taking the time to reply to this post. I want to say that it means more to me than you can know, but I think you all really do know. Hugs to all, Anita.