Two weeks ago, I lost my wonderful husband Dave. He was my best friend and soul mate. He had cancer but was doing ok. He died from a series of tiny strokes caused by a blood clot breaking up. He was so strong and so tough. He wanted to live and he wanted to fight. I tell myself maybe it was better this way because he likely had a lot of pain and suffering ahead of him, and I mean that, but I wasn't ready. Are you ever ready, though? It seems like I'm constantly crying and I even told people at work that this is my new face for the next year or so. Get used to it. I feel like I can't breathe and that I have a huge stone on my chest. I must have concrete shoes on my feet because just lifting my feet to walk is like a chore. The bad part is I know it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better and I don't how I can live. I love to cook and haven't touched a pot or pan since before he died. I walk around hungry a lot but don't have the ambition to fix anything. I'm living on singles meals and takeout. I haven't cut grass in 24 years. The lawnmower is a mystery, let alone a weedeater! We have birdfeeders so I thought I'd use the leaf blower to blow seeds off the patio. Of course I couldn't figure out how to get it started. I just feel so helpless and feel so embarrassed and angry for being so helpless. I had to go to the store today for the cats, so I went to a petsmart near me that I've never been to before because Dave did the shopping. I struggled with a 40lb bag of cat litter and wondered when I became such a wimp! I used to be strong, but Dave did all the heavy lifting. I stumbled on this site last night and I've read a lot of the posts on here. You seem like a really nice group of people. I want to say it's nice to communicate with others who understand what I'm going through but there is nothing at all nice about any of this for any of us. None of us want to be here. I have a very good family, but I don't have any siblings and I don't have any children. I just feel so very alone.