Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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GeorgeTheGreek 12/16/2016

Hello dear friends, I hope you are coping well, unfortunately we met each other in a group we'd never wish to join.

I'd like to ask you how do you handle and cope during Christmas holidays? For me Christmas had always been a beautiful season with all the decorations lights etc, however it was always a little bit melancholic. This year though it's gonna be very tough since last Christmas I spent them together with my beloved partner, at his house which was beautifully decorated, we went out together, we even changed the year together. All these memories are coming back with a vengeance as you realize as it's just 4 months since I lost him. I did not decorate my house a lot, just a few candles and some small flower vase with small lights, where I put a Swarovski ginger bread man he had given me last Christmas as a gift. I suffer from anxiety disorder for many years but after my partner's death the anxiety has reached top level( thank God for xanax).

Any ideas on how to spend Christmas days? My mum will be with the grandma who is confined to bedfor thast 8 yrs, my sisters have their own families, maybe some friend will invite me to go out but the thought of having a good time is making me wanna puke. Apart from all this, my partner's name was Christos and his nameday is on Christmas (here in Greece namedays are celebrated like birthdays) so it's gonna be even more difficult. I am planning to go and visit his gravesite first thing in the morning on Christmas day, I know it's gonna be hard but I want to.

Sorry for ranting, but you even we are strangers can feel my pain much better than people I know and tell me 'life is for the living', 'he wouldn't like you to be sad' ,' you should get over it' and silly things like that ....

Hugs from Greece

laurie1209 12/16/2016

The holidays are going to suck and I have accepted it...I'm just waiting for them to be over. My family is going on like it's a normal Christmas when for me it's not. I attempt to shop for gifts and find myself reaching for things I should get my husband, that generally ends the shopping trip. I did put up holiday decorations but I passed on the tree. I hung lights on the house but today I don't want to turn them on, and I'm ok with that. Like you I have a lot of memories tangled up with the holidays, I got engaged Christmas Eve. No one gets it, they want the old me, she is gone and the new model is still in development, so I'm existing.
A show I was watching kept using the phrase 'you don't ease pain you overcome it' for some reason that is resonating with me. I'm working with the pain. Numbing it does not help me, I've been trying that for several months now.
Christmas Day...that's a hard one. all I know is a bottle of red will be involved.
Wishing you peace, Laurie

lost-in-the-world 12/17/2016

This is my first Christmas without my love Jim. I come from a big family who always did a lot for the season, my mom loved it . But I am not enjoying any of it right now. I did get invited to my brothers, but I came up with a excuse not to go, I just cannot sit there and put a fake smile on, when I am broken inside. I think maybe just do what you can, only what feel ok for you. I hope you can get through it. And I hope I can too.

emptynow 12/19/2016

I have given myself permission to drink more than usual for the foreseeable future.
I know it is not good and all that, but it helps to numb things for a while.

shelda 12/19/2016

I do whatever it takes to feel better for even a second and somedays it lasts longer so thats a blessing for me and i will take whatever i can. I will be spending it with our children but am blessed to have Grandchildren as they seem to understand me better..Gratefullness.. just happened again..The little things Can slowly become a important thing..it takes time ..(((Hugs)))

TeeKay 12/20/2016

You're allowed to grieve however you need to. No one should tell you how to. Just know that you aren't alone and we are here to help. It's my first Christmas without my husband and it's been so hard. I'm keeping up with the decorations and sorts because I have two boys that need some normalcy in their lives after their father committed suicide.
Sending you love, hugs, and peace from California

Deb321 12/22/2016

Hi George,
I am so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. My best friend/ ex boyfriend passed in mid October. This past week has been awful. I will spend xmas with my daughter at her friends house. But xmas eve I will most likely spend alone, and that is okay. I know what you mean tho about people saying dumb things. A few have said the "he wouldn't want you to be sad thing". Last week at an xmas dinner with friends, a friend of mine who lost her husband 8 months ago said to me, well I was married for 40 years. ( I knew my friend for 11 years) implying that her pain was worse because they had been together so long. Silly I know but it was hurtful just the same. But that's why we come here. When I first posted I felt guilty about my pain because I did not live with Bill , but I loved him just the same and we spoke every day. The people hear taught me that it does not matter at all, when you lose someone you love it hurts just the same. Hang in there George, I hope the holidays pass quickly for you. Hugs to you, Deb

MrsP 12/22/2016

This is my first Christmas without Norm, he died just six short weeks ago. I am dreading the day itself but somehow will get through it. I am fortunate to have my daughter and family to 've with but grief and heartache will still follow me there.

I shall try and take time for myself on Christmas Day. I shall warn the family that I may disappear for some time and they need to let me be. I shall have a good cry BUT I will survive this day. My darling husband would not want anything else and at the end of the day love conquers all.

Throughout my grieving this is the one thing I keep coming back to, the only thing that I hold onto, love does conquer all.
We must all hold onto the love we had for our lost ones and that love will see us through. Much love, K xx

Pjroyal 12/24/2016

I suppose blue is a good word for me, and sad, and angry, my husband left me in October. He committed suicide , He was depressed. The holidays were never special for me but He loved Christmas. he was always trying to re-create the nostalgia of Christmases of this youth with Music and decorations and family. I never loved Christmas as much as he did now I miss the joy that It bought to him trying to recapture that spirit. I had dinner tonight with his brother and sister But I really didn't want to be there. As I really don't want to be with my side of the family tomorrow either. But I will put up a good front, wear a smile as much as I can, and muddle through it until that time that I can get back home to be alone and be able to greive. I actually do not want to be with other people right now. Putting up a brave facade, acting as if I'm doing OK, it's all phony and I actually don't like myself for it. Though I do not want to be with other people right now, I don't know what to do with myself either. I have my work keeping me busy enough, but I don't have a whole a lot of interest in it right now. I'm floundering wondering what I'm going to do next, where I'm going to go, what my next step will be, should be. I hope it gets better from here.

outoflevel 12/26/2016

It has been hard not to break down and cry in front of the family during these Holidays, and of course impossible not to.. the tell-tale signs of dried salt that clings to the tear ducts are impossible to hide.. even if one turns their head as the grief washes over them in the souls agony.. its ok.. the Soul needs to do this.

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