You know when my mother in law died - and I loved her dearly, she was an amazing lady - I kept on thinking that she must be cold in the ground. I think it's part of the reason I wanted Mark close to us. I feel like he's still close to us. Maybe it changes with time. What is right today, is right to follow.
Love and peace to you all.

Ask yourself this question " If the roles were reversed, would I want my love one coming to the cemetery , re-opening the wounds of losing me , or out of a sense of duty? "

When i was also struggling with this , I asked myself this question and my heart answered that I would not want my love one to have to put himself through that. I also would not have wanted him to feel obligated to visit an empty body when my spirit would stay with him.

Knowing what I would want and knowing his love for me , I know that it is not a sign of disrespect if I don't visit the cemetery. I do visit at times and usually on the spur of the moment but I do not feel any closer to him there than I do anywhere else.

My children are old enough to drive and maybe they visit and maybe they do not, it's a choice they need to make but I do know from experience it is in the sharing of memories and stories that we feel the most connected to him and that is a way to respect his memory.

kclar, you are not being disrespectful. Just follow your heart. My John did not want to be buried 6 feet under, in a box, so I had him cremated and set his ashes free way up in the mountains, in nature's trees, and his ashes were flowed naturally with the water stream when it rained, his body is free of pain now, his spirit is free up in the mountain at Mt. Lemmon in Arizona where I think of him often up there in the beautiful desert forest. I will go there too.

I would like to thank everyone for their responses. All of your messages have spoken straight to my heart.

My mother-in-law and I were practically joined at the hip for 20 years. I remember that she was the designated decorator for all of the family gravesites (her mother, my husband's father, and her sister). She put flowers out for all of them throughout the year. She would always say, "I guess when I'm gone, there will be nobody to do this." Maybe that is where my feelings of guilt began.

I know that if the tables were turned and Michael was left to mourn for me, I know that he would not have been able to emotionally handle frequent cemetery visits. I wouldn't want him to put himself through that, either. I know that he would understand why I just can't seem to bring myself to visit him more often.

I'm thinking that eventually, when I come to terms with the fact that he's never coming back, the visits may become slightly easier to bear.

But, I know whether I go or not, he is always with me and I speak to him often.

Again, a big thank you to everyone. As always, you are all in my prayers.

Kathy

First I am sorry to hear you struggling over this issue. It's a tough time.
My husband was cremated. He is in a beautiful silver and blue Urn that is so heavy I think it is part silver and pewter. It has birds engraved on it, one flying behind the other. I say, I am behind you Honey.
He is in my bedroom and up high on a chest drawer furniture. I have a folded American Flag beside him since he was career Army and retired after 20 years. I have a picture of the day we were married, a candle holder for tea candles, and I usually have flowers there for him too.
I know I wouldn't be giving him flowers as often if he were in a cemetery so I am glad he is with me. I am not ready to place him in a Columbarium. When I do, I will be placed with him when its my time. I had a medallion engraved and it is on a silk ribbon hanging on his Urn with his name and the year of birth and death. It's beautiful. I wanted him to have something like this since I couldn't afford a full fledged funeral.
But getting to the cemetery is one thing, not knowing if you want to go is another. You will know when it's time. When you want to go there and place flowers for him. I used to take my mom when dad died. She'd always say after we placed flowers and balloons, "now his grave doesn't look so lonely". But that was her feeling. Everyone is different no doubt about it.
Once you do go, you'll know how it affects you and that can help you decide whether you will go often or occasionally .

I hope you can get the answer you need from within.

I have struggled with putting my husband's urn in the ground. I feel comfort having him close. Reading your posts let me know this was okay, as I have been pressuring myself that it is time to bury him. I also can't see myself going to the cemetery much or keeping up a grave...though have the plot and the headstone is being made. I recently joined DSWW, and am glad I did. I don't feel so alone, thank you.