See my husband wanted to be cremated because he didnt want me to go and be sad, or try to go in the weather inclements. I think your not going is NOT disrespectful. Your husband knows how much you love him, and going and visiting his passed away body, buried under the ground, isn't what he would want if it doesn't bring you peace or comfort. He knows you love him if you don't want to go, don't go. I think that he and everyone knows it's hard to go, I use to go see my grandma as a younger adult at the cemetary, and I stopped going, because it brought too much sadness. Having my husbands ashes in an urn, doesnt upset or make me sad.....You need to give yourself more time to grieve, and heal. Go only when you find that it helps you, but if your going because thats what others expect, that is never healthy. Just my 2 cents worth. Much love and hugs carla

I think we are too hard on ourselves when we lose our loves. We seems to carry to much guilt and question everything we do, as to if it's right or wrong. There is none when it comes to grieving. Ask yourself if your husband would want you going there everyday? I'm at almost a year (14th this month) I still remember what I was like at three months, but I can tell you it does get easier, I will always Love and Miss him but I know he wouldn't want me to fill guilty over this. Just talk to him everyday he'll hear you. Everyone heals at their own pace, there is no expiration date on grieving. Take care of yourself and your children's needs right now You know your husband is in Good Loving Hands.
Prayers and hugs..................Gail

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It is hard to know what is right to do, and everybody is different. All I can say is follow your instincts. Each member of your family may also be different about this issue too, so some may want to go to visit the cemetery and some may not. Even more complicated is the timing -- some may want to visit alone instead of with others. It's so completely personal and it changes over time. In my opinion, if you're remembering your loved one, or speaking about your loved one, you're "visiting" them that way, each and every day.

My kids and I never felt close to Cliff at the cemetery. They hated going there. Mind you, we lived 2 blocks from where he was buried, so we passed it all the time. For us, Cliff's legacy was not that his body was there - and it was not important for us to honor him by going and crying over his grave. We talk about Cliff all the time, even now, several years later. He is most definitely loved, remembered, honored, respected, and missed. I think he would be proud of us for not letting his death stop us from living - he was never a fatalistic kind of guy - he was always full of life. Letting his death destroy me and/or our kids would not have been what he wanted, and those painful trips to the cemetery did nothing to help us. For us, the grave was a reminder of our loss, not of his next step on the eternal journey.

Every family handles this differently. This is just how mine did it.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I agree with all the others, go when you want or need too. My husband too wanted to be cremated. I have his urn in my china cabinet and even after almost 9 months I will go there, put my hand on the box and talk to him. Its not a sad time. Your husband wouldn't have wanted you to feel obligated or sad to go to his final resting place. Hugs Arlene

There is no disrespect in not going. my husband passed 9 weeks ago and i have yet to go back to the cemetery. some family/friends are shocked and follow it with the comment well i go all the time. my answer... He, the essence of him, is not there. He is with me in spirit (i know his spirit is there because of all the small explainable signs he leaves me) I feel most comfortable just talking to him (or getting mad and yelling at him because i now have to do another task around the house or out in the fields) The cemetery is a marker for those who can find his spirit in the every day and need a place to say their piece...not everyone needs to go there.
I do drive by the cemetery and wave but i have no pressing desire or need to visit. May be ill do it when the stone arrives.

Just remember everyone is an individual, no two grieve or cope in the same way. there is no guilt for for form of grief.

I should have added my husband was cremated and sits in an urn on our dresser in our master bedroom. I say I Love you every morning and talk to him, even though I know he isn't there in the physical sense. When I go upstairs at night I tell him how my day went and what's new with the kids. I would do this even he was buried in the ground. I talk to him a good share of the day in my mind and watch for signs that he is still around, which I have had many as have my daughters. I think the hardest part of this journey through grieve is accepting that their gone and we can't fix it. Just know there are many wonderful caring and sharing people on this sight.
Don't worry about what other people think, just worry about you and your children.
Prayers and hugs...........Gail

It has been over a year, and I have not gone to the cemetery yet.
I think that wanting to go, or not wanting to, is a completely personal thing.
Yet, you *have taken the children. and doing that is an unselfish act.
Be as kind to yourself, as you are to others.
Hugs.

I believe that my husband is in heaven and that the cemetery is only a resting place for his body. I don't think my going to the grave site affects him in any way. I went more often in the early days of widowhood, but now, at almost 8 yrs., not nearly as often. Wishing you peaceful days,
Doye

I buried my husband's ashes in a plot at the cemetery. It has been over three years and I have never gone there. My family had never adopted the custom of visiting graves except for one aunt. I went with her one time, and the way she was broken up by it, I saw why. My mom had her first child and parents buried there my dad his father, mother and brother.. We just never went. My family told stories about everyone who passed on. That's how we memorialized them.

Not disrespectful at all. Like you said, he isn't there just an empty vessel. The main thing is that he lives in your heart and your memories. And you know where his spirit is.
Just do what you need to do for you.
Take care,
Peace, Tim

Hi Kclarkco96.

I had a similar issue with "disrespect" towards Mark. He always said he wanted to be cremated for practical reasons:
1. It costs a lot to be buried and nobody has the time to visit grave sites anymore.
2. It has become common for robbers to target vulnerable visitors.
3. He always said he wanted to make very sure God didn't get the order wrong and leave him with this broken body, he wanted a new one... :)

So for me this issue that you are dealing with came immediately upon his death. I held him in my arms until he gave his last breath. But after that I couldn't bring myself to touch his body. I kissed his forehead and his hand when I said my goodbyes and told him he can rest properly now and he is safe, nobody can hurt him anymore. While I didn't want his body, the shell, to be there anymore, when the mortuary guys came to collect him I didn't want them to take him either because I didn't know them from Adam. I had to protect him. How could I let strangers take the most precious being in my life, how could I let them take him away?

I spoke to a close friend and explained all that had happened. She immediately picked up that I had wanted the vessel to be gone as quickly as possible because that was not him!

But she also said: "You could never disrespect him, if you tried. I have listened to you talk about him over the years that he was ill. All the heartache and struggles that you went through, it is impossible for you to disrespect him because you love him just too much and he meant far too much to you.
Do not try to carry that guilt with you, because it is so misplaced."

I am so truly thankful for her telling me that, because the very nature of grief is we get caught up in one part, one moment, one issue and we pull it completely out of proportion to the rest of our story together with our loved ones, those that have died and those that remain behind with us.

So, as I can see it for you, No, you are not disrespectful. I know my kids would not have wanted to go to a grave site either, so in his love for us, Mark knew what we needed. His ashes are in an urn, wrapped in his favourite scarf, because he was always cold. And like others have posted, I talk to him everyday, tell him what is going on, kiss him goodnight and good morning in my mind. Even though I believe he is sleeping in death and does not know anything.

Love to you all. May you find peace today in small moments.

Take care.

Yolanda

I have to agree with what has been said. For me he was much more than the body that held him and that essence remains with me always. However, this is a personal decision. My brother in law felt he needed a place to feel close to his brother so to respect his need we scattered some of his ashes. There is no right or wrong in handling the loss. It is doing what is right for you and leaving the guilt behind. Sharon

These things are so very personal and I think we should resist labelling our actions as much as possible. I thought I would be very much like the majority here, and not have any sort of attachment to his body or the place where it rests. What I has been my truth is quite the opposite. I took tremendous comfort in the whole funeral and burial ritual (although I did not have the casket lowered while we were there), and still have days where I feel completely compelled to go to the cemetery. I was telling a friend that one day and he said that he didn't understand that. I said I didn't understand it either, nor did I need to to know it is what brings me comfort.

If not going is what you need to do, then that's all it is - what you need to (not) do. No label required.

I have my husband's ashes at home below the TV. He loved to watch sports. I asked my daughters if I should put Dad in the cemetery, one said no, the other didn't care what I do, but they said they would not go to the cemetery because it is too sad to see so many graves. As for me after 4 year maybe I should lay him to rest but afraid he will be lonely there, silly thoughts that I have. I am not sure if I could go to the cemetery either. I think our love ones would understand whichever way we choose to honor their love.