Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm lonely and it's been over a year. I have looked on dating sites, but have not paid or responded..just more curious at this stage. But I look and see one little thing in their profile that doesn't fit how my husband was or maybe one little thing I don't care for..so I never proceed. I really think I just can't imagine anyone living up to my husband even though he was certainly not perfect. None of us are. And then there's the romance part. I truly just want companionship at this point..no romance and what that entails. Do men, even in my age group (67-75) really ever look for just companionship? Not a lot of us here are in my age group, so I don't know if you can offer any insights. I'm not saying I'd never want more, but not for a long while. Right now I would just want male companionship, friendship. Is that even possible?
So John, can you explain what you mean about being careful of a man who is only interested in friendship?
I think one thing we have here is the fact that some of us have gone on the dating sites and these are the things we read that most men are looking for: sexy, sensual, affectionate in public, easy on the eyes, fit, time between the sheets, live in, etc. etc. So, when 3 out of 4 men express those as their primary desires in a date, one jumps to the conclusion that most men are after much more than friendship. And then for me personally to discover that the first two men I don't know who are randomly friendly to me turn out to be perverts makes me personally a little jaded. Not to mention a lifetime of men who have acted in very inappropriately when they or I or both were married. I don't think all men are that way but I have to admit, they are not uncommon! And, yes, my husband had a few women who were inappropriate with him but the frequency was less, and they were usually divorced.
I think you are reading much more into my comment than was intended, and maybe interpreting it differently than what I meant. Or maybe I just didn't say what I meant... sometimes words fail us. Let me try to clarify what I meant.
Very simply, I think that it is entirely possible to have a "platonic" relationship... a simple "friendship", if you will. I know it's possible, because I have that kind of a relationship with a neighbor on my floor. She was a friend of my wife's and mine for over 10 years. She was a great help to me during the final months when I was taking care of my wife, and she was with me and my children when my wife passed away.
We are friends, we help each other, we do things together, and we are there for each other if need be. We have never discussed it, but somehow we both know that our relationship is never going to be go beyond that... nor does it need to. We like each other, respect each other, and we enjoy each others company. She knows that I respect her, and that am not the type of person who would try to take advantage of her. She has never felt the need for me to have to "affirm" to her that we are "just friends". By the same token, I have never felt the need to tell her that I am not looking for and thing more than friendship from her.
So, I guess what I was trying to say, was that words are just words, and there are people (men & women) who will tell you anything they think you want to hear, in order to get what they want from you. And if someone seems to go OUT OF THEIR WAY to convince you that they only want what you want, you might take that with a grain of salt. Unfortunately in this world, words are cheap, and you will find out soon enough what peoples intentions are through their actions.
At the end of the day, I guess what I am saying is listen to what people say (and maybe they do mean what they say), but judge them by what they do.
The sites are filled with people that are loose on morals and are just wanting to hook up. I made a huge mistake and I visited these sites. I went on many dates just to have a lot of disappointment. Most of the women I dated just wanted sex. I wastill looking for more than that, more than I think they could comprehend. 1 broke my heart.
After that I continued to date but I closed something up inside and I wouldn't let anyone in.
I think that the bad experiences I had dating online has set me back even further when it comes to dating again.
What I've learned is to take things slow.
Learn a bit about the person.
Discover likes and dislikes
Decide if you think that you are compatible.
You have to be stern with yourself when you come to your decision.
You usually know if there is a connection.
Don't lie to yourself if you don't feel it.
Don't ask if they think there is something there If you already know that there isn't.
Give people space and allow them in your life if you want them there.
Don't chase or you might scare them away.
Maybe you don't think you need this advice but I think it would have saved a lot of heart ache if I just knew a little bit of this before I started dating.
I think you should always make yourself happy first and let people in your life that will make you happy.
If you're happy you will draw people to you.
A lot of rambling I know. Pay no mind if you don't understand why I said what I said.
Good luck to everyone that is looking for love.
Just remember that love will find you.
You are right on-point.
It's rather ironic that there are so many women (some with good reason, I'll admit) who think that the only thing that ANY man is looking for is sex... when in fact, there are some who are looking for much more.
Sounds like you are recovering from your bad experiences. We live and learn.
John
I just don't get it, unless.............. these are all the under 50 group.
I want a friend, if more develops that's great but it would have to develop into something first.
I wish they had just "friendship" sites to meet people.
nowjustme, unfortunately, no, the men I have been seeing on these dating sites are upper 50's and 60's making these comments.
I agree about the friendship sites and unfortunately I have looked on the platonic relationship only site on craig's list and there are some pretty nasty things on there. Sigh. I'm thinking I may just wait until someone comes knocking on my door with a note from God. It might save me a lot of angst!
I think a lot of us are not used to doing things socially on our own - we always did things with our spouses/partners. Or did nothing outside of just being with our spouses/partners.
I have not been successful at everything that I have tried in making friends. But I am still trying. The more I get out, the more people I meet, the more I learn, the more I understand. I think we hem ourselves in if we think the first thing we do has to be a fabulous success and solves all of our problems. We might like it to be that way, but that's pretty unrealistic.
I think getting out and doing things will make it easier to meet people - friends and potentially more than friends. And in the meantime, one grows as a person, and that means you have more to offer in any relationship - whether platonic, romantic, or even professional. The more you try, the more you learn, the more capable and confident you will feel. Volunteer somewhere, take a class, join a church group, go to the senior center, join a book club, and tell the people you are close to that you would like to meet someone nice - meeting a 'friend of a friend' usually helps.
@Martin, yes, I appreciated the fact this thread is the longest we've had in a long time, too! LOL!
Sign me Platonically Yours....
I have held off in making any comments on this thread because I didn't want to encroach on a predominantly female discussion......but.
I'm a 61 year old fat guy and know my limitations as Dirty Harry once said... I'm with the majority here though. It would be nice to have someone to talk to, to go out to eat with, to go see a movie with without all the drama of an intimate relationship. I know it would never be the same, and maybe I wouldn't want it to be. I would never say never though. I know that for the most of us our significant others were probably the only ones we were ever with, that being the case for me. I think that makes it even harder, it does for me. But I'm a loving person and I think most men are, as are most women. I looked at a couple sites and quickly deleted them, because I think they are skewed toward the one night stands and I would never want that.
Ok i hope I didn't ramble too much, just wanted to let you know there is hope for all of us if that's what we want I think.
Take care,
Jeff
I would love a meal with conversation, movie, walk around town etc.
Jeff, I'm with you! Only guy I ever knew.. Don't think I can start in that world all over again.. Don't know if I even want to. But I'm very lonely.
PS I joined the sites on Thursday night, and deleted them all by Sunday night! Lol. Petrified when I read some of the " wanted" areas.
Maureen
On the sites I mostly see bikers and that doesn't do a thing for me. Then those bathroom shots with their shirt off make me cringe! The ones that do look fairly nice will not reply back to me. Then if they do within 3-4 times of writing its over they just stop.
I'm waiting for that man that come knocking on my door also. But that's not about to happen, its a long lonely life for me. The real ones I see in the stores usually are riding one of those carts or are in a wheel chair or walker. I think they all fell apart since I got older.
I guess if its meant to be it will be. I haven't had any luck with the sites so far.