Truhal, Great response. Love it and you know what, I believe it.

Geo.

So, having a compassionate, respectful, loving relationships that includes romance is a bad thing??

No, John, it is not a bad thing at all. But that is not where some people are at and it is not what they need. Some people are not looking for a spouse but just a friend and are wishing that there was someplace to find someone with a similar mindset.

You have to live with the possibility that your friend may become romantically involved with someone else and can't or won't want to spend time with you anymore. It happens.

Irs55,

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but if all you are looking for is friendship (without affection), why does it have to be a "male" friend?

I live in a high-rise condo, and there are a number of women in the building who get together to do things... no male participation required or wanted (unless it involves furniture to be moved, snow to be shoveled, or a leaky faucet). Over the past ten years, I have moved plenty of furniture, shoveled out a lot of cars, and fixed my share of faucets for for women in this building. That's fine, and I am glad to do it.
But, 19 months ago, I lost my beautiful, loving, affectionate wife of 50 years... and that is the "relationship" that I (and I think most of the men on this sight) are looking to find again.
We want to shovel your snow, and fix your faucets... but we want to do it out of mutual respect, affection, and dare I say with a little romance. We want to be more that a "handyman", and a "tag-along".

No disrespect intended. I am just trying to explain to you "why" I think you are going to have a problem finding what you are looking for. In my opinion, if you do happen to find a man who is content to have a relationship with absolutely no possibility of any affection... that's the guy you need to be careful of.

John, because men are very different from women! I grew up with 2 brothers in a very male household. I enjoy the sense of humor that men have, their view of things, etc. etc.

I truly don't understand why I would need to be wary of someone who was willing to be a friend and not expect physical payback. Why would I need to fear him, John? Not every male/female relationship should have to have a sexual element to it, should it?

A few married men have been helping me occasionally on my farm. Some of them have been very respectful to me and never said or done anything inappropriate. One of them has made some suggestive comments. You are saying that I need to fear the men who haven't done anything inappropriate but not the one making the comments? I find that very confusing.

John...I look back on my post and Im really saying that I DO miss having male companionship. I like men and usually enjoy their conversations as long as it's not about sports ( kidding). I just don't want that (let's face it, sex) to be foremost on their minds. I'm not saying that it wouldn't come in time but I would run the other way, if it was pushed too soon. I realize men think differently and are more about physical. I know a lady in her 60's who has a male friend and they get together a couple of times a week. They are affectionate and enjoy each other's company, but there is no sex. It may always be that way, he could leave or they may get more involved..I'm in an age bracket before sex became just part of the dating scene with whomever you were out with. I did meet a single man on a cruise who I was attracted to, but he knew I was a recent widow and I figured out later that he had a girlfriend. So I very much respected that he did not come on to me out of either respect for my widowhood, knowing that he may have been able to take advantage of my vulnerability at that point, but more so, that he was in a relationship and wanted to remain faithful even though no one would have known. Fear is the farthest feeling I associate towards him...only fond memories and respect

I have to agree with what most of the ladies are saying. I have checked out the sites as well as the loneliness is so incredibly hard. But it seems that majority of the men I have come across are out for one thing. Now we are different age groups but I have had men in your age group want to "hook up". I am not now nor have I ever been a one night stand person. I met my husband at 16 and we were together until I lost him at 40. And yes I am 43 but I prefer older men so our age groups are not so far apart.

Anyway, I pray that you are able to find what you are looking for. And anytime you just need someone to talk to please contact me, maybe we can swap numbers.

Many blessings!
Sherry

I think most older men are not just looking for sex - in later years there are performance issues for men, too. I think if you take the time to get to know someone as a friend before you go out with them on a date that you will know what it is they value in their time with you, and perhaps you will be more comfortable being clear about what you are and are not okay with.

One of the earliest posts here at DS which I still remember, years later, was by a widower who complained that he had plenty of people he could do things with, but he had no one to do nothing with. I have heard this many times since from the guys here - companionship is important to them. I don't think all men - at least the over 50's - are only looking for sex. I also don't think they are looking for a nursemaid to look after them in their decrepitude.

Yeah, there are creepy guys out there. And I could tell you stories of some of the women that came through this group that would curl your hair! Like the "good Christian lady" that was having cyber-sex with a younger widower trying to convince him to marry her and have babies who only saw her own value as a woman "in the eyes of the Lord" if she could have more babies. She was 45 - not the best and certainly not the safest time to be having babies, but was still trolling for a young stud. (Where do people get these crazy ideas???) Then there was the woman who regaled us with all of her romantic escapades assuring us all that the latest boyfriend she "just knew" was chosen for her by her late husband who was smiling down on her from heaven. For all 6 of the boyfriends in her first year as a widow. Yeah. Right. Okay. It reminds me of the saying, "If you can't serve as a role model, you may be serving as a warning." These ladies (and I use the term loosely) were definitely not role models.

Not all the creepy people out there are male

Mary, I think if you get to know someone in a social situation first that you will feel more comfortable spending time with them. That's why I suggested the meet-up groups. Another good way of meeting someone who is like-minded in a less unnerving environment would be to volunteer with an organization whose work you feel strongly about. In either of these situations, you can limit your contact to just group functions if that is all you are comfortable with at this stage. If you are comfortable with more, you could pace it as slowly as you need to. You may find that the group outings are all you actually need for right now. Just a thought....

I know some folks have had good luck with the dating sites, but I think they are just not the best way of meeting someone. This may be one of those instances in life when technology is not the best answer. I do think that the general assumption in society nowadays is that if you are on a dating site that you are open to sex with someone you meet through the sites. I don't think it was always so, but it seems to have turned into that. Maybe Sharon can give some better advice about which sites are not like that - she has more knowledge than I do on that.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I can only speak for myself but all Im looking for right now are freindships and definately not sex. It took me a year to dance with another woman and longer to kiss one. Dating and sex only add to the pressure. I realize a lot of those on dating sites mwy be looking for sex but dont lump all of us in that group.

Russ, I don't think everyone on a dating site is looking for sex, but I think dating sites now have a 'bad rep' for that. It might be helpful for some folks to know which are the better sites or how to set your profiles up so people don't think that is what you are there for.

I don't really think this board is the best place for that kind of discussion, however. I do think the Hopeful Hearts group, while not concentrating solely on dating again, has folks with better experience at this and better advice than anything I can give on that front. As I say, Sharon has greater knowledge on this than I do. I did the unspeakable and married a widower I met in this group, not a dating site or anywhere else! :O

Martha, if you discover where those men hang out, please let me know!

My first experiences with meeting men I didn't know were quite disappointing. This spring I was working on my fence by a road and a couple stopped to chat. They sounded so very nice--opening their homes to people for Sunday brunch, giving horse rides, etc. I thought that this was a couple I could enjoy being around. Found out he was a womanizer who had gone so far as to have one of his mistresses live in the house while he was married.

Next man stops me on the road while I am bike-riding with grandchildren. Turns out he is related to a neighbor I know slightly so I feel comfortable with him and chat for a minute. A woman is off in the distance, I presume his wife. Mentioned him to a friend, and find out that he is a child molester. These are people that I just met by chance in the neighborhood. The thought of contacting a man on a dating site just terrorizes me!!!

Russ, thanks so much for sharing--you give me hope!

In my opinion men can be just companions. I think it is also a difficult relationship to have. Partly because we may have different expectations or assumptions. We may not see the 'limits' of the companionship the same. Easy for someone to get hurt from very innocent actions.
Lastly what all guys want is not the same. Just as not all women want the same thing. There may be some generally true norms. We are individuals who may or may not fit the 'norm'. No easy one size fits all. Depends on who you are and who they are.

Mark

OMG!! This topic has certainly been an interesting one and obviously one of great interest. I don't think there's a person here who doesn't understand what Mary is saying and many of us has struggled with the same feelings.

The only person I had been with was my husband and I certainly at 68 wasn't searching for a sexual relationship. After a period of time, I did miss having someone who cared, and it wasn't a girlfriend. I had girlfriends. There's a bond between a man and a woman or partners in life than surpasses friendship. And if its not based on physical love, but can include it in time.

Having someone help me cross an icey path brought the knowledge home to what I was yearning for. It shocked me. It wasn't even the man who helped me, but the act itself. I had no romantic interest at that time, but to have a listening friend for dinner at a nice restaurant or go on a picnic with was desirable.

I adamantly believe you can be friends with the opposite sex. It's a total put down to say different. I have had friends of both sex that were mutually respectful. You have to define the relationship between the two of you. And that relationship can change if both partners want it to, but it's not a requirement.

The first man I spent time with after my husband died was a widower. We shared meals, social events and talked about how much we missed our spouse. It was a wonderful time in my life, but neither of us wanted it to move past that. I will always remember that special man and the times we shared. He is now living his life as he wants and I have found romance with Artie. The chemistry is totally different.

Meeting people is the clue. Some to be friends and some to walk away from. How you meet people can vary from online to the grocery store. I never was a casual sex person and still aren't. I need love and commitment. That's my requirement. Set yours, but don't fall for the generalities that everyone is in a defined box.

Most importantly always know who you are and how perfect you are alone before you consider settling for less. Art and I met online on a "dating" site. I wasn't going to surf the web for men. I didn't need a man to be happy. I was happy and wanted to share that with someone who also was a complete person. I found that in Artie. He's complete in himself, loves his children, is honest and open and giving and loyal and loving. He brings out the best in me. That is love, not sex. They are very different.

Okay, that's my sermon for today. Thanks for listening. Lol.

Martha, Sharon,
I think between the two of you that you pretty well have it nailed down. As can be seen from all the responses that we all have (at this particular time) our own comfort zone and apparently they all differ to some extent. To each his, her own I guess. So just keep looking for what you want, but just pay attention.

Geo.