Tru...I also have a strict religious background and I beileve in setting the example for my children. The term "dating" is confusing at best. most my age see it an being physically involved like it's no big deal and it should be expected. Guys my are are mostly divorced and their paycheck goes to child support. I doubt I know a single guy that could afford to buy me dinner. Then there are the old guys out there looking for the younger women. I think not. Given the selection out there, I am even more convinced that I am just fine the way I am.

Maggie

This is a great discussion, and enlightening at the same time. It is heartwarming to see the number of widows/ers that are set in their decisions and comfortable with it.

So often since losing my husband have I been made to feel that I cannot be complete and have a life without having another companion. Well, guess what? They are totally wrong.

Scary, scary thoughts....Don't want to go there...I am content on just living for myself and my kids. I know it is flattering...But you know as well as I that he wanted one thing only. I swear some men have steel you know whats and that is all I am going to say about it. I hope you had fun flirting with him. Hugs~Shelley

I'm with Shelley. I have for years thought about that 'one thing' that men want when they meet women. My husband was very open and honset with me about that. I am flattered that men still look at me, but I know why they are looking. Yes, dating would be scary, and I don't need it. Someone would have to 'sweep me off my feet', which I don't think can be done anymore.

My daughter and I had an interesting conversation last night. She is separated from her husband and dating some. She said how nice it is to have a man take her out and pay for drinks and dinner. I told her if (and that's a big IF) I would go out with someone, I would pay my own way entirely. Why? Because then we would be on an even keel and I would not feel that I owed him anything for the evening, i.e., sex. Not much of a chance it will happen anyway; I am just not interested and am too scared to let it happen. I am not so afraid of just dating as I am that I might have to go through losing someone again. I am not sure I could do it a second time.

My daughter and I had an interesting conversation last night. She is separated from her husband and dating some. She said how nice it is to have a man take her out and pay for drinks and dinner. I told her if (and that's a big IF) I would go out with someone, I would pay my own way entirely. Why? Because then we would be on an even keel and I would not feel that I owed him anything for the evening, i.e., sex. Not much of a chance it will happen anyway; I am just not interested and am too scared to let it happen. I am not so afraid of just dating as I am that I might have to go through losing someone again. I am not sure I could do it a second time.

My daughter and I had an interesting conversation last night. She is separated from her husband and dating some. She said how nice it is to have a man take her out and pay for drinks and dinner. I told her if (and that's a big IF) I would go out with someone, I would pay my own way entirely. Why? Because then we would be on an even keel and I would not feel that I owed him anything for the evening, i.e., sex. Not much of a chance it will happen anyway; I am just not interested and am too scared to let it happen. I am not so afraid of just dating as I am that I might have to go through losing someone again. I am not sure I could do it a second time.

I have to add something again to this conversation. Please do not be offended by my bluntness because I have a hard time saying anything other than the way that I think it.

So here goes:
First of all.....this is not meant for people who have recently lost the love of their life....people need lots and lots of time to heal and I don't think this discussion is for you...it would not have been for me for a very long time after I lost Denny.

So for the people who have been around here awhile and are thinking about this topic....

I am saddened by how many people think that if they date someone they have to have sex with someone even if they feel they do not want to. That is called rape. I am saddened by what I see when I hear of people feeling like if they eat a meal they have given up their right to be a thinking human being and then being expected to be a piece of meat.

I am not sure what planet of the apes so many people are from, but most men understand that it takes two to tango....no matter what their age. Many are kind, generous, caring individuals and I refuse to think that most of them are only out for sex and care nothing about developing a caring loving connected relationship and eventually future with someone. Yes, there are some, and that is frankly "their" problem. As soon as we spot them, we can stop seeing them.

Then there are some women that are also only looking for sex and the men that are looking for caring loving connected relationshops and eventually future with someone need to be ready to say...no this is not what "I" am looking for too.

We have the right to say yes and we have the right to say no and just because someone buys someone a meal or just because many people do have sex, does not give someone the right to do whatever they please with someone.

We all have the option of finding a person to spend time with and we all have the option of deciding "what" that time together will be. Please do not discount yourself by thinking that the other person has the liberty to "make all of the decisions."

I don't care if I thought everyone was jumping off a cliff, there is no way someone could convince me to jump. Please know that you decide for you from moment to moment and you have the right to do that, and not only that...you have the responsibillity to yourself.

So if you choose "not" to date...great! If you choose to date...great! Please though do not make those choices out of fear. "Whatever we look for we often find..."

I for one have met some loosers in my life, but I have also met many many kind caring human beings and I refuse to think that all men are bad. Look at all of the wonderful men we have here on DS! They did not drop from the sky no more than we did...

hugs to all...
-Diana

well said missmyhero

Diana, I agree with you totally. This conversation has bothered me for days, because I don't think we should think in absolutes, or generalizations about people - especially men. I for one have learned a great deal from the men on this site - they have the same insecurities as us. The beauty of life, is that each day is a new day filled with opportunity and change - we should be open to it , in my opinion. We have control over what kind of relationship we want, and free choice - nobody can ''force'' something that we don't want including sex. Loving someone again doesn't negate the love you had for your husband/wife in my opinion. God is love, and has plenty for us to enjoy. Love is natural, not calculated, and not based on a bar tab!!!! ha ha ha. Also, I have learned to never say never about almost anything, and to keep myself open to life. I hope all of us find happiness without the storm of conflict - we deserve better. Vicki

I have to tell this story, as lived by a friend of mine who is a widow.

She was married 25 years when her husband died in a diving accident. Totally unexpected and threw her into the dark hole big time. Eventually she chose to date and her choice would always be successful businessman who had money. Trish (not her real name) had rules. Never give her home number, nor her home address. Cell number only. WOuld meet the man at the destination in her own car.

Well, she meets this guy for dinner at a nice restaurant. After drinks are served, he proceeds to tell her what all he is planning to do with her in the bedroom after dinner.

Trish politely excuses herself to the bathroom, heads out the front door, into her car, and heads home, never to pick up her cell phone again to answer his calls.

Just thought I'd give everyone a little chuckle.

No chuckle here Deb, its men like that, that give women a box to put all men in.

Hugs,
Ron

I think if you are that worried about being sexually assaulted that you should take a self-defense class or get some pepper spray.

If you are being approached inappropriately by members of the opposite sex, then there are a couple of possibilities going on:

(1) you are hanging with either the wrong people or in the wrong places;

(2) you are either dressing or carrying yourself in such a way that people mistakenly think you are looking for sexual favors or are easily led;

(3) you have run up against that small portion of the population who are genuinely creepy or greedy.

It seems very strange to me the idea of going out for dinner and drinks with someone that I didn't already know well enough to know what they were after. I suppose if you really rushed into dating someone that was a stranger perhaps that could happen. I guess for me it was just a matter of interest and common sense - the offer of drinks and dinner wouldn't be enough to intrigue me into going out with someone - I could always buy my own dinner and drinks. There had to be more going on for me to want to spend time with them.

Both my husbands, both my sons, both my brothers, several male friends and colleagues- all gentlemen in my circle. I have also know several very predatory females in my time - including some cougars (remember I have sons) and some classic gold-digging females complete with bleached hair and boob jobs looking for the sugar daddy (I worked with a lot of successful male lawyers). I've seen trophy wives and trophy husbands. How sad and/or sick to be stuck inside a mind so overwrought.

Me, I married for love - twice - and have zero regrets.

With Martha's multiple choice possibilities, the third stands out as the most obvious reason. If it had happened to me, and someone assumed choice 1 or 2, I would be highly insulted.

But, enough about that. The story was told as a source of humor. Not with the intention of insulting anyone, whether it be male or female.

I think it's hard after having the protection of a spouse to suddenly find yourself on your own and having to shift behaviors. If someone finds you attractive and knows that you're now without your spouse in this world, they may be looking for signs from you that you're available. So it makes sense that if you don't want that kind of attention that you need to consider whether you are giving off the wrong signals.

It's just another safety precaution.