Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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chilipepper328 10/15/2013

I was just a split second away from being t-boned this morning. Where I live, I have to cross a busy two lane street to go left to head to work. Every morning is the same.I inch out waiting for the traffic that is crossing in front to get a red light and wait for cars to stop and make a gap for me to cross. My opening came and as I began across the street and was just about into the median where I would then merge into traffic I suddenly saw this huge SUV barreling down the median and just slammed on my brakes as he slammed on his and swerved into the opposite lanes.just barely missing me. One split second. One split second sooner and he would have plowed right into my door and that would be it. All these thoughts have been racing through my mind since. This is what I have been secretly wishing for. Because I cant hurt my family by harming myself, I have had this secret wish for an accident to take me out. So as awful as it sounds there is a part of me that is feeling like I just missed my chance. So here I am sitting here actually sort of upset and wondering why am I still here? A split second took Leonard from me and I just want the same now. I am actually upset that he/she did not hit me. I am realizing now that I am worse off than I know. It is one thing to have these sometime feelings of wishing something would happen to me but to then have it be so close to happening and not and being upset and let down that it did not is a different story. I think I need professional help.

BrokenGeo 10/15/2013

No Sheila I don't think you need pro help. Probably more people than you think feel the same way. But if you really do feel you need pro help, make an appointment for all of us. Just another normal day. Just shake your head and say to yourself, crap, missed it again.
Cheer up we'll make it sooner or later.
Best Regards, George

tlsom 10/15/2013

OMG!!! I am glad you are ok Sheila. I do know what you are saying though...as we want to be with our loves. I have talked with a counselor and you may want to do the same. They are more objective and can help sort things out. Pls do not hesitate to reach out if you ever want to talk. Take care!

chilipepper328 10/15/2013

I feel so conflicted George. Is this normal? I want to call my brother and tell him what I am feeling but I don't want to upset him. Maybe this is normal and my adrenaline is just going haywire making me feel this way.

asarivg12 10/15/2013

Yeah, talk to your brother. Life is precious, don't throw it away. If you have feelings like this then talk to your brother or whoever.

I have seen too many cancer patients, some younger than you, that have put up with so much just to try to regain their health.

It might not be very clear to you at this time, but if your parents are still alive your death would cause them pain for years. Believe me, I know.

deleted_user 10/15/2013

[[[HUGS]]]

I also use to think about death for myself ; turned out it was the "yearning" stage of grief ...
The yearning made me think I wanted to be w/Bob, but I had no desire to commit suidide - I wanted death to happen to me ...
Other times, the gutwrenching also brought thoughts of dying to escape the pain/grief ...
If you think you need help please do consult a mental health specialist: clinician, therapist, grief counselor, psychologist, etc ...
Truly, I"m glad you're okay ...

chilipepper328 10/15/2013

I want to talk to my brother but I don't want to upset him. I will not kill myself although in the early days I did feel suicidal and my brother knew this and that is why he came to stay with me. He told me that if I did kill myself that it would destroy him and the rest of my family and made me promise I would not hurt myself, and I won't. But I cannot lie and say that I don't still have feelings of wishing something would happen (not of my doing) that would relieve me of this. So I want to talk to him as he is my rock but I don't want to cause him any more worry. I know it is a terrible thing to feel.....I was talking to a friend yesterday about someone he cares about who is inflicted with cancer and is struggling to survive and my attitude is awful but I cannot help it. I just don't know what to think about this.

chilipepper328 10/15/2013

I think that is a big part of it Dot. The yearning. I don't know if there is anything after death but if there is then I want to be with Leonard again. The longing for him is overwhelming at times. And the thought of years and years of life without him makes me feel so depressed. I cannot see ever being able to love anyone like I love Leonard. It just feels so hopeless. And death can serve two purposes...first to let me be with Leonard again if possible and secondly to alleviate this pain.

Shrn 10/15/2013

I feel talking to a professional would be a help, not because you're suicidal, because I understand you're not. It would be a way to help you find a way to get through this tragedy you are struggling with. Sometimes an outsider who is trained to hear what isn't said can give us insight on how to find some place of peace.
I speak though experience. I talked with a counselor through hospice and have seen therapists in the past for periods of time just to understand the feeling and emotions I was going through. Sharon

deleted_user 10/15/2013

I'll never love anyone the way I loved Bob-O ...
At the same time, I'm a different person now in attitude w/the same core values ...
I know you can't see it now, but eventually you will ...
Thinking about the years & years of being w/out Leonard will be the time you grief - make the adjustment to being w/out him ...
Bob-O's death was the hardest experience I have ever endured ...
OMG, there were times I actually feared it would kill me, then I'd think it wouldn't be such a bad thing ...
People would for some reason remind me that I have kids - my void was so consuming it didn't matter b/c I knew my family would care for them ...
In my grief journey, torturous thoughts became easier to cope with every step ...
The emptiness I felt began to fill w/Bob's spirit; I now feel secure, happy & confident ...
My hope was that I would one day be restored to a healthy mind, body & spirit; I wish this for you as well ...
Leonard will always live in your heart as Bob does in mine ...

BrokenGeo 10/15/2013

Sheila, personally I think it's normal from the standpoint of at the moment that you almost got t boned it scared the hell out of you but afterwards you step back into reality and think that would have solved my problem wouldn't it. I think it's a normal reaction to your own personal situation. My original response was more in jest to try to get you calmed down. By all means if your that worried about it definitely talk to someone.
I'm sorry if I handled your post the wrong way.
Stay strong, George

deleted_user 10/15/2013

Sheila, I completely understand. I want to die, too. I was so afraid I might do it I locked my handgun in its case and gave it to my neighbor and made him promise not to give it back to me for at least a year. But I know I won't do anything like that. I thought before when Michelle finally passed I might take my life either by a weapon or by flying out over the ocean and then diving straight down into the water. But now knowing what losing a spouse is like, I would never intentionally put my mother, sister, or friends through anything near what I am going through. I've stopped wishing to die, I know that will happen when it is time and then I will be with Michelle again, for eternity. I am only 12 days since my wife passed, so I really have little advice to offer, but it sounds like sage words from the rest of the group. Hang tough, you are loved and you are valued, and you are needed by so many. Chris

tikibell1 10/15/2013

I walk to work and at one point have to cross a highway without a light. A few times I have been so deep in thought I do not remember crossing. I told my daughter that I would never harm myself but I wouldn't mind an accident taking me out she did not find it amusing. But with my luck I would just get hurt really bad and be stuck in one place with my own thoughts and that would not be good so I try and be alert now while crossing! Why do we think such things anyway? I think at one time or another we all have these thoughts it is good we have a place to share them where people understand.

Comfortablynumb 10/15/2013

Those who willfully destroy themselves to alleviate their pain, do not get rid of pain, they just pass the pain to those who are left behind.
IF you care about your brother and your family, your close friends, you stop wishing to die, and look for ways to heal and live as long as you have been given.

pseudowidow 10/15/2013

I wish I had a brother. Right now I am alive because I have a Dad and 4 cats. Thats why. So the yearning to die seems totally understandable and even logic. Asari is right to point out that if you have parents, even if you died of an accident, they would be devastaded. Hold on to what you can, in my case its my Dad and my cats, in your case it can be your brother, whoever or whatever. I am not sure that if I died I would be reunited with my love, unfortunately I am still so confused that I dont know anything, but the appeal of dying for me comes from ending the pain. The thing is that sometimes you cant end your pain without causing pain to others... Anyway, what you describe are my feelings exactly. I wish you strenght

gerald222 10/15/2013

I think what you are expereincing is totally normal as part of the grief process. The conflicting emotions are a direct result of the deep pain you are wrestling with as a result of your loss. I shared this story once before. A widow told me she went sky diving at 14 months for the the first time ever. She hoped the parachute wouldnt open because of the pain and sadness she had experienced for over a year. As she was hurling towards earth she saw how incredibly beautiful earth was and felt it gave her a glimpse of what her husband saw from heaven. From that day onward she decided she would allow her husband to enjoy the beauty of heaven and she would appreciate the beauty on earth till she was called to join him. This is one of my favourite stories that someone shared with me. Yes see a counsellor to work through the grief if you need to they definitely helped me. Wishing you peace. Gerald

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