Trichotillomania (Hair Pulling) Support Group
Impulsive control disorder is the inability to resist an urge, temptation, or impulse, even when it may cause negative effects to the self or to others. If you or a loved one suffers from impulsive contorl disorder, join the community to find support and share your challenges with others who know what you're going through.
Hello everyone. I hope you are well today.
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
My hair is about a half inch long now. There are only TWO significant bald spots on my scalp. They are both the same spots that were there when I started posting this page. There is the one where the grey hair grows in. And there is the one on the top right and back of my scalp just where my head begins to go vertical.
So here I am again I am challenged with the question "Do I cut all of my hair off again?" According to my zero tolerance policy (the one that I have very loosely adhered to thus far *sigh*) I should cut my hair with the trimmer and no guard. I am going to take a risk here and offer a compromise. Why? Here is my logic... and pulling hair is a rather irrational act anyway so I thought "what the hell." My hair is growing longer. Another month or so and the spots will be mostly covered up if I can manage to not pull in a single location. It is getting cold at my home so the summer baseball caps will soon be replaced with winter beanies. Effectively I would be in the exact same place: Always having to wear a hat and the bald spots would be there no matter what. Just.... more visible which means more risk of someone seeing if I don't cut it. I think that can be solved by powder that fills in bald spots anyway. I have some... I bought the sample size cabooki or whatever its called for 3 or 4 dollars and it works pretty well. So maybe Ill find cheaper stuff and invest in it while I am waiting for the follicles to regenerate. My estimates say that they should start showing up in 3 months because I pulled the hairs a month ago - and the ones that were not damaged have already grown out and are now very long.
Long story short - I don't want to cut my hair. It's getting long and I want to have a full head for once. I met some people at a bar the other day and they said to me I should let my hair grow. I'd look great! If they only knew. I started seeing someone and she asked why I always wear a hat. I told her to keep the sun off my head and that my family has a risk of skin cancer. Her response: "Please let your hair grow out! Please?" That should be motivation enough to stop.
So why do I still pull? I've never been happier. I have absolutely ZERO stress in my life with the exception of some thoughts about financials every so often. Even that doesn't get me to pull though.
Let's recap the times I pull. Maybe someone can weigh in.
-Almost every time I relapse it is while I am driving just in thought about something random.
-I can be in deep thought about something.
-When I am trying to engineer a solution to a problem.
-I will continue while I am in bed while reading a book or something.
To me it seems like it occurs while I sit idle. I already wear a hat from the moment my feet hit the floor to the moment I lock my bedroom door where no one can see me. Even my family has not seen me without a hat in years. And I live with them!
In summary the struggle continues. But progress in being made. The place where I pulled last time and cut my hair regrew pretty well thankfully. So it is thin but mostly covered. I will continue to post as things happen---- OR DON'T---- That would be amazing to report nothing. I have not lost hope or morals. Just need to keep chipping away at the habit. It seems to be working out so far! The vitamin e cream and biotin regiment continue. I have slowed biotine to once every other day or so though for no real reason. I just feel like I was taking too much.
Hope all is well with everyone else.
SET YOUR MIND TO SOMETHING AND IT WILL HAPPEN. YOU WILL HAVE TO WORK - AND YOU WILL MESS UP A FEW TIMES - BUT YOU WILL DO IT.
Now go out there and stop pulling!
I am beginning to understand the problem a little better though. I think the pulling now is habit now though as it is when I am thinking about something in depth or primarily in the car. I do it without thinking at all. Once I start pulling I usually do not stop for quite a while. This is where the main cause for concern is as I do not want to undo the progress I have worked on since I started this thread.
Now I just need to figure out how to resist the habit and continuing to pull once I start. That is what I will work on for the next few weeks. I'll see what comes of it. Try some things and get back in a few days.
I'm so freaking broken down. For the last 20 days I've pulled. I made a lot of progress and now more thin spots have shown. I'm not sure what the answer is right now. I'm going to carry that bar of metal with me all the time so I am conscious of what is going on. Then resist the urge. Maybe I'll find another token to carry but for now that's the plan. I even had an amazing day. Nothing negative. I think boredom just triggered this one. Maybe tiredness. I'll think about it tomorrow.
'Close your eyes and imagine the world you want.' at this link: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/trichotillomania-hair-pulling/discussion/close-your-eyes-and-imagine-the-world-you-want
I will no longer post on this thread or my other as I feel this is a journey each and every one of us must take on our own. I will be free from this in every aspect. Thanks for reading. I wish you all great strength during your fight with Trichotillomania.
-N.