Trichotillomania (Hair Pulling) Support Group
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Hello everyone. I hope you are well today.
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
Note to all: Stay positive. Stay focused. Note to self: Accept defeat and start the fuck over. Stop wishing and get enough will power to stop. There isn't enough time in the day to wish it would stop. Wishing won't do anything. YOU have to stop it YOURSELF. I had a good run there for awhile. :)
I'll cut my hair again tomorrow morning. Then the regularly scheduled postings will be more frequent. Sorry all. The story continues.
Also sorry for my language a couple posts back. If you don't like it, don't read it. I want to give you the updates exactly as I am feeling. And I feel I would not adequately be able describe my frustration or illustrate the feelings without strong language. Kids. Cover your ears. That is my disclaimer. Even though they are probably saying the same thing. I did when I was a kid and had to deal with this shit.
Like I have always said to myself on this page: "Stop feeling bad for yourself and just f-ing stop this. You can do it. It's time to stop."
So yeah. Sorry for not having many complete thoughts right now. I am tired but I wanted to be sure I was going to write here today. Overall things are going well. I am excited to see where I get this time. I think this is the one where I stop for good. Getting yourself to stop just takes some practice, I guess. The only hair pulled has been the gray ones. I can deal with that for a few minutes. As soon as I stop pulling those I think I am home free. They are such a small footprint I am going to exclude those from my one hair all hair cut policy. Thats a terrible cop-out I know but it is just a safeguard because seeing all my other hair is my motivation. Excuses. I know. I'm working on it. hahahahahah
Second. I have decided to let my hair (on my scalp) grow out unless I pull a single hair again. This is risky as I have been asked by this girl I am seeing why I always wear a hat. The relationship is new so I made up some BS about how my hair is short and I don't want the sun on it and cancer risk blah blah blah. You know the excuses. Hopefully by christmas it should be covered. Full head of hair and I won't have to wear a beanie.
Random thought: Today I was working (I work outside) and I began to think about how nice it would be to be able to take off my hat with all these people around. The psychology is interesting to me because I was thinking "Why the Fu*k do I pull? I have no desire right now. It seems like such a stupid thing. Why did I even pull in the first place?" Those thoughts have been crossing my mind. I have never had them before and in my mind this means I am moving forward toward beating this disorder. <- if you have read this entire thread you know I hate that word. It gives me chills. It sounds like such an negative word. So as of right now I guess I am 24 days pull free. Thats a cool thought. I wasn't even really counting. Time flies. I like to imagine what my hair would be like if I hadn't had that relapse 24 days ago. I would have a FULL head of hair.
Oh well. I'm thinking 3rd time is the charm. I am going to beat the hell out of the habit this time. I WILL WIN. Hope all is well with everyone else.
Thus far I do not have a solution. I believe the car is where I pull most - or at least where the pulling originates when I have a relapse. There I have time to think about the things that are causing me stress or just send me into a deep concentration and struggle to find solutions to problems.
The current plan is to keep my hair trimmed with a guard-less trimmer until December 1. Then I will let my hair grow. Until then I am applying vitamin e cream to my scalp and eating a biotine supplement to help regenerate the follicles. My main focus now is to not pull ANY HAIR from ANYWHERE. I let the places where I never got a bald spot to slide by when I didn't pull the hair on my scalp. So... maybe the problem is still rooted and being encouraged by pulling from somewhere else.
This time I WILL STOP - for the rest of my life - BY SEPTEMBER 1, 2016. I know this is a tall glass to order. But I was able to do it once for a long period and after that I never set a clear goal again. So here it is.
Again... Let the games begin.
Best of luck to all of us.