Trichotillomania (Hair Pulling) Support Group
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Hello everyone. I hope you are well today.
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
Today I pulled again. I will call this one a relapse because I wish not to lie to myself. This is important. I will maintain the count though because it is a very strong encouragement. Probably up to 10-15 hairs were pulled today. Maybe more. Not more than 20 for sure though. I am slipping. A few roots came along with these. And the hair is much easier to pull when it is long... Obviously. I am not scared that I am relapsing but I am worried that I will.
I am sitting here once again in my dark bedroom. Same single dim bulb shining at my back. Once again looking for answers. Almost 35 days later. I am beginning to feel that feeling that I was experiencing before I decided I would stop. That sinking feeling. I have gone 33 full days with only pulling a few hairs. This is a great accomplishment. Why now? Today was a reminder to keep my ego in check. I am now looking for a message to take from this. A lesson. A relapse is not an option. I have come this far. I will not stop now.
TIME FOR A REEVALUATION.
I AM DONE WITH THIS DISORDER. I WILL NOT GIVE IN. I WILL NOT PULL ANY HAIR EVER AGAIN.
The battle of killing the disorder in me begins again this very second. I will now begin to fight the subtle action of tugging on individual hairs and ultimately pulling them out. That action is where the slip began and that action is where it stops. Any time I feel the urge to put my hands to my head I will run my hair through all of my fingers and feel how long it is to remind myself what it is like to have a full head of hair feels like again. Tonight I will get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling refreshed.
From now on when I say day (xx) I will be sure to remember this day as a stepping stone. A reminder that you can do anything you want as long as you have a reason. I must remember to stay strong. The battle is against myself. Nothing is more difficult to conquer than that. This is something we must all remember.
I will add an observations section to these posts if any applies. Maybe someone who is doing research on the subject might appreciate that.
1.) Last night I did not sleep well. I was awake till 3 a.m. simply because I could not sleep. I woke up around 10 not feeling refreshed by any means. But life goes on. It's all part of the fight.
2.) The first hair was pulled in the same sequence of events that usually occurred before I began this journey.
a.) Hand to head.
b.) Find a hair.
c.) gently tug.
d.) *feels great* WHY the fuck?
e.) pulls hair root and all.
This occurred once then didn't happen for another 6-8 hours. Both instances I was watching t.v. Whatever. Its noted but it's not like I can stop watching T.V. This just boils down to the need to reduce the habit to put my hand to my head and pick out a hair. I am not sure why I did it though. There wasn't a particular thought on my mind or a feeling I was feeling. I think the result of todays pulling was pure habit... Unless there is a correlation to the amount of sleep and the quality of sleep. = Which ultimately leads me to believe this has to do with something in the endocrine system? Interesting thought. Pretty elementary thought though. Obviously I am no scientist. I can bullshit my way through anything though. hahahh Try not to take me too seriously. I digress.
The people that deal with this disorder are unworldly strong people. The ones who have overcome it are damn near invincible. I will be one of these people. The final thought to myself as I reflect on the day is as follows: Take a deep breath and tonight let us finally finish the fight once and for all.
I recommend you tell yourself it isn't the end of the world and pick up where you left off. Even today I do not have a desire to pull. I find that I just end up with my hand on my head playing with my hair. I am beginning to read about the actual mechanics of a habit. It is really interesting stuff. Anyone reading this should do the same. I am not saying it will help but it will definitely help you understand that this is not entirely in your control.
I still have no idea why I pull. I don't really intend to figure it out, either. Though I made the observation a few posts ago that I enjoyed the distraction the pain caused from different emotions and thoughts at this point I am maintaining that the observation was just that - an observation and not a definitive answer.
Progress is being made. I do feel like I am climbing a mountain though. The feeling of success this is giving me is an amazing feeling. It helps me stay focused and happy with my progress even though I had a slip up or two.
Regardless this one kinda got me thinking "Damn it."
I'm done thinking about it before I beat my moral up too much. Hair is still growing in nicely. At least I didn't concentrate the pulling to one spot I don't think. That could be dangerous.... sigh.
Today is the third day in a row I have consistently pulled a significant amount of hairs. I am currently feeling an overwhelming feeling of sadness and with a pretty large sense of panic.
Today I pulled in a concentrated spot on the front of my hair and opened up a small spot. I used to pull at this spot because of the way it feels when I pull from that area. I am not sure how else to describe it other than if feels strangely good - in a completely different way than any of the other spots on my head.
I am at this point a little worried. I WILL NOT GIVE UP THOUGH. These past few days are days I needed to remind me that even slightest bit you let your guard down this disorder will come back full force. I am reminded to keep my ego in check. Which is ironic because a full head of hair would help my confidence as a person dramatically. I am a very confident person in every aspect other than the lingering reminder that I cannot take off my hat under any circumstances. My hair alone is my most vulnerable aspect of my ego. The only vulnerable aspect i might add.
In short I am scared that I will not be able to stop again. I am afraid that I have given in. I am afraid of going to my event on the 9th and not being able to wear a hat then having to cut off all of my growth progress. That would be devastating. That CANNOT HAPPEN. It will not happen. I will defeat this fucking disorder. I know I can.
About 43 days ago I said I would stop. I did very well for a while. So I am wondering why I am relapsing now... Anyway. It doesn't matter, I guess. I must focus on continuing the battle to stop even though I have hit a bump or two along the way. Since I have had 3 major relapses I must not lie to myself and that is why from this point on I will discontinue using the words "PULL FREE FOR X amount of days" in context of the count from the beginning. March 29th is when I said I would stop. I came here, I made an account, chose the name 'ThisEndsNow' because I want this to be a history of myself, and now I am on the road to recovery.
This is actually teaching me a lot about myself. I am learning to be more aware of my feelings. I am learning that if I can overcome this disorder I can overcome any challenge in my life. Anything is easier than this. Anything. I am learning that I do not have the will power I thought I had. Up until now I have always thought I could conquer any amount of challenge that I come across. Today I realize that 100% of my focus each day is killing this disorder. I am putting so much mental effort into it I am loosing motivation doing other things as the struggle is enormously taxing.
Anyway that is enough excuses. Today I really messed up. I have to own it. I will take this and run. I will begin once again as I did in the beginning - with a no excuse mentality. I will not pull any more hair under any circumstance - no matter what. I will remember how it makes me feel after a day of pulling and I will resist. Tonight I am sad and I feel more defeated than any other day in the last 41 days. I am taking a few deep breaths and I am closing my eyes and simply telling myself that this ends now.
3 days relapse is enough fix for a lifetime. No more hair will be pulled. No excuses. No just dealing with Trich. I am angry. I am done.
A lot of progress is being made. I can almost cover up all of the spots completely - that is - with the exception of the one on the front of my head that is now beginning to show after these two days. Now I am really scared that I am loosing control. I mean, I already have lost control... but... yeah. I am not giving up, obviously. Yeah. I agree. I know it sounds like I am. But I won't give up. I am saddened by this though and I am unsure how to file this setback in my list of ways to handle progress and relapses. (translation: I don't really know how to handle these relapses. What I really mean is I am not sure whether to be angry at myself or just say it happens and attempt to fight harder the next day. That obviously sounds both better and like the answer - but my moral is at an all time low since the day after I started this thread.) It has been 46 days since I started this journey. I said I cannot wait for day 50 and 100. Today I am not sure if I want those days to come just yet under these circumstances. I am scared. I am tired. Sounds familiar, yes? This disorder will do that to you..... Moving on.
My event is in 25 days. This is enough to regain confidence if I do not pull any more. This is my new goal after these step backs. I will not pull tomorrow. I will not pull the day after that. And (lets try this one last freaking time) I will not pull EVER AGAIN.
I honestly don't want encouragement or advice from any of you at this time. It will just make me more frustrated because I've likely tried telling myself the things you will tell me or I have already tried the things you will advise. Don't take it personally. Wait this is the Internet. Possibly the least personal means of communication. hahhhaha Anyway. You get what I mean.
Were all fighting a battle here. Each a little bit different than the other. Sometimes the only person that can do anything about it, is the person fighting the battle. We have all felt this before and this is where I am at now. I will tell you this. I am reading this thread from the beginning to help with my moral. I've got to get my shit together.... *sigh*
OBSERVATIONS:
Over the last two days I have been extremely exhausted. I am still thinking that this disorder for me is influenced on my subtle stress and lack of sleep. That could be just finding an excuse. Actually now that I think about it - it is just that - an excuse. I don't know. If you want to know more, send me a message. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore than I already have.
Goodnight or.... Good.... whatever time it is.
If I pull a hair out again I will stop everything I am doing, close my eyes, take a deep breath or two, and just talk it out with myself. It happens. I know I can stop and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I expected days of fear like this. I just need to stay focused and maintain the will power to stop. It took me 21 days to pull. I can do that again.... Easily. Or at least I should be able to. I know because I did it not long ago. Just gotta keep my eyes on the prize. That crown we call a hairstyle. Maximum effort! - (Obligatory movie reference.)
Today is day 64. And it comes with some bad news. I have had a total relapse and have reverted to normal pulling habits. As a result I will NOT meet my goal of having my thin spots covered by June 9th for the banquet I will be attending. I was on great track to do so until I started pulling on the front right of my head a few weeks ago. It is now completely bald and is a space that covers a square inch or two. Fortunately once I stared noticing a thin spot coming along and after a bit of pulling I cut the hair that was left with my trimmer so I could not pull the remaining hair. Today, after much effort to find a solution to my problem I am admitting that I cannot cover it no matter which way I comb my hair. This hurts my morale. Significantly. BUT, Life goes on so I have began to think of what my next steps are.
I am once again out of control when pulling. So the only option I see now is to cut my hair off before I ruin all the new growth. I will start a new pull free count and continue the reference point March 30th as the original attempt to quit for good.
This is the deal I am making with myself. - If I pull out another hair under any circumstance I will cut off my hair for a few months until the latest hairs I pulled start to regenerate follicles and deal with the "you should let your hair grow" comments for a few more months. If I DO NOT pull after I write this post and June 9th rolls around - I ordered some stuff that is supposed to cover up thin spots or bald spots. You just rub it on and the powder is supposed to do its magic. It was only a sample so at $3 for shipping I thought I would just forgo the usual soda or snack that day and buy the magic whatever it is instead. So hopefully that solves that. If it doesn't - I am still working on that scenario. Maybe I'll just cut it anyway,
As I figure everything out I will try to keep this updated. Like I said - I am hurt. and for me, I usually don't feel like spilling my guts out on this when I am dealing with the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. The war is far from over. It has only just begun. Trust me, I have not given up.
Cheers, everyone. Keep on keeping on out there!
BEGIN NEW CHAPTER: LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN... And for fucks sake - do it right this time.
Day 1 begins tomorrow on the pull count. The plan is to once again keep track of the days I have not pulled. I will no-guard my head for two of four weeks to allow the hairs that were pulled without the follicles to grow back. Then I will begin letting it grow out again. Once that phase begins - If I pull a hair out, I will cut IT ALL OFF again until I do not pull any more. Same plan as last time but i'm adding the zero tolerance policy. DON'T SCREW UP. Till then the dose of Biotine each night continues as well as a light application of Vitamin E to my scalp each night to keep it extra healthy and hydrated. Bummer I had to start over but life goes on. I just remembered that I got here first by ending the excuse train that kept me pulling. NO MORE EXCUSES. It's over. (hopefully). hahahah
To my future self - please don't ever come back to this stage. It really sucks.
Everyone else - Have a nice day/night!
**Apologies for the vulgar language. I uhhh.... Need it for emphasis? Whatever. Thats just they way I talk sometimes. I don't want to sugarcoat this blog or whatever it is.**