They say we are defined by our actions. Not our words.

7 months ago I created this account and username 'ThisEndsNow.' I was desperate for a new beginning. I was lost and I was searching myself for answers. I begged myself to stop pulling. I desperately wanted to stop. I wanted to understand. 

Two days ago I had a major relapse. Even though my hair had been cut to the length a guard-less trimmer would allow I somehow managed to create a bald spot I had not pulled at in over a year. The hair was growing in nicely and though it was still thin it was better than ever before. The bald spot now measures around a half-inch in width and an inch and a half in length. At this point I am unsure whether or not major damage was done to the follicles and the hairs will take 3 months to repair and regenerate or if most of them were just the hair pulled and recovery will begin in two weeks or so. 

At this point I have no understanding of what triggered this relapse. I have been stress free and I am thrilled to say every day is the best day of my life even though the pulling continues. 

I opened this thread with the phrase "we are defined by our actions. Not our words.” because for 7 months I have actively fighting this disease while for the 13 or so years I have pulled before this I have simply wanted to stop. Begged myself to stop. Lost hope. Pulled anyway. And sought out answers with no actual fight. And some would say I have failed thus far while others would say I have made significant strides. These definitions do not matter to me.

You see, to me, life is a work in progress. I am not perfect. Even though I like to think I would be if I didn't have trich. (Obviously I say that jokingly.) But in a lot of ways I am thankful for it. Yes. You read that correctly. I am thankful. Looking back the amount of strength this disease has given me continues to baffle me with each passing day. I am invincible when it comes to others thoughts about my values or myself. I have truly begun to live as I define who I am and what I do with my life. I wake up every day and I decide whether I am happy or not without the influence of anyone or anything else even though I struggle with the biggest adversary I could imagine. Each day I am reminded, through the spots ripped thin or bald, of my integrity. I am reminded that I am my own self. And though I may not understand or even have control over the problem that is trich I define my happiness. This ultimately helps me continue the fight to stop.

Again I am still in the battle. But maybe there is some light in the darkness. I am an extremely strong person thanks to this disease. But maybe I have gotten out of it all that it will give.  I will be thankful for what the disease given me and understand that I will get no more. I will stop pulling. I will be free.

I have already proven this through covering up the seemingly impossible to hide bald spots. I have proven this through swimming with friends and them never seeing me in my weakest state. I have proven this be helping others and remaining positive even though sometimes I am extremely angry at myself for continuously hurting myself time after time without reason.  I have proven this by remaining happy even though every day I wake up I face the most difficult, demeaning, and hurtful thing I have and ever will experience.

I will stop. Because tonight I understand that my strength will be measured by beating the thing that made me the powerful person I am today. From now on when I look in the mirror I will look myself in the eyes and understand that this is over.  It is a matter of action. Find it in yourself to stop. Tonight for me is that night. I have pulled the last hair I will ever pull and I will never again justify reasoning for pulling another. This disease is in the mind - In my mind. I am in control. And I will stop.

This is a new chapter. My bald spots do not define my strength anymore. My strength is now defined by my will and devotion to fighting the battle I have desired to eradicate for so long. Trichotillomania is now, from this moment forward, a part of my past.  

Godspeed, 

N.

Success will come with happiness. As long as you have a smile on your face anything is possible. 

I will no longer post on this thread or my other as I feel this is a journey each and every one of us must take on our own.