Welcome to the real family of compassion and understanding!:)

You know the reality, but accepting it is another thing. It's something most of us crave, to hear that acknowledgement and most of a apology. Those things are rare for us and letting go of that hurt and anger is hard to do, yet achievable.

When my dad was dying at home, I helped mom care for him. I got to see a lot of something I only seen once in him, fear. He was shitting bricks reflecting of all the many lives he destroyed and knowing he would have to answer to that. Plus the fact that I was caring for him and he was now the one that was weak and vulnerable.

What I did long after he died was to wrote him a letter and burn it. It help me let go a little.
I would suggest writing him a letter also and if you want send it to him. First hang on to it for a little bit to reedit as necessary. Plus show it to a couple of close friends to get their take. Do you your best to not be threatening in any way since you don't want police knocking on your door, but chances of that happening are slim since he'll want to continue to keep the secret hushed.
Also make copies, so you can re-read outloud and tear them up or crumple them up, stomp on them etc, anything to let out that hurt and anger. Burn one copy outside or you can bury it under a tree.

I understand what you're going through and probably everyone else here does too, so you're not alone. Feel free to post, vent, seek solutions, etc as much as you need to. It's rough, yet you can heal from this!
My Best to You,
Blaine

Thank you Blaiine for your compassionate and supportive response!

I also saw fear in my fathers eyes when I went to see him after I had confronted him on the phone. I have to tell you that the reason I confronted him was that he told me he sent a letter to me explaining why he was looking at pornography on the internet. I asked him why he felt he needed to give me an explanation, and not his wife, my mother? His response sickened and shocks me still to this day. He told me that he was impotent and wanted see if he could get aroused by looking at the porn. It was in that moment that I realized that he didn't see me as his daughter, but his lover. I became very calm. It was as if a veil had been lifted and I stood at the entrance to a place I had never seen, but wanted to go. I knew I would be okay once I passed the threshold. I told him then that I remembered the abuse. I had never forgotten. I only pretended like everything was okay. I asked him if he understood what he did had caused me many years of self-loathing and pain. His response was that if he ever did that to me, he didn't remember it. I didn't really get angry at this point. I just was in a state of complete calm. Almost like someone was there with me, holding my hand and telling me it was okay.
I went to their home to take back several items that my mother had left at my house. Items that she had bought and hid them from my dad at my house. He is very hard of hearing, so he didn't even know I was there. When I walked up behind him, he was kneeling down on the ground next to his lawnmower. When I spoke, he must of thought is was my mother, because he smiled and turned around. When he saw it was me, he froze. He looked away and then slowly rose to face me. He looked positively terrified. I felt very safe in that moment, and a little confused by his fear. I stood there for the first time not feeling like a frightened child, but as the adult facing my demon. We talked about the abuse of my siblings by my mother. He had some weak responses to that, but was quick to tell me that I was out of their will and would not get anything from them. I laughed at this. It really was ridiculous to me. I didn't want anything they had. I wanted safety, security, support, and love from my parents. Something I never had, and obviously never would.

I like your suggestions of writing him a letter and burning it. I am just so overwhelmed with grief. So overwhelmed with the loss of what will never be.

I have also wondered what my father will think about as he faces death. My last conversation with my mom was bizarre to say the least. She talked to me as if I were an acquaintance. She told me she had found religion, which leads to me to think that they are both terrified of facing what they did to us kids when they pass over.

I don't have anger towards them anymore. Just grief. I went through the anger several times since I came out the abuse.

I have shared my recovery with several friends, but worry about bringing this back up to them after so many years. I really don't know where to start. We all have busy lives and problems of our own. I don't want to burden them with my own problems, I also think part of this is how difficult it is to ask for help.

I need to get back to my therapist, which has not been possible due to all the bad weather here and the poor road conditions.

Sorry to go on so long.

Just glad that I have found this site to talk with those who know what this feels like.

If you're not sending him a letter, I wouldn't worry about getting your friends to read it over. I should explain the letter a little better. The more senses we can use in healing, the better the release of the trauma. So write the letter with pen and paper and copies can be scanned from that for crumpling etc. With the reading out loud, your using your voice as well as hearing it. It's a stronger effect than reading it silently. Do this frequently and let those tears flow and eventually you'll start to feel a peace as you're reading, then it's time to set those words, that pain free with the fire.
I sense you're doing very well. I can feel it in your words, that calmness remains. The grieving is always hard and no easy way around that. Yet it's a very essential part of the process. You have a incredibly strong spirit, always remember that, since there will be times you'll feel the opposite. Just keep pushing through and YOU WILL find what you're looking for!! :)

Thank you for the clarification, Blaine. I will do this. It sounds worthwhile, and I want to get the pain out.

Welcome to the group. I am so sorry to hear what your father did to you. And then to have a daughter who was abused also must be so hard for you. I am so very sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

I was abused by a neighbor but I can understand the strength of betrayal felt when a parent hurts you in such a way. I can also understand that you want some acknowledgement from him that he understands what he did was wrong and that he feels remorse for it. I wanted the man who abused me to feel some deep pain too but it was more I wanted him to feel the terror that he made me feel. Like WB said, he got to see the fear in his fathers face and I would have loved to see that in the man who abused me. But that is not possible because I don't remember the man who abused me - only the house it happened in.

I also did what WB suggests - I wrote out my feelings and burned them. I ripped them up, crumpled them and got some of my anger out. It is very healing.

I hope you find the closure you are looking for without calling your father because I fear that will create more disappointment and hurt than healing. And you do not deserve to be hurt by him any more. You deserve to heal and move on with your life.

(hugs)

Thank you Lucky Empath. You are so right. I deserve better. It won't help to call him, as I won't get what I am looking for. I have done some journaling for my inner child, which has helped.

Thank you again for your kind words and support.

Wish it wasn't under these conditions, but
Welcome to the group. There are a whole bunch of us on here that understand a lot of your feeling, thoughts, and all that (sorry, forgot the next word I was going to use)
In here, even if no one has been through exactly what you have ( as with me) the thoughts and feelings and everything else... someone in here has or a bunch of us have been though.
I'm here if you wanna chat, or ask questions.
Anything, anytime!!

And as my nick says

You are not alone!

Guys will NEVER admit theit faults no matter what the lie is. You just have to accept closure without having his input. He will absolutely never admit it n if he does id be floored.

That being said, im sorry for what happened to you. I was sexually abused by my grandfather n I do not speak to him. His mind is gone, hes confused n crazy but hes been crazy my entire life. I will never get him to admit anything either. I am still learing how to heal from this n I hope you fully come to peace and healing with what happened in your past.

Thank you for the replies! It is comforting to know, although a sad statement on our society, that there are people who understand what I am going through as a result of the abuse.

I agree that he will never admit what he did, and I need to find a way to come to terms with this and find peace.

I have been working through this for more than ten years, and sometimes I feel like I haven't made any progress, when I know in reality I have.

I am currently doing inner child work, and this is where I got stuck. I have been journaling, but I think it helps to get my story out there to other people who know what this is like.

So, I would like to share some of the memories I have. I won't go into details, only my emotional reactions.

My mother was a raging lunatic my whole life. I suspect she is a borderline personality disorder who married a pedophile. She would beat my brother and one sister, and never beat me and my oldest sister. She would however, love to pull my hair and jerk me by my arm while spewing horrible words to me. She called my one sister a whore since we were small children. My father would never intervene. They threw my one sister and brother out of the family many years ago, stating that they just wouldn't live by their standards. CRAZY! I remember one time my mother was raging at my sister and I crawled onto the top shelf of a bathroom closet to hide. I feel asleep there, and awoke to the frantic sounds of my family members calling for me.

I remember my father telling my mother to put me in the bed with him, and she would. She knew. She knew what he would do. For the life of me, I will never understand how she could do this. I have tried to rationalize this behavior by saying that she was very damaged by her own abusive childhood, and feared being alone, so she sacrificed us kids to keep a roof over her head. But really, I can't give her that out. I had a child and when I found out that she was being abused by her father, I did everything I could to put him in prison. I wanted him dead! I did not treat my daughter the way my mother treated us kids, so I realized that it was a choice. I was abused, and knew how much it hurt, so I would never do that to my daughter.

It seems that all of the past is a little jumbled right now, and it may not make sense as I write this down. I feel like I am back to square one with my healing. Perhaps, it would help if anyone here has done some inner child work and can share what helped them.

So glad I found this site, and am grateful for the warm welcome.

There is also an incest survivors support group here. You can find it at http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Incest-Survivors/support-group It may also help you to connect with others whose parents sexually abused them.

I have done ALL of my healing work with my inner children. I can't even imagine going through it without them. It was the best way for me to heal.

There is so much I can talk to you about when it comes to working with inner children that it may be better if you ask me something and then I can respond. We can also take it offline in a Private Message (PM). I'll send you a friend request and if you want to chat please send me a PM. Or, you can ask your questions here and I would be happy to answer them.

(hugs)

Hello sweet lady, your story is a sad one, and as a male I feel nothing but shame and disgust for you father. Your father is in denial, it doesn't exempt him though from being a "dirty old man".

It is up to you to forgive him, but you need not ever tell him so, it is better to do so in his absence. Forgiveness is critical to your future happiness, and I sincerely hope you are able to do so some time soon.

What your father did is not a reflection of the type of person you are, you are special, you are beautiful, and you are lovable, so make sure you treat yourself and are treated that way, because anything short of is you living a lie.

Thank you OldCodger. I have forgiven him, a long time ago. I don't wish any harm to him, but you are right, he is a dirty old man.

Thank you for saying that I am not a reflection of what he did to me. Knowing it and feeling it are two different things, though. I still struggle with the "secret" being larger than life and somehow being seen by others as something quite ugly within me. Something that I am still working on.

Unknown to you your father has admitted his abuse to you, via his CONSCIENCE. The conscience is our direct contact line to God, do you think God will have mercy on his soul?

I suspect you won't, and nor should you just quietly, and the same applies to your disgusting husband, if real life fails to get you the after life definitely will.

HI OldCodger,

I agree that they will answer for what they have done when they leave this world. It doesn't have to be this way, though. It really doesn't. We should live in a world where all children are cherished and loved.

Thanks for your support!

clljhns: I am not 100% sure what inner child work is. I have not gotten that far in healing from my past. I am only beginning to understand how my past has affected me so much, and I have been going back and forth with what to do about it. My intentions are to find good psychiatrist and follow through. My disgust and mistrust of people prevents me from seeking help. I honestly feel like I would do more healing by myself, figuring things out alone. I don't know if doing that can only get so far. I don't like opening up to people. I feel like people do not care about others usually, and why should I put my problems in hands of another person. I feel like healthcare providers are only after your money. I'm just trying to not hate the world, and everyone, and myself.

Anyway, I can share my story with you though. My grandfather would physically, sexually, and emotionally abuse me. I know it was abuse in all forms, but specific details of what he did to me sexually I do not remember, only in fragments. I did not understand that I was being abused for long time. When I was young, I just learned to be good, keep quiet, and don't make trouble. I tried to do this all the time, to not set him off. He was probably insane, bipolar maybe schizophrenic. My mother finally sent him to live with family out of the country, and I do not see or speak to him anymore. However, when living with him I would not speak to him anymore. I would just try to avoid him. He would have crazy mood swings, and start yelling/attacking me and my brother if we did anything wrong to mess up the house. He treated us like he hated us for some reason, or he just ignored us keeping to his business. He was never loving family member towards us like a normal grandfather would be. He would get delusional, and think things were happening when they weren't. He started hallucinating later when I got older, but might have been hallucinating before and just not said anything. He would get angry at us for letting people in the house, but he was hallucinating. We were not letting anyone in the house. He would keep knives, and garden tools in random places in the house to try to protect himself if these "people" ever got in the house. He was hallucinating that people were trying to get to him. If I looked at him wrong, he would grab knife and threaten to stab me with knife. When he would get crazy, my mother and father would have him sent away to family out of the country, or stay with close friends of ours for a while, then he would come back. He was like a ticking time bomb. He would go crazy, then be alright for few days, then he would have an episode again, then be alright for weeks, then something would happen again, and so on. The sexual abuse I remember waking up and my shirt was off in middle of night. I remember him putting my hands to my sex. I remember him chasing me around room trying to get at me, but I don't remember everything. I don't remember anything really clearly or in detail. What I do remember, is the fear of him going crazy, I remember trying to stay away from him, and I remember how I felt like he hated me. He lived with me and my brother for my entire life until few years before I moved out of my mom's house. I have had depression for most of my life, battling it without any medication. When I was in elementary school, I tried to make plans to run away. I put a bag together, walked out of the house, started walking away, and realized that I didn't know where to go so I went back. When I went back, I just tried to stay away from him as best as I could. When I got older, I fought him back, and kept him from doing things to me. I would run away from him, and I wouldn't let him touch me. In middle school, I started to have severe depression, suicidal ideation, and attempted suicide by overdose. After graduating high school, I attempted suicide again by overdose after I broke off a relationship with someone. I have not attempted every since. Currently, after my breakup with my ex-fiancee I am having suicidal thoughts again, but I do not want to attempt. I know that I have to try to work out my problems. There is no more abuse, there isn't anything going on anymore. What there is left is me feeling like I hate everything, will not trust anyone completely, and days I feel so tired of fighting daily struggles, I feel like ending it. I hate admitting that I was abused in this way. I think was in denial for most of my life. I didn't want to face the fact that I was that person being abused. I started making actual plans right after my break-up with my fiancee to end my life. Then I met somebody shortly after my break-up in dating from online that told me he had similar problems. I could not hide my problems from him, he realized I was severely depressed. We ended up confiding in each other with our problems. He has convinced me into getting help. I fully intend to try to get help. I figure, I've got to give it a shot, and maybe there is a way to get over this.