Recently, I've been struggling with the idea that what possibly happened to me when I was a child was incest. I don't quite know how to explain it, logically I know it was if it did, but I've never really thought about it until now and just the thought of the word makes me sick.

Several years ago I had these flashes of images in my head, memories I guess they'd be called but flashes describes them more accurately. The first one was of me lying in bed with my grandfather in a nightgown, his hand on my thigh. The next was of me in the bathtub and him coming in, looking at me through the mirror and shutting the door. I remember my grandmother shouting at me, saying how disgusting he and I were because we shared the same bed at night. I was between 6 and 7. I was only ever allowed to wear nightgowns to bed, I remember. 

I started remembering this when I was 14. I've never told my family, I always figured it was just something my mind was making up for some reason. And then my mother told me one day out of nowhere that her father, my grandfather, asked her to have sex with him when she was fifteen. 

I don't have any concrete memories of touching, just these little bits here and there. There will be times I'm overcome with such revulsion, even though I can't pinpoint why.

I guess my question is, if anyone has experienced this before and how they've learned to deal? I loved my grandfather so much, he was my hero, and I hate thinking about him like this. I just feel like I'm on the brink of remembering, but I don't really want to.

I'm sorry if this is confusing, it's hard to explain and I feel crazy half the time.

Thank you for taking the time to read.