Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Please suggest dates!
Things I plan to change (because every year is a learning experience, and if you'll just be patient with me we'll constantly improve):
I'll offer the extra first day again. This year I specified that it was an "unscheduled day," as in nothing planned. I'll do that again, except with some type of organized "mixer" that evening to incorporate newcomers a little better.
Schedule: I'm not sure what to do with contradictory feedback on scheduling. Some feedback encourages me to leave it loose/deliberately unstructured because it allows a more relaxed, social feel. In fact, that has often been one of the MOST praised features about the retreat: it's not over-scheduled with plans. Other feedback, however, suggests the exact opposite: run a "tighter ship," with more precise scheduling of activities. I'd like to do that, but leaving it loose also helped accommodate the fact that people tend to stay up very late and not even become conscious until after 10AM (or later). I'd welcome advice on how loose OR strict you'd like the schedule next year, and how to propose a schedule while also being realistic about the likelihood of peoples' being able to adjust to it.
Food: It's impossible to come up with a menu that offers every variety we'd all like. That's why I pestered you all so persistently for feedback in advance about what types, flavors, brands, limitations, and preferences each person had for food. And I tried to absorb ALL of that input, thinking "Well, golly, I have a menu that everyone will like because I created it by assembling all of their suggestions!" In hindsight, though, the feedback seems to be that we still need yet other options: less meat, for example, and more light fare. And frankly, I'm aware that the frybread was a disaster...for newcomers, that was NOT frybread. The cook assured me she knew how to make it, but real frybread is a light, fluffy pastry-like bread, not a crunchy, deep-fried greasy serving of drywall. Please don't despise "Indian Tacos" on this basis; I'd love to offer Indian Tacos again but with the PROPER bread: a non-greasy, sweet-tasting pillow! No need to gripe about it; I'm well aware already. Apologies especially to our overseas friend, who missed a chance to taste a real Native American delicacy. I'll ask people again to suggest their preferences for food types and dietary restrictions, and I'll incorporate all of that feedback into next year's menu, but remember that the menu is the product of YOUR collective input, "so speak up or forever hold your peace."
Conversation: This is a mistake I made. I was worried that if people thought they'd have to "open up" about hard topics, they would be afraid to come. So to prevent this, I advised people to actually AVOID such topics, to reduce the rick of triggers. My intent was to express the calm and peaceful environment of the retreat, differentiating it from a "therapy immersion weekend." Inadvertently, though, it had the unexpected effect of also stifling conversations about those topics when people actually WANTED to open up, because after all "Matt said we shouldn't." So I'll adjust my advice next year to welcome the open expression of those things, but with a cautious awareness of the risk, and the disclaimer that it is not required or expected of anyone. If people are simply reminded of the possible triggers and if they are assured that they will not be subjected to impromptu therapy, then anyone can feel free to express as much or as little as they would like.
Okay, now give me feedback. Remember that I'm very sentimental in my emotions about this retreat--it's my baby, my creation--but I also need to know what to tweak. I need nuts-and-bolts advice. Where you comfortable with Bill? Was it okay that he prayed for and hugged each of us? Was that awesome or awkward? Do you want Bill to be more of a speaker/educator, or more of a sharer/connector? Was I available enough for people who wanted to talk to me more deeply? We grew by seven people since 2009; can we grow by seven more in 2011? What helped you the most? I tried to stay out of the way and not emphasize myself at all: I didn't give a presentation, I didn't pray, I didn't make tons of speeches--I let Bill take the spotlight. Did you appreciate that I didn't do those thing, or should I have offered more of myself in those ways? I don't want humility to come off as detachment. Bill and I share the same empathic ability to "read" other survivors, but I carefully avoided doing so because I didn't want to come off heavy, I just wanted to be "fun Matt." I encouraged Bill to use his skills to connect like that instead. Was it helpful to have Bill as the "deeper" connection and me as the organizer and operator, or would you have liked for me to offer a more empathetic/compassionate connection as well?
Things I plan to change (because every year is a learning experience, and if you'll just be patient with me we'll constantly improve):
I'll offer the extra first day again. This year I specified that it was an "unscheduled day," as in nothing planned. I'll do that again, except with some type of organized "mixer" that evening to incorporate newcomers a little better.
Schedule: I'm not sure what to do with contradictory feedback on scheduling. Some feedback encourages me to leave it loose/deliberately unstructured because it allows a more relaxed, social feel. In fact, that has often been one of the MOST praised features about the retreat: it's not over-scheduled with plans. Other feedback, however, suggests the exact opposite: run a "tighter ship," with more precise scheduling of activities. I'd like to do that, but leaving it loose also helped accommodate the fact that people tend to stay up very late and not even become conscious until after 10AM (or later). I'd welcome advice on how loose OR strict you'd like the schedule next year, and how to propose a schedule while also being realistic about the likelihood of peoples' being able to adjust to it.
Food: It's impossible to come up with a menu that offers every variety we'd all like. That's why I pestered you all so persistently for feedback in advance about what types, flavors, brands, limitations, and preferences each person had for food. And I tried to absorb ALL of that input, thinking "Well, golly, I have a menu that everyone will like because I created it by assembling all of their suggestions!" In hindsight, though, the feedback seems to be that we still need yet other options: less meat, for example, and more light fare. And frankly, I'm aware that the frybread was a disaster...for newcomers, that was NOT frybread. The cook assured me she knew how to make it, but real frybread is a light, fluffy pastry-like bread, not a crunchy, deep-fried greasy serving of drywall. Please don't despise "Indian Tacos" on this basis; I'd love to offer Indian Tacos again but with the PROPER bread: a non-greasy, sweet-tasting pillow! No need to gripe about it; I'm well aware already. Apologies especially to our overseas friend, who missed a chance to taste a real Native American delicacy. I'll ask people again to suggest their preferences for food types and dietary restrictions, and I'll incorporate all of that feedback into next year's menu, but remember that the menu is the product of YOUR collective input, "so speak up or forever hold your peace."
Conversation: This is a mistake I made. I was worried that if people thought they'd have to "open up" about hard topics, they would be afraid to come. So to prevent this, I advised people to actually AVOID such topics, to reduce the rick of triggers. My intent was to express the calm and peaceful environment of the retreat, differentiating it from a "therapy immersion weekend." Inadvertently, though, it had the unexpected effect of also stifling conversations about those topics when people actually WANTED to open up, because after all "Matt said we shouldn't." So I'll adjust my advice next year to welcome the open expression of those things, but with a cautious awareness of the risk, and the disclaimer that it is not required or expected of anyone. If people are simply reminded of the possible triggers and if they are assured that they will not be subjected to impromptu therapy, then anyone can feel free to express as much or as little as they would like.
Okay, now give me feedback. Remember that I'm very sentimental in my emotions about this retreat--it's my baby, my creation--but I also need to know what to tweak. I need nuts-and-bolts advice. Where you comfortable with Bill? Was it okay that he prayed for and hugged each of us? Was that awesome or awkward? Do you want Bill to be more of a speaker/educator, or more of a sharer/connector? Was I available enough for people who wanted to talk to me more deeply? We grew by seven people since 2009; can we grow by seven more in 2011? What helped you the most? I tried to stay out of the way and not emphasize myself at all: I didn't give a presentation, I didn't pray, I didn't make tons of speeches--I let Bill take the spotlight. Did you appreciate that I didn't do those thing, or should I have offered more of myself in those ways? I don't want humility to come off as detachment. Bill and I share the same empathic ability to "read" other survivors, but I carefully avoided doing so because I didn't want to come off heavy, I just wanted to be "fun Matt." I encouraged Bill to use his skills to connect like that instead. Was it helpful to have Bill as the "deeper" connection and me as the organizer and operator, or would you have liked for me to offer a more empathetic/compassionate connection as well?
One thing Matt says in preparing us for this retreat is to know that we are there for ourselves...we need to take care of ourselves first (sort of like how they want you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you try to help anyone else on the airplane). If we recognize our limits and our boundaries we can respect them. It's not an unusual thing to have these boundary/personal space issues..we all do. I think next year, especially if you have been there before, you can be more at ease to share with us what your limits and boundaries are so we can respect them.
I really think this weekend is a time for us to discuss our stories if we need to do that. A good idea might be to ask the person your talking with if its ok for you to discuss details with them. (outside from Bill, Tonya, Matt, Jennifer, and Danee). Once people get more comfortable sharing their stories, I judge that it becomes second nature to be so open with their stories. Understanding that the person your speaking with might not be so far along is a good consideration. I must say that I think it's fairly easy to pick out the people who are more open to discussion.
I have to suggest...the ONE thing that was paramount in easing the transition that first year of attending was speaking to people on the phone before hand. Having at least a voice to put along with the words on a screen. I know this may not be an option for everyone, but just a suggestion of what worked for me to ease into the newness of the situation.
For instance...I would not like to do a question and answer, the jar game if you will. That kind of thing is simply out of my comfort zone. I respect that others really would like the input on this weekend, my reasons for going on this weekend are just different. I enjoy the company, am honored to participate in the sweatlodge and listen to the music. But that is not saying that anyone should need or want the same thing...I think that providing choices for those that want more structured activities with the understanding that active participation is not required...that would be perfect. A win/win!
I am just wondering prior to the retreat a post about "cultural issues" with regards to sharing the story, the touch/hug thing, etc. In the need, I see us as a culture with varying degrees of comfort around certain things.
One thing that I understand from fishing is that being in control is important. Maybe, that could be in the cultural training. Just a thought??
There was one person I hugged, even before I got out of the car and I had never actually 'met' her. I felt I knew her given how much we had communicated during the year and all that I knew about her and what I had shared with her.
I think it's something that really is different for each individual. Some survivors hug naturally, depending on their experiences and their personality.
From experience though, I can see how much my comfort level has changed from last year to this year, so I think pigeon holing ourselves as 'not a hugger' or 'not good with large groups" prevents us from experiences each of these things in this safe environment. Like the being 'uncomfortable with men in social settings'....that is a big one for some people *raises hand* that is very well respected at this retreat, so having the opportunity to just hang out with the men there, would be an incredible opportunity to improve that if you are looking to improve that. This setting is perfect in that the men that are working at the retreat (Matt, Bill, James, Billy and even the campground keeper) are very aware, considerate and respectful of those things. That is the one thing that is such a bonus. You really get to experience a wide variety of settings that allow you to safely expose yourself to situations that in everyday life would make you cringe.
Another instance...small, enclosed dark spaces can send me into a panic attack, but not once, in either sweatlodge has that ever been an issue. This year James explained why this was probably so...the beat of the drum being like the beat of your heart...focus on that if you start to become uncomfortable...it worked like a charm!
And the drum... yes it was amazing! During the end of the first round, the hardest for me, I focused on that and it helped so much!!! I remember telling Matt that's what I did and then hearing later from someone that the intent was for it to be heartbeat like and reassuring. I remember thinking, wow.... like a charm!!!!! That sweat was really amazing. Truly, prayers were answered there.
Now I am free to think about the retreat and post.
It's hard for me. The retreat was phenomenal and some significant things have been revealing to me lately. I slept well and miss the relaxation already.
I was grateful for Bill sharing. And for him talking out in the field. He also did his thing with me and yes I cried but I heard what I needed to hear.
His music is so moving. And also very beautiful renditions adding new meaning to old songs. I just don't know how it hits these places that just make crying happen!? And Thought it was nice to have both the entertainment arena and the intimate setting. Those group of songs and the candles set in holders in front had an incredible ambiance and meaning to me.
It's tough sometimes I don't know how to recognize myself getting older and stuff but just having a place to be with some really amazing people kinda just lifted things and reminds me just to be. Sometimes I felt awkward not knowing where to fit in again it was a reminder to just be.
About the structure for the most part that was fine for me. I think one or two additional scheduled events might add opportunity to get acclimated with others quicker. Like maybe a volleyball game. I saw people setting up but it was still the first day where it was like friends from earlier getting together and I would have been up for volleyball but if it had been like a group organized event would have felt fine for coming up and attending. I think some sort of group fun activity might work as a welcome thing. Other wise I thought it was nice to just have the time less structured and the scheduled events were just so fantastic.
I as well would have loved more healthy options including more salad and vegetables. I might have loved a big pot of beans to just get me through the weekend with vegetables and fruit. The Indian Tacos were good, I did have the pillowey ones in Tucson and yes that's probable better. I love the idea of say the box of food from a farmers market or maybe the Oklahoma food cooperative would be willing and able to put together a box for the retreat without their membership fee. That was something unexpected that I had to deal with regarding the retreat. I have been living in my little bubble and I think it's the rape that has made me fanatical about knowing where milk, cheese, eggs and meat come from. Nah I'd be that way anyway. Then I realized being "vegetarian" doesn't take care of that cause milk and cheese. So this was good practice for me in terms of figuring that out...that's why the beans on taco night was fabulous. It's interesting because some of my environmentally staunch Allys have minimized rape and then the rape group isn't necessary environmental group. Now, Buffalo burgers!!! That would be great. This is a part of my recovery process. Anyway there were options I just agree that more veggies and fruit would be awesome and a bean dish.
I think that the beauty was that people could fluctuate from talking "normal" and then being able to say something about something and have it understood and then go back to what's out the window. That is unique. The pre idea about not bring stuff up was a little imposing but I think people just decided to do what they needed. Once I felt some heavy stuff happen and i wasn't sure how to handle it.
I am still not really sure I am able to be myself or be comfortable with who I am. I do not feel real secure or light and loved in the world and it weighs on my ability to be jovial. Coming back to nobody was kinda weird and that's my issue. But Bill tried to impart some faith for me in this area!
It was just so good to be away.
Matt I didn't know you were balancing out perspectives. I got a message one morning in my sleep that had your voice on it so who knows maybe you were sleep advising!!!!
All and all it works and is a benefit to those who attend. A tweak here or there could only help to accommodate and already accommodating weekend of peace and prayer and enjoyment. And it's just a really nice setting.
And the sweat lodge ceremony itself is such an act of giving and sharing and healing.
Oh and just so you know...if you would get up early, Like me..you would get your pick of the good food AND get to watch someone elses child eat easter candy for breakfast! (I did try to convince him to try something a little healthier, but hey....Debbie tried too)
There is a bagel run the first day so ...get up early and take your pick!
P.S Cedar was great too! He wasn't around much though, too busy playing outside!
"Or or cultural training could be at the mixer, when we introduce ourselves we could tell the others...for instance I said prior to the retreat...I am not a hugger, so please don't be offended if I don't hug people. "
I would have so said this before the retreat if I had thought about it. But do you know what I am so glad that I didn't ? (I forgot how touchy feely you yanks were!!!!) I was thinking last night about the times in my life when i have felt truly 'held'. Now there is a good 'fish' word if ever there was one! There are so few when i have allowed myself to be physically, mentally or spiritually held. I counted 4 in my whole life - all of them within the last year. But at the retreat there were two! i felt so spiritually held in the sweat lodge, it is hard to describe or define but it was profound. The second was saying good bye to people and one oh so lovely person grabbed my and gave me a bloody great big hug and said some wise words quietly to me (you know who you are!!). It was also profound. Life melting even!
So do feel free to say those things, i would have worn it on a T-shirt "I don't do hugs", but I am so, so glad i didn't label myself and therefore make you do that too.
About hugs and Bill's "readings" or whatever...
We are each different, and I can be different in my ability to give/accept hugs from one day to the next. I felt Matt especially, but also Bill, were sensitive about personal space and boundaries. I actually ended up having to ask Matt for permission to hug him because he was giving off such a cautious vibe when I met him that first day. Haha -- first time that's ever happened to me!
Bill's hugs on the last day felt very healing to me. If I was Leitha, I could probably analyze it and describe it eloquently and make all of you experience it...but I can't. It was just powerful. That's all I can say.
As for the other thing -- I'm finding it even harder to find the right words. I don't want to offend anyone so I'll try to be careful. Church has been a huge part of my life. I've seen a lot. I've been around the block, so to speak. I have baggage. OK, that's probably way too vague and makes no sense to anyone but me. Let's put it this way: if Bill had been remotely "churchy", if he had used triggering language for me like "God has given me a word for you" or "The Holy Spirit is revealing this to me", I would have either jumped up and run out the door or curled up and shut down completely. I would not have been remotely open to what he said, because I wouldn't have believed that he was being truthful.
Bill just...said stuff. And what he said to me was right on, and it was stuff he would have had no way of knowing, and I believe strongly that God was speaking through him to me. But it wasn't scary to me. There was no rebuke, no condemnation, no manipulation, no agenda. I didn't feel like I had to have my spiritual discernment radar up to ward off error, and I didn't need to grab my Bible to check and see if Bill was spouting false teaching. Because it wasn't like that at all. It was, at least for me, safe. It wasn't religion. It wasn't dogma.
I have appreciated that way that Matt has been so sensitive to our various beliefs and backgrounds. There is more that I want to say, but the words just won't come. Just...thank you. Thank you so much for being so tender and gentle with our hearts and souls.