Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Please suggest dates!
Things I plan to change (because every year is a learning experience, and if you'll just be patient with me we'll constantly improve):
I'll offer the extra first day again. This year I specified that it was an "unscheduled day," as in nothing planned. I'll do that again, except with some type of organized "mixer" that evening to incorporate newcomers a little better.
Schedule: I'm not sure what to do with contradictory feedback on scheduling. Some feedback encourages me to leave it loose/deliberately unstructured because it allows a more relaxed, social feel. In fact, that has often been one of the MOST praised features about the retreat: it's not over-scheduled with plans. Other feedback, however, suggests the exact opposite: run a "tighter ship," with more precise scheduling of activities. I'd like to do that, but leaving it loose also helped accommodate the fact that people tend to stay up very late and not even become conscious until after 10AM (or later). I'd welcome advice on how loose OR strict you'd like the schedule next year, and how to propose a schedule while also being realistic about the likelihood of peoples' being able to adjust to it.
Food: It's impossible to come up with a menu that offers every variety we'd all like. That's why I pestered you all so persistently for feedback in advance about what types, flavors, brands, limitations, and preferences each person had for food. And I tried to absorb ALL of that input, thinking "Well, golly, I have a menu that everyone will like because I created it by assembling all of their suggestions!" In hindsight, though, the feedback seems to be that we still need yet other options: less meat, for example, and more light fare. And frankly, I'm aware that the frybread was a disaster...for newcomers, that was NOT frybread. The cook assured me she knew how to make it, but real frybread is a light, fluffy pastry-like bread, not a crunchy, deep-fried greasy serving of drywall. Please don't despise "Indian Tacos" on this basis; I'd love to offer Indian Tacos again but with the PROPER bread: a non-greasy, sweet-tasting pillow! No need to gripe about it; I'm well aware already. Apologies especially to our overseas friend, who missed a chance to taste a real Native American delicacy. I'll ask people again to suggest their preferences for food types and dietary restrictions, and I'll incorporate all of that feedback into next year's menu, but remember that the menu is the product of YOUR collective input, "so speak up or forever hold your peace."
Conversation: This is a mistake I made. I was worried that if people thought they'd have to "open up" about hard topics, they would be afraid to come. So to prevent this, I advised people to actually AVOID such topics, to reduce the rick of triggers. My intent was to express the calm and peaceful environment of the retreat, differentiating it from a "therapy immersion weekend." Inadvertently, though, it had the unexpected effect of also stifling conversations about those topics when people actually WANTED to open up, because after all "Matt said we shouldn't." So I'll adjust my advice next year to welcome the open expression of those things, but with a cautious awareness of the risk, and the disclaimer that it is not required or expected of anyone. If people are simply reminded of the possible triggers and if they are assured that they will not be subjected to impromptu therapy, then anyone can feel free to express as much or as little as they would like.
Okay, now give me feedback. Remember that I'm very sentimental in my emotions about this retreat--it's my baby, my creation--but I also need to know what to tweak. I need nuts-and-bolts advice. Where you comfortable with Bill? Was it okay that he prayed for and hugged each of us? Was that awesome or awkward? Do you want Bill to be more of a speaker/educator, or more of a sharer/connector? Was I available enough for people who wanted to talk to me more deeply? We grew by seven people since 2009; can we grow by seven more in 2011? What helped you the most? I tried to stay out of the way and not emphasize myself at all: I didn't give a presentation, I didn't pray, I didn't make tons of speeches--I let Bill take the spotlight. Did you appreciate that I didn't do those thing, or should I have offered more of myself in those ways? I don't want humility to come off as detachment. Bill and I share the same empathic ability to "read" other survivors, but I carefully avoided doing so because I didn't want to come off heavy, I just wanted to be "fun Matt." I encouraged Bill to use his skills to connect like that instead. Was it helpful to have Bill as the "deeper" connection and me as the organizer and operator, or would you have liked for me to offer a more empathetic/compassionate connection as well?
Things I plan to change (because every year is a learning experience, and if you'll just be patient with me we'll constantly improve):
I'll offer the extra first day again. This year I specified that it was an "unscheduled day," as in nothing planned. I'll do that again, except with some type of organized "mixer" that evening to incorporate newcomers a little better.
Schedule: I'm not sure what to do with contradictory feedback on scheduling. Some feedback encourages me to leave it loose/deliberately unstructured because it allows a more relaxed, social feel. In fact, that has often been one of the MOST praised features about the retreat: it's not over-scheduled with plans. Other feedback, however, suggests the exact opposite: run a "tighter ship," with more precise scheduling of activities. I'd like to do that, but leaving it loose also helped accommodate the fact that people tend to stay up very late and not even become conscious until after 10AM (or later). I'd welcome advice on how loose OR strict you'd like the schedule next year, and how to propose a schedule while also being realistic about the likelihood of peoples' being able to adjust to it.
Food: It's impossible to come up with a menu that offers every variety we'd all like. That's why I pestered you all so persistently for feedback in advance about what types, flavors, brands, limitations, and preferences each person had for food. And I tried to absorb ALL of that input, thinking "Well, golly, I have a menu that everyone will like because I created it by assembling all of their suggestions!" In hindsight, though, the feedback seems to be that we still need yet other options: less meat, for example, and more light fare. And frankly, I'm aware that the frybread was a disaster...for newcomers, that was NOT frybread. The cook assured me she knew how to make it, but real frybread is a light, fluffy pastry-like bread, not a crunchy, deep-fried greasy serving of drywall. Please don't despise "Indian Tacos" on this basis; I'd love to offer Indian Tacos again but with the PROPER bread: a non-greasy, sweet-tasting pillow! No need to gripe about it; I'm well aware already. Apologies especially to our overseas friend, who missed a chance to taste a real Native American delicacy. I'll ask people again to suggest their preferences for food types and dietary restrictions, and I'll incorporate all of that feedback into next year's menu, but remember that the menu is the product of YOUR collective input, "so speak up or forever hold your peace."
Conversation: This is a mistake I made. I was worried that if people thought they'd have to "open up" about hard topics, they would be afraid to come. So to prevent this, I advised people to actually AVOID such topics, to reduce the rick of triggers. My intent was to express the calm and peaceful environment of the retreat, differentiating it from a "therapy immersion weekend." Inadvertently, though, it had the unexpected effect of also stifling conversations about those topics when people actually WANTED to open up, because after all "Matt said we shouldn't." So I'll adjust my advice next year to welcome the open expression of those things, but with a cautious awareness of the risk, and the disclaimer that it is not required or expected of anyone. If people are simply reminded of the possible triggers and if they are assured that they will not be subjected to impromptu therapy, then anyone can feel free to express as much or as little as they would like.
Okay, now give me feedback. Remember that I'm very sentimental in my emotions about this retreat--it's my baby, my creation--but I also need to know what to tweak. I need nuts-and-bolts advice. Where you comfortable with Bill? Was it okay that he prayed for and hugged each of us? Was that awesome or awkward? Do you want Bill to be more of a speaker/educator, or more of a sharer/connector? Was I available enough for people who wanted to talk to me more deeply? We grew by seven people since 2009; can we grow by seven more in 2011? What helped you the most? I tried to stay out of the way and not emphasize myself at all: I didn't give a presentation, I didn't pray, I didn't make tons of speeches--I let Bill take the spotlight. Did you appreciate that I didn't do those thing, or should I have offered more of myself in those ways? I don't want humility to come off as detachment. Bill and I share the same empathic ability to "read" other survivors, but I carefully avoided doing so because I didn't want to come off heavy, I just wanted to be "fun Matt." I encouraged Bill to use his skills to connect like that instead. Was it helpful to have Bill as the "deeper" connection and me as the organizer and operator, or would you have liked for me to offer a more empathetic/compassionate connection as well?
Oh, only date I cannot come at all....my 35th wedding anniversary the last weekend in May...well, May 30th...whatever day that falls on. I am open to the other dates described as long as I know in enough time to request the dates NOW...lol! More later on an idea I have...simple, no biggie...just, I am cooking Alaskan Salmon and sides...to celebrate my homecoming....and later, I'll be a little busy. Nitey nite. Oh, hubby made ma a margarita, and it is soooooo goood!
They asked me if I wanted a margarita on the plane flight home and I totally thought of you!
Matt, I think that people need to see more of who you are as a person and why you do what you do. I think that your knowledge base should be utilized in an awareness activity or something. Maybe it could be a question and answer session, not counseling just facts versus myths, fears, etc. Perhaps, we could have a jar to place questions or thoughts into and then meet and go over them. I believe that would help retreaters that didn't want the spotlight on them or were afraid to ask, but have a burning question that they need ideas or an answer for. Plus, others can offer their insight.
Chik Fil-A is closed on Sunday, because of the owner's beliefs. I am glad that he has upheld his beliefs in this society. Although, there are days when I have wanted Chik Fil-A on Sunday! :)
-- I appreciate it when people do come and speak from what they believe religiously because that is who they are.--
Ditto. Spirituality may be general, but how we get to that place called "spiritual" is very particular. I think a lot of people are afraid of being concrete about why they believe what they believe because they don't want to be off-putting. But for me spirituality is about wholeness and meaning. I think it is pretty hard to be whole without one's lived experiences or the memory of one's community. That means specifics like the name of Jesus for Christians, or the story of the Exodus or notions of peoplehood for Jews.
What I'm not so keen on is melting pot spirituality - the kind that tries to embrace everything at once or reduces everything to some common denominator. I think otherness is important. I feel much safer when people say "I believe" rather than "we all believe". As I see it, oneness comes from mutual recognition and appreciation of otherness. Acceptance based on some single merged identity, silence about differences, or the domination of one experience over all others is not really spirituality nor even acceptance.
If you are Christian that means I enjoy hearing how you identify with the death of Jesus and rejoice in his resurrection. And reciprocally, it means I hope you will enjoy hearing how I find my own faith in God's compassion and my reasons for moral action through the story of my people in history and my personal experiences.
I doubt "Jewish guy who was nice to women" is why any Christian believes life is worth living each day or even for that matter why "Jewish guy who was nice to women" is worth mentioning. For someone who believes in Jesus, "Jesus as nice guy to women" is a very important thing to hear. It is transformative because it says that the most perfect human was nice to women and gives us a right to question family or community norms. For some Jews it might also be eye-opening because in most Western countries, Jews are part of a Christianized culture that also holds Jesus up as a role model.
To me Jesus is just an ordinary man. He had a huge impact on the world and I am grateful for the way he has helped many people connect to God's love and their own and other's worth. However, he wasn't the only Jewish guy who was nice to women. Not then and not now. I don't mind hearing about Jesus but I feel that singling him out in the name of spirituality needs to be owned as a religious statement - its power comes from the meaning we attach to the name of Jesus and not to the mere fact of his respect for women. As long as this is owned, I'm comfortable.
Dear Matt, I wanted to say a huge thank you for the retreat, it was such an amazing privilege to be able to join with you and experience something as sacred as I felt this last weekend was. Just getting there was huge for me. Not the travel, but my being willing to be identified by this part of my life story that I have for a long time refused to acknowledge or be defined by. It was an amazing time though, and I have been truly and deeply affected by meeting with a group of people so accepting, non judgemental and loving.
I know you wanted feedback and I suppose these are some of my very jet lagged thoughts
1. Food â I know I joked about âboy foodâ, but actually I really liked it. I know that when I am in a good place I eat three healthy meals a day, I take time to prepare food for myself and I show that I care about myself by eating well. I think at the retreat it was so nurturing to be cooked for, to be provided for in that way. The food was good and really, the only thing I would change is to have a bowl of fruit around and salad to supplement lasagne (which was awesome!) and pizza â donât know if you do that in the states but we always have it with salad! So, hopefully not a big deal, just a tweak rather than a whole menu change. I would also have liked us to have thanked the cooks who gave up their time for us, maybe we could have done that before the closing ceremony or something? I wonder if you cold pass on my thanks as I really did appreciate the time they gave up to do that.
2. sleeping arrangements were great. Thank you for allowing me to have a room on my own. It was really important to me that that happened. I knew I needed space and was worried about waking others up, either with jet leg or with my disturbed nights. It may have been helpful to have that explained at the outset. I knew you had said it to me, but when we arrived I was a bit panicked as it was not clear what was going to happen. I am not sure how you would do it, but maybe you could put some labels on doors saying something like lone sleepers, or shared rooms. Not so you make certain people sleep in the same room together, but it might just make it a bit clearer and then people can be free to sleep alone if that is their preference?
3. Meetings: I liked the lack of structure, it is refreshing in a time pressured world to not have that, but a few basics might be good i.e. what time breakfast will be available from, what is expected to happen that day even if the timings are not written down. I know someone said something about âretreat timeâ being in a different time zone, but I wonder, particularly for us newbies it would be good to have a couple of things in the day that we know we can hook into?
I personally found the Bill Miller stuff tricky. I loved his music, but struggled with some of the things her said (Israeliâs and Pakistanis in Israel?? I think he meant Arabs, and the stuff about Catholic priests was a little insensitive). I know he was not in a good place and so was giving more from empty rather than the overflow of his heart which was so generous of him. I thought it was lovely that as a group people were so keen to embrace him. For me, I think I would have found it helpful to understand about the seeing stuff. It really freaked me out tbh and reminds me of some stuff that went on in church that was not helpful for me. I know these are my personal issues and I will work them through, but maybe an explanation about what it is, where it comes from and how it is used would be helpful. Also, I wish I had known about the prayer and hug at the end. I am not very good at walking out of things when I am uncomfortable, and I know I could have done that, but it felt disrespectful to do so and I thought maybe it would be good for me! Maybe if I had known I could have prepared or sat by the door and discretely gone out. (maybe I just need more therapy!!!) I think you have done so much to explain so many things to prepare us for so much of what would happen over the weekend. That was so, so helpful to me in thinking about what was going to happen, things I could research for myself, just so that I could come prepared. However, I was not prepared for this and was pretty edgy by the end. I am not great at hugs at the best of times and there were things about Billâs appearance that I found tricky â again really down to me and my madness, but I wonder if an explanation at the beginning would have just given me more preparation and more choice?
Conversation: I know that when I read the pre retreat information I thought that we were not allowed to talk about what happened to us for fear of triggering others. I think it made me nervous about saying things, that probably I could have done. I love the jar idea, I love the idea of tapping into your immense knowledge and wisdom, and maybe that of Jennifer too? Maybe in a structured environment would be a good starting point and conversations could move on from there? You guys are an amazing resource and I would so love to have heard more of your wisdom.
I know I am not very good at talking to men in a relaxed environment. I can hold my own at work when I am safely behind my mask! But socially I find it very difficult. I did move forward and even managed a hug ⺠so I am proud that I did that.
Matt, all these things seem really picky in the overall context of a retreat which just reached the parts other retreats donât reach! (maybe you didnât get that advert over there!) It was such a privilege to be amongst an amazing group of people. Just being with people who have an unsaid knowing, who we can all âpass as normalâ with (thank you Megan), who totally get the foibles and madness and do not require explanation, those who do not judge, was healing in and of itself. I enjoyed our conversation about lament â the healthy voice of grief I found in the sweat lodge, I found that I was âheldâ in the sweat lodge in a way I rarely have been before in m life and I was so touched by the gifts and mementos you gave to us, things that I will treasure for my life, another mark in the journey that I want to look back to and remember, in a journey where there are lots of things I want to forget. So thank you. I think it is tweaking, not changing. Thank you. britx