Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Please suggest dates!
Things I plan to change (because every year is a learning experience, and if you'll just be patient with me we'll constantly improve):
I'll offer the extra first day again. This year I specified that it was an "unscheduled day," as in nothing planned. I'll do that again, except with some type of organized "mixer" that evening to incorporate newcomers a little better.
Schedule: I'm not sure what to do with contradictory feedback on scheduling. Some feedback encourages me to leave it loose/deliberately unstructured because it allows a more relaxed, social feel. In fact, that has often been one of the MOST praised features about the retreat: it's not over-scheduled with plans. Other feedback, however, suggests the exact opposite: run a "tighter ship," with more precise scheduling of activities. I'd like to do that, but leaving it loose also helped accommodate the fact that people tend to stay up very late and not even become conscious until after 10AM (or later). I'd welcome advice on how loose OR strict you'd like the schedule next year, and how to propose a schedule while also being realistic about the likelihood of peoples' being able to adjust to it.
Food: It's impossible to come up with a menu that offers every variety we'd all like. That's why I pestered you all so persistently for feedback in advance about what types, flavors, brands, limitations, and preferences each person had for food. And I tried to absorb ALL of that input, thinking "Well, golly, I have a menu that everyone will like because I created it by assembling all of their suggestions!" In hindsight, though, the feedback seems to be that we still need yet other options: less meat, for example, and more light fare. And frankly, I'm aware that the frybread was a disaster...for newcomers, that was NOT frybread. The cook assured me she knew how to make it, but real frybread is a light, fluffy pastry-like bread, not a crunchy, deep-fried greasy serving of drywall. Please don't despise "Indian Tacos" on this basis; I'd love to offer Indian Tacos again but with the PROPER bread: a non-greasy, sweet-tasting pillow! No need to gripe about it; I'm well aware already. Apologies especially to our overseas friend, who missed a chance to taste a real Native American delicacy. I'll ask people again to suggest their preferences for food types and dietary restrictions, and I'll incorporate all of that feedback into next year's menu, but remember that the menu is the product of YOUR collective input, "so speak up or forever hold your peace."
Conversation: This is a mistake I made. I was worried that if people thought they'd have to "open up" about hard topics, they would be afraid to come. So to prevent this, I advised people to actually AVOID such topics, to reduce the rick of triggers. My intent was to express the calm and peaceful environment of the retreat, differentiating it from a "therapy immersion weekend." Inadvertently, though, it had the unexpected effect of also stifling conversations about those topics when people actually WANTED to open up, because after all "Matt said we shouldn't." So I'll adjust my advice next year to welcome the open expression of those things, but with a cautious awareness of the risk, and the disclaimer that it is not required or expected of anyone. If people are simply reminded of the possible triggers and if they are assured that they will not be subjected to impromptu therapy, then anyone can feel free to express as much or as little as they would like.
Okay, now give me feedback. Remember that I'm very sentimental in my emotions about this retreat--it's my baby, my creation--but I also need to know what to tweak. I need nuts-and-bolts advice. Where you comfortable with Bill? Was it okay that he prayed for and hugged each of us? Was that awesome or awkward? Do you want Bill to be more of a speaker/educator, or more of a sharer/connector? Was I available enough for people who wanted to talk to me more deeply? We grew by seven people since 2009; can we grow by seven more in 2011? What helped you the most? I tried to stay out of the way and not emphasize myself at all: I didn't give a presentation, I didn't pray, I didn't make tons of speeches--I let Bill take the spotlight. Did you appreciate that I didn't do those thing, or should I have offered more of myself in those ways? I don't want humility to come off as detachment. Bill and I share the same empathic ability to "read" other survivors, but I carefully avoided doing so because I didn't want to come off heavy, I just wanted to be "fun Matt." I encouraged Bill to use his skills to connect like that instead. Was it helpful to have Bill as the "deeper" connection and me as the organizer and operator, or would you have liked for me to offer a more empathetic/compassionate connection as well?
Things I plan to change (because every year is a learning experience, and if you'll just be patient with me we'll constantly improve):
I'll offer the extra first day again. This year I specified that it was an "unscheduled day," as in nothing planned. I'll do that again, except with some type of organized "mixer" that evening to incorporate newcomers a little better.
Schedule: I'm not sure what to do with contradictory feedback on scheduling. Some feedback encourages me to leave it loose/deliberately unstructured because it allows a more relaxed, social feel. In fact, that has often been one of the MOST praised features about the retreat: it's not over-scheduled with plans. Other feedback, however, suggests the exact opposite: run a "tighter ship," with more precise scheduling of activities. I'd like to do that, but leaving it loose also helped accommodate the fact that people tend to stay up very late and not even become conscious until after 10AM (or later). I'd welcome advice on how loose OR strict you'd like the schedule next year, and how to propose a schedule while also being realistic about the likelihood of peoples' being able to adjust to it.
Food: It's impossible to come up with a menu that offers every variety we'd all like. That's why I pestered you all so persistently for feedback in advance about what types, flavors, brands, limitations, and preferences each person had for food. And I tried to absorb ALL of that input, thinking "Well, golly, I have a menu that everyone will like because I created it by assembling all of their suggestions!" In hindsight, though, the feedback seems to be that we still need yet other options: less meat, for example, and more light fare. And frankly, I'm aware that the frybread was a disaster...for newcomers, that was NOT frybread. The cook assured me she knew how to make it, but real frybread is a light, fluffy pastry-like bread, not a crunchy, deep-fried greasy serving of drywall. Please don't despise "Indian Tacos" on this basis; I'd love to offer Indian Tacos again but with the PROPER bread: a non-greasy, sweet-tasting pillow! No need to gripe about it; I'm well aware already. Apologies especially to our overseas friend, who missed a chance to taste a real Native American delicacy. I'll ask people again to suggest their preferences for food types and dietary restrictions, and I'll incorporate all of that feedback into next year's menu, but remember that the menu is the product of YOUR collective input, "so speak up or forever hold your peace."
Conversation: This is a mistake I made. I was worried that if people thought they'd have to "open up" about hard topics, they would be afraid to come. So to prevent this, I advised people to actually AVOID such topics, to reduce the rick of triggers. My intent was to express the calm and peaceful environment of the retreat, differentiating it from a "therapy immersion weekend." Inadvertently, though, it had the unexpected effect of also stifling conversations about those topics when people actually WANTED to open up, because after all "Matt said we shouldn't." So I'll adjust my advice next year to welcome the open expression of those things, but with a cautious awareness of the risk, and the disclaimer that it is not required or expected of anyone. If people are simply reminded of the possible triggers and if they are assured that they will not be subjected to impromptu therapy, then anyone can feel free to express as much or as little as they would like.
Okay, now give me feedback. Remember that I'm very sentimental in my emotions about this retreat--it's my baby, my creation--but I also need to know what to tweak. I need nuts-and-bolts advice. Where you comfortable with Bill? Was it okay that he prayed for and hugged each of us? Was that awesome or awkward? Do you want Bill to be more of a speaker/educator, or more of a sharer/connector? Was I available enough for people who wanted to talk to me more deeply? We grew by seven people since 2009; can we grow by seven more in 2011? What helped you the most? I tried to stay out of the way and not emphasize myself at all: I didn't give a presentation, I didn't pray, I didn't make tons of speeches--I let Bill take the spotlight. Did you appreciate that I didn't do those thing, or should I have offered more of myself in those ways? I don't want humility to come off as detachment. Bill and I share the same empathic ability to "read" other survivors, but I carefully avoided doing so because I didn't want to come off heavy, I just wanted to be "fun Matt." I encouraged Bill to use his skills to connect like that instead. Was it helpful to have Bill as the "deeper" connection and me as the organizer and operator, or would you have liked for me to offer a more empathetic/compassionate connection as well?
Next year, the retreat really needs to be much more accomodating to those of us who are no longer exactly spring chickens. Perhaps having walkers on hand, and rocking chairs, would have made Leitha and I feel more welcomed. I know that I would have benefitted from an oxygen tank. The menu should offer suitable choices, such as bland foods soft enough for us to gum safely. And do we really need to be mocked by having our infirmities exaggerated? And why must we be subjected to grueling, impossible tests of our abilities to remember complex information and carry out complicated instructions -- and then "diagnosed" with dementia upon failing?
The ageism displayed at the retreat was shocking. I think you young whippersnappers need to shape up before next year.
I hope you realize I'm kidding...
I don't know if you get many UK peoples discussing with you hesitation about travelling so far alone..and it therefore prevents them coming. But if that is the case...I was thinking of holding a casual meet before the weekend, maybe a few months before. To discuss the retreat and put people at more ease. A familiar face always helps. If held early on then people can make a decision about going. So if you need a UK rep (as such lol)..im offering my services (said quickly before I get self doubt shot).
I wasn't there, obv, but I think the suggestion about conversations is a good idea. I know how much we all stick to rules for fear of upsetting someone or disappointing someone so we don't always get the implied "we can roll with it" and tend to stick religiously to "Matt (whomever) said we couldn't do it so I should stop"
I had mixed feelings about the "schedule". What I would have liked upon arriving is to be handed a "program" with exact times and descriptions of every activity. Then I would have been the anal-retentive clock-watcher, whining, "It's 11:01 and why aren't we getting started yet?"
I am so extremely thankful the retreat was not like that. It just flowed. Part of the time, I had no idea what was happening next or when it was happening. Meal times were shifted to better accomodated what was happening. We could spontaneously decide to watch the nonexistant clouds with Bill, and I never thought, "Dang, that's not on the program."
Here is the weird thing. Even though I got way, way too little sleep, the retreat was so extremely restful for me that I can't begin to describe it. I had no idea how exhausting "passing as normal" has been. The retreat was the first time in almost 40 long years that I didn't have to do that. I didn't have to hide the broken parts of me, or pretend anything.
Being able to let go of worrying about being on time or fitting into some structure -- that was like icing on the cake.
There was structure. It just never felt imposed or artificial. This may sound weird, but the structure and schedule felt organic to me, alive, flowing, and just what I needed.
Heptet, I think that would be fantastic. At least one other UK person will be coming next year, too!
Seriously though..I can make from April (need time to save) and have no plans as of yet during the year.
First of all, I just LOVE that we're already talking about 2011!!!!!! I wanted to SO badly but didn't want to be all "whoa nelly." (Do people really say that?) And is it bad that my favorite meal was the Indian taco's??? If that was bad, I'm prepared for a bit of heaven next year.
Ok, dates: I loved that time of year. I thought it was great, but I know it was hard for people who are in school, including me, although I won't be next year. I think a safer time for people would be immediately following the end of the semester. That's what... late May? But if no one else really cares and it was worth ti to them, I absolutely adored the weather and if it was soley my choice, I'd do it in early April again.
Scheduling: I REALLY appreciate you considering us late sleepers since every day Laura and I didn't rouse till 10 or even noon! Here's the thing... I have a really hard time falling asleep as it is and I don't think I'm the only one. One morning I didn't fall asleep until 0600 and that's after I had to finally drug myself. I was not upset, having bad dreams, but my nighttime anxiety got the best of me that night and I just couldn't do it. Open mornings were wonderful. I didn't feel like I missed too much (even though I wanted to spend every hour with everyone), but I still got some zzzzz's. So thank you for addressing that. I think maybe more organized activiites would be ok for those who want something to do with their hands while they gab, lol!!! Like the apples game. That was fun!! Schedule that for a certain time so people could come and go into that game but there is a time where we know people will be gathering. Then after that, it can be volleyball. When I felt like volleyball, it was just me, Laura, and River playing and quite frankly, Laura let me down. Stuff like that so there's "always something to do," but no pressure to do it. I know that's asking a lot as far as being a camp counselor, but if you just post the schedule like we're 13, we can handle it ourselves. We're responsible... kinda. Personally, I will continue to probably to play is fast and loose the whole time, but I can see how others may want stuff to do that's planned.
Food: I had no issues with the food. Thought it was great. Judy's cheese was a God-sent and she better represent next year as well (more whipping cheese please!!!) Maybe less candy. Definitely more soda and water, but the selections were spot-on. After we got over our walk-in freezer issues (yeah, you know who you are...) we helped ourselves. I know I made my personal best time from opening of door to running, grabbing soda, and running back before the door closed. I even did it at night when the light was off inside. Yes, I am aware there was a red switch right outside the door, but I didn't want to touch it. Red buttons mean bad things in the medical field!!
Conversation: I think just what you said on how to modify what the expectations are/were is perfect. Some people were afraid to talk some, but that can be rectified. And in the end, I think they did find sounding boards and it was ok.
Bill: Wow, a wonderful, wonderful man. I appreciate his talent as a musician, and if he wanted to play music for us, I will listen for as long as he'll play. I really enjoyed the circle, more serious atmosphere though cause it was very personal. It really let us see not only into him as a person, but what the song ITSELF really meant. I never would have realized what some of those had meant if he had not explained. It was very special. I know this is a time for him to heal too, and I'd love it if he thought of this place as a time for him to put down his entertainer mask and just play whats in his heart for people who get it. No more rows of chairs. Just circles. And next year I hope there are more clouds to look at :) As for the hugging, when I first saw him do that, I got that little flip flop, but by the time he made it around, you are so glad cause you don't forget a Bill Miller hug, lol. It's very sweet and he means every squeeze. You can tell. Sorry to be so mushy, but really, this weekend was just amazing.
Matt: Here's my chance to critique... love it. You need to impose yourself more!!! Invite yourself in on conversations! Walk up and sit down without being invited (not that you never did, don't get me wrong). I think people were more afraid of imposing themselves on you then you imposing themselves on them when it came to deep stuff. "Didn't wanna bug" kinda thing. But you have to be comfortable too... I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone when I say that we want this to be for you as well, and you shouldn't feel like you need your "life coach" (hehe) hat on all the time. That's kinda a hard one to answer actually.... phew! But as far as you and Bill "reading" people... sometimes it's nice to be "read." The not having to say it is part of what connects us all.
Lastly, I'd like to incorporate one part. Can I drive the Solara?
I'll let you drive the Solara if you take me into town and buy me Sonic.
Some of us may have overcome their walk-in fridge issues, but not me. Except, in a huge way, I did. Anywhere else, I would have kept my mouth shut, never asked anyone to get me a drink, and would have been willing to dehydrate rather than admit that walking into a fridge is impossible for me. When I asked people to grab me drinks, no one said, "Good grief! Grow up!" or "What is your problem?" or "Quit staring at the fridge like it's going to attack you."
That first morning when I tried to force myself to walk into the fridge, failed miserably, and asked for help -- and was treated as if this was the most ho-hum normal thing in the world -- I knew I'd come home to my tribe.
As for Bill Miller hugs, not great for a Brit, but thats why i'm paying for therapy right? Just wish I hadn't wasted so much money on the 'What happens if I don't get on with those brash Americans' discussions endlessly while fishing - seems like I am one already! (I even just ate chocolate and crisps (chips) for lunch !!), so I needn't have worried
I will buy you whatever you want at Sonic if I get to drive the Solara. Hell, I'd even be willing to drive around until we found a Chick fil A for Judy too. I'm such a good person for being willing to do that.... ;)
Beccs: Totally forgot about Megan's "passing as normal" thing! That's right.... we're awesome at "PANning"..
Personally, I love the lack of structure. I live in a structured world and that was great. I can see what you are saying. I could see a bit more of that. A real positive was the ability to come and go to activities as you like. Even if there is more structure, that flexibility for the attendees is a beautiful thing. I liked some of BurntSapphire's suggestions as regards to structure. Having times when things occur is a nice touch and maybe, some rooms with different activities like the game playing was nice or the bonfire.
Mixer- I did really need that. I welcome that. I would suggest having this both on Thursday and Friday. I arrived on Friday and I really needed that. This was already difficult for me to come to. I personally have difficulty in large group situations where people know each other. 2 mixers please!!
Food - I did not mind the meals or the breakfast and Lost Nights and I may figure out how to do some Jersey Bagels or something. I am going to be blunt, so I hope that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. We are at a women's healing retreat. We are supposed to be taking care of ourselves. I think that there was way too much junk food (I am all for some because I love it as much as anyone). However, we need fruit and vegetables. I would suggest apples, grapes, bananas, and oranges. They are easy to pick up and eat and are a healthy snack. Additionally, I would like to have seen some salads served with the meals. I think with regards to the sweat lodge such physical exertion of that level should have food available that provides for electrolyte replenishment. I would like to see some gatorade at the sweat lodge and some cut up bananas and oranges for potassium replenishment. Now, I did love the Indian tacos and the pizza was fine (it is just not Jersey pizza). I liked the eggs at breakfast and loved all of the Wisconsin food and the awesome homemade cookies.
I was not in a position to share my story and details so much. Your advice did not effect me. However, I was able to share and relate on topics that were related to this which was quite helpful. I think that if you just ask someone first if it is ok to share more, then it would be fine. Clearly, this is an environment where people understand and the rest of the world does not. Thank you for that gift.
Bill was awesome. I like how he was just who he was. I would not change that for anything. Hugging is awkward for me, but it is ok. I know that he sensed that I could not do much of that as I think that you did to.
Size - I started to panic when I read that. I have my room issue. I thought .. .oh no. I think that it is beautiful how intimate it is and how accommodating of people's issues like rooming or not. I think that it took me a few days to really meet everyone and at that, there are some that I wished that I spent more time with. I think that if it gets too large that it will loose some of its beauty. I am not sure what the right number is. You would require more structure if there are too many more people. 50 would be way too big. I think that the balance is having the ability to make accommodations for those that need it and keeping it intimate. I don't know what that number is. If you get too many, you will have to run multiple retreats... lol...
I realized that I do have issues with men and authority (oh, what a shock!!). Oddly enough, I went to school with men and worked in a career with mostly men. In a work situation, well, all I can say is that I hold my own quite well. However, as someone pointed out to me that I understand those rules of engagement. In this setting, that is quite difficult for me. I had a hard time connecting or speaking with you which I am sure that you know. I think that having some scheduled type of interaction with the group would be helpful.
It is your baby and it is wonderful. I think that I feel bad that I did not get to know you because of my issues.
Now, I gave a whole page of lots of feedback. In a prior life, I worked on getting customer feedback for office phones and then, turning that into requirements. Sooo... lol...
One last thing - I thought how great would it be to have something more locally. However, I realized that anonymity is really important to me. I also loved meeting all of the beautiful people from all over the country. I loved the cost and the accommodations. However, as I was in therapy today, it was beautiful to not be isolated anymore in something so isolating. It was important to just socialize. I hope that one day that you will be able to expand and go national or international :). I think that Oklahoma will be the spot for me. :)
Butterfly, I'm sorry your responsible post about nutrition was about too much for me to handle. Voices of reason... who knew we had any?????