Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
This year we'll begin transitioning the retreat away from a "healing retreat" to more of a "celebration gathering," based on feedback that I've gotten from you over the years now. I have one thing to bring up that I need honest input on.
I've been contacted by a mother and daughter who want to attend; the daughter is a teen who conceived a child following her rape a couple of years ago. The mother has asked whether they could also bring the child with them because he's part of the experience too, and mom thinks it would actually be very healing for the daughter to experience this kind of positive event. Mom (Grandmom, now) has said that she would take care of the grandson during activities so he would not be present during "our" time, not be underfoot. The mom/grandmom is pretty motivated to help for her daughter's sake.
I kinda see the reason for her asking this, and I don't have any personal concerns or issues, except to ask for your input too. What would you think of having this child there, given that the child would be kept away from our scheduled activities?
I've been contacted by a mother and daughter who want to attend; the daughter is a teen who conceived a child following her rape a couple of years ago. The mother has asked whether they could also bring the child with them because he's part of the experience too, and mom thinks it would actually be very healing for the daughter to experience this kind of positive event. Mom (Grandmom, now) has said that she would take care of the grandson during activities so he would not be present during "our" time, not be underfoot. The mom/grandmom is pretty motivated to help for her daughter's sake.
I kinda see the reason for her asking this, and I don't have any personal concerns or issues, except to ask for your input too. What would you think of having this child there, given that the child would be kept away from our scheduled activities?
Being the mom of a 15 yr old, I can attest to the fact that there is a lot more out there that they have learned from their friends and classmates that were not appropriate for discussion when we were that age. I think the teenager's mom deserves the benefit of the doubt as far as what her child will hear, and the child's maturity level.
Just my humble opinion.
Im all in. I wanna hold a baby.
For what it's worth, a community that has these values might even have to accept the possibility of making mistakes, too, in the effort to try to get things right. I don't know if you realize this or not, but what we're doing with this gathering already goes WAY, WAY beyond the frontier of what anyone else, anywhere, is even trying! You all are SO far ahead of the curve that "Survivors' Services" in the professional world can't even begin to imagine projects and successes like this--they think this is weird stuff because it's so outside-the-box. It's so many light years ahead of what the basic "rape-work" profession is doing that they can't even understand this stuff, and it intimidates them. So you all are pioneers. Give yourselves the slack to relax and accept the possibility of not having each and every detail absolutely right, guaranteed 100%, as you forge on. Whatever happens, this WILL be okay.
As to my kids, let me make a few points. I appreciate the mostly-positive comments about them, and I do think there is a special case in their situation because they're actually being raised all their lives as participants in this kind of work, to the degree appropriate for their ages. They're not just a couple of kids who bounced in the way. On the other hand, feelings about each of them are not necessarily feelings about ALL young people, so while I am interested in those comments as a father, they might not actually apply to helping with this issue as an organizer. R&C were properly separated from our activities, and appeared only when they were meant to be included: meal times and when someone sought them to talk or play. Frankly, Tonya and I are both in agreement that WE wish they didn't have to be there either, but we have no other options for four days. So reluctantly, the deal is that either we put up with them, or we don't have this event, because without my mom remaining home with them any longer we just don't have an alternative.
On a purely sentimental note, I'd like to share one thing. I've written about this before months ago, but it's worth repeating. In May, the only time River was present during an actual activity (other than the concert) was at the closing. I asked him later how he felt when he saw some of you cry. He thought for a while and then said, "Well, it made me feel bad that they had to cry because I wished nothing had ever happened that would have caused that. But I felt good for them that they cried, because I knew that they needed to. It was their way of letting things go out so that something good could come back in and take its place. So in a way, I felt happy for them because I knew they would be even better now." So blessings, not just adjustments, can also come from their inclusion.
I had a lot of issues surrounding being around children before may. I thought I was so broken and bad that I would infect innocent ones who got too close. It was healing for me to experience acceptance from a child.
Fair enough to not using the word incorrectly but I think we need to remember that PTSD affects us all differently too.
I plan to discuss it with Dr. Chandler. If he suggests it is a positive thing for me, no matter my fears, issues, and concerns, I will trust his opinion.
Had you led with "the child will be 8 months old in May" it still would not have made much difference to my reservations. I have too many issues with age-specific incidences in my life. More of them than I should, and I admit this. It is ME, and deficits in where I am in MY healing process. It is not a reflection on anyone here, or anyone else's views. You are all right, and so am I - based on ME, how I feel in this moment, knowing how my mind jumps and reacts IRRATIONALLY. You see, I know it isn't right, but, it is my reality on the moment. I have not always been this way, and I do not believe I will remain this way.
My heart breaks for this grandmother, with whom I can relate...as with the 151/2 year old...and even for that baby. It is a BABY, not a child. If we had known we were discussing an infant, some expressions may have been different. My fears remain my own, and unless Dr. Chandler tells me differently, then I will be stuck with them a while longer. My wise mind knows how to embrace another, my mind, where I end up...there is where my problems lie.
I am sorry if my words so early in this discussion were seemingly exclusive. I meant it about stepping aside, especially since there are other options, perhaps when I am in a better mental place, when I might be able to attend, even if the infant was to be there in the background. I'm sorry I am not where I need to be mentally or emotionally to just say, "Sure!".
As far as the mom being a teenager (I think someone mentioned a concern with that). Teens have been present at every retreat, even at the first retreat a young woman comet o the first retreat with her mom. Teenagers have fit in well and to be honest...none of us really act ourage at the retreat sooooo... ;)
(maybe I should just speak for myself about that :)
Judy, thanks for pointing out the baby's age now. I didn't thnk to do the math. My own grandchild is six weeks old, and I'm enjoying watching my daughter grow into motherhood. I can't imagine the jumble of intense emotions, the inner conflicts, that this young mother and her mother are coping with. Plus, that means the rape was only a year ago...
What do the other people in this young mom's life know about how this child was conceived? Think of all the asinine, hurtful things people have said to us about our rapes...or just the way they look at us. Think of the haven we found at the retreat. These two women and this little baby really need that haven. They need us.
Will it be easy? Love never is. It's messy and scary. But oh so worth it.
Again, thank you all for your help. I was very proud to relay your many diverse thoughts and feelings to her, and together you all did help with this outcome.