Okay before I begin, I just wanna say this is Kiko speaking because he's better at talking about this than I am. I'll explain who Kiko is in a few. So, it's honestly been a hectic week and not a good hectic.

So Kiko, he's...okay lemme start with the beginning. I journal, but I found that boring, so I thought, why not spice it up and create two characters, Mary and Kiko or MaryKiko (thanks to someone I know I got the name) Mary is my joyful side. She feminine and masculine and pretty much everything I strive to be. She keeps my head up and confident, but every good feeling has a negative one right? That's where Kiko comes in. He's my creepy side (I'm a big fan of horror shit, it's fun for me) but he's not just creepy, he's everything dark about me. My past, my depression and anxiety, everything dark. Now in my journal I write for them and to them how they feel, to keep my from going mad because sometimes I can just hear it if that makes sense. They argue a lot because they're polar opposites. The reason I'm doing this is to make Kiko less strong, and make Mary stronger. Kiko when he takes control over my emotions is very strong and it's hard for Mary to gain control, so we want to weaken him up and strengthen Mary at the same time so they're on the same field when they do argue. I was asked why am I doing this besides what I stated and I said, I don't want to feel alone. So going to that.

I feel, so incredibly alone. I don't want to talk to my mom about what I'm thinking because she'll put some sort of spiritual thing behind it, and blame other people emotions cling to me or whatever. And.....I...I do feel incredibly alone, even if I talk to my therapist about what I'm feeling. She said and this is a quote which really fucked me up and sent me through a loop "I don't think it's depression. Depression doesn't come one day and then leaves the next." Okay. News to me and it's been going on for a lot longer than a day. For Christ sake I stood at the side of a busy highway, crying because I felt like I didn't have a will to live. But when I want to mention my close calls with death...my throat clamps up because I was weak. And it's an uncomfortable topic (about as comfortable as talking about my rape) speaking of the rape, we'll continue.

(TW here) God I'm so damn frustrated and...and scared. My friends have noticed a slight change in my personality (I get unusually quiet and smile and laugh less. I also wear more hoodies to protect my body.) The reason is because when my brother raped me, it was near my birthday and my birthday is coming up at the end of this month and then...then his birthday a week after mine. Around this time I do start to dream about what happened. In the dream I'm back in that basement pinned to the couch, feeling an uncomfortable feeling of extreme violation as he took my innocence and tore through me. That dream is the reason I struggle to sleep at night especially in November and December. It's so unbearable. For Christ sake I fell asleep on my friends shoulder on the bus (where we live is like almost an hour from the school) and my friends he does skinship (it's just how he was raised half American and half Korean) so he was messing with my hair which does help me sleep (if it's not roughly pulled because then I go into a panic) and then he put his hand on my thigh, close enough to make me uncomfortable, but far enough that he wasn't anywhere near my private area. And I woke up in a cold sweat and shaking. He realised what he did and apologized profusely. I know he didn't mean it. He's like the most respectful dude I know. So then on the way home I wasn't on the bus I was in my dad's trunk (mentally, physically I was on the bus), his fingers entering me. I managed to walk off the bus, but the same friend I mentioned before was concerned. I only remember him asking if I was okay and then I shook my head. When we got off the bus, he held me for a good 10 minutes while I cried.  When I did calm down he looked me in the eyes and told me something I've never been told in my life "I know what your going through is hard. It sucks. It's horrifying and I'm still mad, but you've beaten this feeling once, you can do it again. Come to me when you need to." And I went home and yelled and screamed and cried. I was broken, absolutely broken. I did everything I could to reek havoc, and ended up spraining my thumb and wrist badly, so now both are in a wrap sort of thing which enables me to move my thumb and wrist. When I told my mom about my day, she got mad. But not at my dad and brother, no, she got mad....at me. She got mad that I was thinking that there's something other than a trauma thing. And that frustrates me. She says, oh, you can come to me and when all I wanna do is cry, I do. If I don't want to talk about it, she prys it from me, which is fairly annoying. 

Now the last thing that Kiko wants to talk about is, everything that's happened just in the last, few days. The new York terrorist attack, and the recent shooting in Texas as well as the whole issue with the sexual abuse allegations  with the actors. First, I want to say if you know anyone in new York or Texas I hope, I truly hope they're safe and if you live in those areas I hope your safe. Now for the rant, so sorry incase he says anything weird. How many attacks is are we going to take, before we figure something out, because just in the last few weeks, America has been attacked not once, not twice, but three times, since Vegas. THREE DAMN TIMES!! It's amazing and frustrating because we all agree we need a change, yet when it comes down to it we don't do shit. We shrug it off after a few weeks and wait for the next attack. I mean Jesus Christ, I fear my own life daily. The fact that I have a will at 17, says a lot. I don't have a lot, yet there on my desk us a damn will, a farewell letter to my friends and family. It saddens me, and I hope the victims families find some sort of comfort that the victims are in a better place, be it with God or a reincarnation or whatever. Now the whole issue with Kevin Spacey. It frustrates me that only when (and I'm not being sexist, I'm just stating how it seems) a male actor comes about his abuse do we start taking it seriously. Male actor after male actor come clean and say Kevin Spacey molested me, so on and so forth. I hope the victims find peace with getting the proper justice, but...what about us? What about the victims who don't get the justice, who's cases have closed and the perpetrator still runs amongst us. I feel pretty pathetic. I feel genuinely that what happened to me...is less valid. Maybe I'm being selfish and if I am, I don't care. It does frustrate me that I feel like what happened to me is less valid, that "it was a one time thing" quoted from the officer on my case. I just...I don't know what to expect.

Anyway sorry this is hella long, now I'm back to being me, not Kiko. So I wanna apologize again and say thanks for reading this if you did.

-shu