I'm starting to feel on edge and paranoid again. After going through recent discusions in this support group I've come across a few comments that have contained parts that were a bit too similar to things said by some very anti-male groups out there for my tastes.

I don't really think it is a gender thing. I don't think men should be beaten or raped. I don't think women should be beaten or raped. Period. It happens more often to women, which is why there are more women centered shelters/crisis centers. That doesn't mean that men who are raped or beaten should be mocked, or ridiculed. That is appalling. There are some men based resources in larger cities, if you or someone you know needed help that is the first place I would look. Even the rape crisis center I went to also counseled men. We even had a discussion to add him to our female support group, but he decided not to come. I do agree that resources need to be expanded for the male demographic, especially for the LGBTcommunity, which often faces violence.

As someone who is navigating the legal system as a victim of rape, I can say it isn't very victim friendly. My rapist was extremely violent and has 15 counts against him, and we will be lucky if he gets ten years. There is still a chance he will walk. In fact, only 8 out of 100 rapists will ever face a courtroom at all (RAINN).

I think the best thing we can do is try to end rape and domestic violence period. Through education and positive male role models I am hopeful it will happen someday. No one deserves to be hurt ever. All of us, men and women, we are in this together to end rape and domestic violence.

Gentle validation, Sleepy. Tough, tough subject with much passionate controversy. I am praying fervently that I can fortify your amazing courage in speaking out.

I strongly suspect far, far more than 2% of men have been raped. The victim blaming which gets thrown at female rape victims is banana cream pie compared to the victim blaming and profiling that gets thrown at a male rape victim. Young boys acting out are routinely terrorized with THE PROMISE of rape within the prison system. THE PROMISE as I have witnessed it is presented in far more terrifying bully fashion than any of the threatening promises thrown at me as a young girl in the 60s wanting to go to engineering school by my bi-sexual pedophile daddy and his buddies. So far as I can tell, all that has changed since my brother and I went for help together is that now the profilers have web sites and ankle bracelets.

And then there are the empowered female rapists, crusaders and vigilantes... Feminine rage is still a growth industry and we still do not even have the words to speak their new and improved acts... Are we still calling it progress?

Oops. Am I soap boxing again??? Sorry, Sleepy.

Sincere healing wishes to you. Gentle support and validation.

I don't appreciate the implication that men just need better role models in order to fix these issues. (One of the things I am so bothered by is how people keep taking these issues and talking about them as though the problem is entirely the responsibility of men while ignoring the matters of misandry further.)

The very same studies and sources cited by women's rights groups to support renewing the Violence Against Women Act each time it has to be voted on to renew actually show something very surprising. Despite the research being used to argue that men are significantly more prone to commit acts of domestic violence than women, the research papers cited actually say that it is evenly divided between which gender is prone to acts of domestic violence.

In other words: neither gender (at least in the US) is more likely than the other to be the aggresor in acts of violence.

Unfortunately, when men report being the victim of domestic violence we get ridiculed and written off in most cases.

Look at how it's depicted in tge media all the time. When the woman gets angry and hits a man (be it with her fists or objects, or by throwing things) it is laughed at and the man is seen as being at fault regardless of circumstance. Now try to imagine identical scenarios, but with the genders being reversed. Suddenly it's horribly unfunny because people now see the abuse/violence for what it is.

I think rape is underreported regardless of which gender is victim. men rape mena nd women; women rape men and women. i use rape as it is derived from latin (rapere: to seize, as to take, steal). that is what any sexual crime does to its victim. takes safety, selfhood, trust, hope, etc.... and leaves the victim wondering why no one seems to be upset but himself or herself.

one of the worst cases of the consequences of soceital denial I ever encountered was a man who was the victim of incest at hands of a female relative, aged ten onward. he was part of a rape survivor group online i belinged to about ten years ago. he had much sexual confusion and self loathing, and wound up unfortunately unable to handle it, and began assaulting women to "regain" his "selfhood"... which just perpetuated trauma. had he been able to go to someone as a kid, be believed, be counseled, and seen the perp go to jail? have the fam be on his side? all i know is, a lot of pain would have been eased, for him, for others.... So for me, an ideal world is one where we believe victims no matter what--- because they too should be treated as "innocent until proven guilty". sadly, not the state of affairs in the world.

i am gonna go out on a limb and say that one third of all women experience some sort of sexual assault, ranging from a grope on the subway on, and about a quarter of all men, ditto. and as feminist as i am, i will venture to say "sexual liberation" is not , wS not, and should not be about violence, vengeance, or "empowerment". just freedom to be hetero, LGBT, asexual, whatever. sadly, a few bad apples do give the whole barrel a real stink.

as for female rage being a growth industry... ummm... i was its victim in 1972, and my abuser was seven, so taht may be another one where reporting is the difference, rather than the actual occurrence. mind you, hte tales of my one aunt circa 1952 would turn your hair white, sp my dads fam could just warp my POV...

healing blessings, Sleepy, and all others.

I am sorry if I offended you. My main point is no one deserves to be hurt ever, and it takes a combined effort to end violence. Best wishes to you.

TW

I know this part of what I need to vent about may upset some members, but I need to get it off my chest for my own health. I don't mean to offend anyone.


I often hear/see women saying how the man-hating/abusing women (like the ones who have targeted me and many men) are just "a few bad apples".

To be honest I do not see how so many individuals could be considered just "a few". If they really are such a small percentage of modern feminists and women's rights activists then why are they being allowed to push so many misandrist laws and policies into being signed into law or made official?

Where are all the feminists and such that actually ARE about equality and fairness when these laws are being pushed and lobbied for and why do I never see or hear about these good feminists/activists arguing against unjust/misandrist laws and policies?

Whenever I see or hear people brush away the issue of misandrists who attack and abuse men like me as just being "a few bad apples" or only being a "tiny percentage" of modern feminists it hurts. It's painful and frustrating to have pain from an issue like this constantly invalidated and ignored, and to be forced to watch as those who claim to be against such injustices/inequality sit idly by and allow it to continue happening right in front of them.

I know that there are at least some women and modern femists out there who actively oppose and fight against misandry and these injustices, and I'm glad that there are at those few. However, I have mixed feelings about their efforts. While I am grateful for their attempts to help it also is depressing to see the ways in which these women are attacked by other women/feminists for daring to argue that misandry is wrong and should be stopped. Just look at the case of Erin Pizzey, who upon noticing the misandry issue and trying to fight it started getting death threats from other feminists and her dog was even killed in retaliation for her speaking out against misandry.

Continuing gentle validation, sleepy, but...

So far you have kept all this as generic as a political campaign. Dissociated?

Where is your personal connection?

This isn't so much about politics as it is about a social issue.

Where I fall into all of this is as a victim of decades of abuse nearly exlusively at the hands of women I have encountered thus far in life (including my mother, classmates, etc).

These abusers have been and continue to be allowed to do what they do with virtually no repercussions or any other opposition due to so much of society deeming their actions perfectly fine as long as it is abuse perpetrated by a female against a male.

On top of that I am upset that there are so many women's rights activists and feminists who push for various misandrist laws and policies that enable significantly worse forms of abuse (which regularly occurs thanks to the laws/policies they get passed) that use the legal system as a weapon against men like me and strip away any defences we should have against false accusations and abuse.

These unjust laws/policies are often used by abusive/manipulative women to abuse, coerce and manipulate men like me (and yes I HAVE had women pull this type of abuse against me).

It is terrifying to have such threats dangling over your head every waking second and it hurts in ways I cannot describe when most people brush those concerns away and/or accuse me of trying to make some kind of political argument if I complain about it.

For me, personally, it is the generic dissociation which makes it seem like a political (social, academic or pick-your-term) debate. When I attack all pedophiles with generic THEYisms, I am throwing up smoke screens and playing caped crusader. When I speak of my personal experiences with my siblings and the bi-sexual pedophile parents and their buddies, I am confronting my personal trauma in ways that can promote healing.

So I believe. Don't accuse me of expertise.

OT - My favorite definition of "EXPERT."
An "ex" is a has been and a "spurt" is a drip under pressure.

TW

The levels of pain I am in just trying to vent right now is indescribable. To say it is hellish would be an understatement. It is like having my mind violently jarred and shaken every few moments or seconds at times.

I have very little trust for any women I have met offline since so many have turned out to abusive in one way or another.

Do you know how decimating it is to a person's self worth and world view when all of their experiences in life have taught them that 90+% of the opposite sex is likely to hurt/abuse/use you for their own gain or amusement and that there is nothing you can do about it other than hide as much as you can?

Do you know what it's like to have members of the opposite sex threaten to make false sex based offense accusations against you (that you cannot defend yourself against due to laws/policies that effectively make you automatically guilty when you are a male and they can have their friends falsely testify against you) if you don't do this or that for them?

These are just some of the things I have faced in my life.

Despite how many women I see/hear say that only a tiny number of women in the activist groups many of these female abusers I have encountered claim to belong to are actually like that I have yet to meet any women who will tell me why little to nothing is done about the abusers by the supposed upstanding majority who are supposedly against the abusers.

Try to imagine how that comes across to someone in my position.

In my case I often find myself wondering whether or not there really are any women out there who WON'T try to abuse or use me if given half a chance. I often wonder whether any of the women who supposedly aren't abusive secretly are and are just lying about not being that way. It's not to think that way when you look around and see so many of the women who supposedly are against such abuse constantly turning a blind eye to it as though they're fine with it.


I've gotten to a point where when I'm not in the middle of nasty flashbacks to prior incidents or stuck disociating about possible scenarios I'm in a state of paranoia about possible risks around women when out in public.


I need to rest for a bit now. I'm getting too much on edge again.

Rest well, Sleepy. It is, indeed, emotionally charged subject matter.

I wrote you a big long post in response, then hit send and it all went away to some Z place. I'm sorry I can't write it all again. This gist of it was: Talk. Or write. Post or journal. Get it out. Many hugs.

I found out yesterday that one of my favorite professors in college passed away suddenly very recently due to a medical issue.

He was an amazing instructor, a great mentor and a good friend who helped me a ton back when I was working towards my degree. Unfortunately I was unable to attend his memorial service due to not finding out about it soon enough.

This is hitting me fairly hard, and that's in addition to everything else that's been going on with me. Now my emotions feel even more frayed than before. It also doesn't help that I don't have much in terms of available outlets to try to cope with all this other than online like this.

I'm feeling very drained now. Both mentally and physically.

I had hoped that venting about it would help, but I'm still feeling very tense.