I'm not sure there's anything that makes me crazier than the fear of looking crazy. . . I've been enjoying allot more serenity since I just accepted crazy as my normal condition. You only THINK I'm crazy? Well. . . Let me remove all doubt.

It's okay to sort your confusions here, Becca. Getting them out in the open makes it easier to sort the crazy from the keeper. We aren't here to judge. Just support.

Hope you get your okay day, despite the lingering side-effects of insomnia.

Thank you arfie. That first part actually made me laugh. That's been my "motto" since high school. And yes, it's ravaging to wonder if you seem crazy.

As far as sorting confusion, a lot of it probably has to do with working through the trauma. (I'm a nurse so I help other people do this regularly.) That however, would largely require talking about my trauma; something that would cause others trauma just from reading about it, so I don't want to do that. I just don't know how to discuss it without discussing it.

My cousin suggested I join a 12 step for ptsd last night. That's how I found this site. I wonder if anyone has any experience with something like this or not?

Yes, the freedom to talk about the trauma is a critical part of sorting. The general gee in this forum is to add a "TW" (Trigger Warning) to the titles of posts which contain graphic material. That way, anyone who is FF (Feeling Fragile) knows to leave that one be.

On the support group end, I started psychotherapy back when combat PTSD was still being called, "Shell Shock." Alanon has been the most consistent thread in my own psychotherapy. As PTSD has become a household word, I've participated in speculation that Alanon just might be the oldest PTSD support network on the planet. A growing number of members have the official dx in their portfolios.

But 12 step groups are far from the only options. They rarely inspire unity, but I get quite allot out of workshops.

I grew up in AA. My dad had PTSD, undiagnosed, when it was called "shell shock". My initial diagnosis is based on his untreated diagnosis. Back then he said they were encouraged to go to meetings for help, so that's what he did, and he took us with him. I've been looking into Alanon also.

Thank you for explaining the abbreviations. I was wondering about that. Although I'm not sure how to even judge if what I'm writing would need to be dubbed *TW* or not.

I just have such a hard time sometimes explaining what's going on in my head and in me to people who don't have any idea how to understand it. My dad understands, of course, but he's one of my triggers a lot of times. He knows it and uses it to fuck with me when he's feeling like it so that's not always the best idea. Plus, he doesn't want to hear about any of the other trauma I've dealt with and doesn't really want to even acknowledge the trauma we were saturated with growing up because he wasn't treated.

I was reading some of the step work for the PTSD 12 steps and there are things in there that are different from any other program, that I can relate to. One of the big ones is dealing with outright rage, which I can totally relate to. I get that often. I never really act on it unless it's verbally, but I can feel it all the time, literally eating away at me from the inside trying to get out. I can visualize things that most people can't or don't. The ONLY time I feel free from it is when we shoot and I guess that's because I'm in control with a weapon so I know that I'm not vulnerable.

Also, sorry if my posts are a little crazy. Getting thoughts out of my head that make sense is difficult for me. I'm a shrinks dream...Compounded/Complex Severe PTSD, ADD/ADHD, MDD, Severe Anxiety, Mild OCD, Insomnia. Needless to say, it doesn't always come out smoothly. Sorry for that.