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Aloha. I know I vented some of this on the fibro board but I wanted some of your opinions here too. Plus I can do a better venting here since this place seems more appropriate.
My mom has a long history of codependency... on and off with different family members, my deceased abusive father, misc abusive friendships, and so on. She seems to latch on to the closest person to her at that time or whoever pays her a little bit of attention, positive or negative attention.
Right now, that person is ME. She moved back in with me and my husband (out of an assisted living center) in Nov and she doesn't give me any space. She copycats everything I do... if she sees me make scrambled eggs and sliced papaya, then she has to make scrambled eggs and papaya. If I put peppers and mushrooms, so will she. And if I eat on the porch she has to join me. If I say I want to go on a trip, she wants to go too. I read a PTSD book, now she's been demanding to read my book? She needs to get her own because I wrote notes in there. If I say I have a headache, she'll say she has one too. Anyway, I feel suffocated by her.
She has a senior transportation system that picks her up for appointments and certain errands... but she's been cancelling them at the last minute so much that they are threating to cancel servicing her. And when she cancels them, she expects ME (or as a secondary, my husband) to chauffeur her around, and gets angry with us when we refuse. So basically, she's abusing their service AND our kindness. We decided to show her the bus route along the main street in our town and offered to give her rides to and from the bus route. So far she isn't taking it too well and accused us of punishing her.
There IS a senior center and she can get transportation to there.... problem is, she'll sign up for say 5 of their programs for the month and then end up cancelling 4 of them (all last minute). Her reason? Not feeling very social. I know she has depression. But I also know she gets clingy -clingy to the house and clingy to me. She needs other people to hang around... I can't be the source of her entertainment, constant companion, counselor, best friend, chauffeur, and so on. It's just too suffocating.
I think what amplifies the suffocation for me... is that my husband doesn't want to have anything to do with it or me or her, MOST days (not always, but mostly). Right now, other than his part time summer job, his teachin job is off for the summer... BUT normally when he gets off work he stays out at the beach past dinner. And on the weekends he's off somewhere I don't know where, just escaping. My chronic pain isn't his problem and neither are my mom's problems. I'm usually left to deal with my issues and my mom's issues pretty much ALONE.
My mom wants to be around me 24/7... I want my space from her, and spend some time with my husband (at least one day a week)... and my husband wants his space from me. What a screwed up life this is. At the minimum: 1. I need to talk to my mom's counselor again about her behavior. 2. I need to talk to our marriage counselor and tell her the homework she gave us of date night 1x / week isn't happening. :(
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
You've got all my sympathy, but I have no answers. I would never have made it a week living with my mother.
We're buddies now, but ... Yeah. Safe distance. That' sall I got, and it ain't even my own advice. Cred to Al-Anon for that.
And that applies to emotional leeches as well as classic co-deps, etc. Mom drives me nuts, but in the ways most moms drive daughters nuts now. Not "ER visit for anxiety attack" nuts. Just "Oh FFS, Mom!" nuts.
I'll join the choir on the "Love from a safe distance" refrain. Letting somebody hurt you, regardless of circumstances, in not an act of love. Be honest with your own needs and availabilities.
i almost can't breathe typing this right now - but this is important. TW so, anyway - where you are now is reminding me a lot of how it was when my mom was living with me. my mom was mean. we had a dynamic that i haven't seen yet in your relationship - at least i haven't read it yet.
there is a lot here that rings too true though.
what we decided, after so many years of hurting, was that the only healthy way to live was in different places.
i wonder if there isn't an assisted living place for mom somewhere nearby?
I would let her know when the bus is coming and let her know if she cancels that you won't be taking her.... I would tell her that you need space and time for yourself and stick to it.... The situation will change I think when you change
There is also a Caring for Aging Parents board on here that may be a help to you
I know how hard this is.... I took care of both of my parents in their later years.... It's one of the hardest things that we can ever do..... Big hug for you and a blessing.....xo
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/caring-for-aging-parents
Me:
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/discussion/dysfunctional-family-to-family-of-choice?page=2
silverlight:
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/discussion/tw-but-you-let-him-abuse-you
The tough thing about shaking copendency is that at one time it worked, so it's hard to give it up. In my case, my family got through being missionaries in a combat zone being copendent. That's how we became that way--under fire, we only had each other. So we built walls against the outside world of war, and dissolved boundaries with each other. That went awry, of course, when we all got combat PTSD. Then without any boundaries with each other we turned on each other badly.
Still, my family's convinced that codependency was battle-tested for us, so they just would not give it up. I therefore broke off contact when I turned 30 so I could go make my way in the world. Once I did, I checked in at 42 to take care of them in their old age retirement, like you want to take care of your mom. I got my mom through breast cancer during that time. My dad was still violent, though, so I had to go my own way again 7 years ago, telling my little sister to step up and care for take her turn caring for them now. She is.
I think assisted living is your best solution. As Leo said I was reminded of Alanon's notion of "love from a safe distance." Alanon's just about the gold standard group on codependency, it seems to me, so that's good advice. Assisted living, yes.
Thanks, Suncloud, I will check out the group :)
Thanks for sharing your stories Muji and LillyPotter. I've been looking after my mom on and off my whole life. Even while I was in the Marines I had to drive several states over to go get her because she messed up her leg, couldn't work and fell behind on rent, brought her back to my duty station and put her in a little apartment. I got in a lot of trouble for what I did. My brothers don't know how to handle her and she always ends up back in my care.
that person was a huge help for my family; my mom still talks to her sometimes.
Stop giving in and letting her ruin your life! She's your mom, but she is really intruding upon your life. You know this and you are not putting down your foot.
Look at it this way. Even if you were with get all the time and did everything she wanted would that satisfy her? No, right? Her life is for the most part her responsibility and not yours. You are allowing to destroy yours and your relationship. And for what? It still won't make her happy or solve anything. Then focus in you. Help her in dosages.
When you said that you had to care for your mom dating back to when you were states away in the Marines, I realized I had took care of my mom going back to when I was 10 years old, too. A gall bladder operation that year took up 5 years of attention following with her complaining of complications. Clinically, they weren't gall bladder complications, in our case they were codependency complications, really.
Fast forward to retirement age and her doctor said something about brittle bones and the need to take calcium. My mom turned that into a report she repeated for years that she'd been told she'd "broken her neck." She'd actually tell us that with a straight face.
I love my mom, but she's too much. I hope you get some help managing yours.