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Suffocating (co-dependency)

BlueSky
BlueSky

Aloha. I know I vented some of this on the fibro board but I wanted some of your opinions here too. Plus I can do a better venting here since this place seems more appropriate. 

My mom has a long history of codependency... on and off with different family members, my deceased abusive father, misc abusive friendships, and so on. She seems to latch on to the closest person to her at that time or whoever pays her a little bit of attention, positive or negative attention. 


Right now, that person is ME. She moved back in with me and my husband (out of an assisted living center) in Nov and she doesn't give me any space. She copycats everything I do... if she sees me make scrambled eggs and sliced papaya, then she has to make scrambled eggs and papaya. If I put peppers and mushrooms, so will she. And if I eat on the porch she has to join me. If I say I want to go on a trip, she wants to go too. I read a PTSD book, now she's been demanding to read my book? She needs to get her own because I wrote notes in there. If I say I have a headache, she'll say she has one too. Anyway, I feel suffocated by her.

She has a senior transportation system that picks her up for appointments and certain errands... but she's been cancelling them at the last minute so much that they are threating to cancel servicing her. And when she cancels them, she expects ME (or as a secondary, my husband) to chauffeur her around, and gets angry with us when we refuse. So basically, she's abusing their service AND our kindness. We decided to show her the bus route along the main street in our town and offered to give her rides to and from the bus route. So far she isn't taking it too well and accused us of punishing her. 

There IS a senior center and she can get transportation to there.... problem is, she'll sign up for say 5 of their programs for the month and then end up cancelling 4 of them (all last minute). Her reason? Not feeling very social. I know she has depression. But I also know she gets clingy -clingy to the house and clingy to me. She needs other people to hang around... I can't be the source of her entertainment, constant companion, counselor, best friend, chauffeur, and so on. It's just too suffocating. 

I think what amplifies the suffocation for me... is that my husband doesn't want to have anything to do with it or me or her, MOST days (not always, but mostly). Right now, other than his part time summer job, his teachin job is off for the summer... BUT normally when he gets off work he stays out at the beach past dinner. And on the weekends he's off somewhere I don't know where, just escaping. My chronic pain isn't his problem and neither are my mom's problems. I'm usually left to deal with my issues and my mom's issues pretty much ALONE. 

My mom wants to be around me 24/7... I want my space from her, and spend some time with my husband (at least one day a week)... and my husband wants his space from me. What a screwed up life this is. At the minimum: 1. I need to talk to my mom's counselor again about her behavior. 2. I need to talk to our marriage counselor and tell her the homework she gave us of date night 1x / week isn't happening. :( 

donnawanda
donnawanda
You seem like such a nice person. I really hope you have some support in setting those boundaries. It's so hard to do, especially with mothers, who have easy access to all our guilt buttons. I wish your husband could be there for you around this, helping and supporting you in setting those boundaries, reassuring you when the guilt rises up. Do you have a therapist who could support you?
Novembergirl1950
Novembergirl1950
I think the only way you are going to manage this is to put her back in assisted living or hire a professional caregiver during daytime hours.. You cannot go on living this way, you have to take care of yourself, You first. You are not strong enough to change her, you can't change her and in her present state of mind, she can't change. She needs the care you cannot give her. You are not a professional caregiver and she needs one. Get your freedom back and be good to yourself and most of all remind yourself this is not your fault, you are doing the best you can for her. Sending you ((( comfort hugs ))) !!!
BlueSky
BlueSky
Muji, your mom and my mom sound the same. Always over dramatizing her health and emotions for attention. Lately mom's been talking about spending all her money to buy plane tickets to go see her grandkids, her brother, and the rest of her kids (fly around the mainland US). I asked her why... she said she feels like she's dying and wants to go on a goodbye tour? Seriously. -_-

Suncloud, I do see a social worker 1x / month... I will ask her again for some advice about mom.

Thanks, Photonut... I have touched on it a couple of times in our couples counseling sessions. But I don't think we went into it.... maybe we should.
BlueSky
BlueSky
DW and November, thank you so much for the support :). I have looked into getting in-house care to come out, but during the interview my mom told them she was fine and didn't need any help (she was off her walker, bathed herself, etc) so she did not qualify. She did have a social worker who used to come out on-call, but then she was referred to someone who didn't make house calls. I do have a PTSD therapist... and I've only briefly mentioned anything about my mother during our last session. But I see him tomorrow and was thinking of bringing it up again.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I would ask about respite care..... That's a holiday for the caregiver.... If she wants to go and visit other family that's a great idea regardless of the reason I would encourage other family members to be involved and let her go either via bus or plane ....
In Canada we can have respite care covered for 2 week periods twice a year so your loved one would go into some kind of facility for those 2 weeks and you'd have some time just for you.... She may want to refuse it if she's covered however I'd let her know that you and your husband need to get away for a holiday or some time for yourselves .......xo
BlueSky
BlueSky
We live in Hawaii, you can only take a plane and it's very expensive (I looked into the tickets she wants, not counting food or hotel). I think that's the only thing I was worried about, that she would use all her money and end up broke half way through the trip. I don't mind her going to visit one destination (2 way trip), but I don't think she has enough to go on a vacation spree and end up stuck somewhere (that's just asking for all kinds of trouble). Even worse if she's in a depressed state of mind and thinks she's dying. There's no telling what people might do in that condition. For example, one time when she went broke she moved in with a cross gang related person out of desperation (instead of moving in with my aunt). And then that person kidnapped her, my mom was missing for 3 months. Just to give you an example of some of the past troubles my mother has gotten herself into.

I encourage her to go visit someone, it's healthy for her, but keep it within reason. Not go all bonkers and end up in trouble... then I'll be the ONE to have to bail her out. Because nobody else does. Always ME. I get sick of it (but I think she expects it and is used to falling back on my help).
lilmissy7
lilmissy7
Sending you support Blue. I hope something goes good in your favor. You most certainly deserve it.
Gentle hugs
Novembergirl1950
Novembergirl1950
BlueSky ~ Have you considered going to court and making yourself her conservator? That would mean you would make all the decisions for her legally. This way she would not have any say-so over her care. My sister did that for my mother while in dementia. In the case where she told the caseworker she could take care of herself, you could have stepped in and told a different story and took control over the conversation to set the story straight to get your mother daytime help. Here, where I live, alot of the tenants have conservators. Just something to think about, if not now, in the future this may be something that you need to do to keep her safe.
Community LeaderLeo
Leo
Blue, continued support. Everyone knows it broke my heart to boot my mom, but without that? I'd be in the sticky amber muck of her *wanting* the co=-dep. Well, yeah, that worked for her. Not so much for *me*. Tough to know what's best, but .... Puma purrs to you.
LillyPotter
LillyPotter
more very gentle support from me too, Blue. this stuff is difficult no matter which way you step. it is.
Muskoka007
Muskoka007
I didn't read the other responses, so I hope I am not repeating, but what you are going through would drive me nuts with your Mom. Plus not fair to you and your husband to go through this. I would really look for a place for your Mom, it is too much for you two. Your commitment is to your marriage first, that is my opinion.
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