Gentle support, Sleepy. Healing hopes coming at you.

What have you been doing for the efforts to keep yourself "together and grounded?"

A gentle share of my personal experience??? Some odd years ago, my venting was always in the form of social crusading. Full of theyisms and certainty of what other folks ought to be doing. That style of venting was incredibly exhausting and only sent me further down my PTSD abyss. My venting became more medicinal when I started keeping it strictly personal and trusting the rest of the world to know what is best for their individual selves. Just saying. Take it or leave it.

But I do hope you will accept my hopes for your healing, whichever route you pursue for yourself.

SW, I can't beat Jen's reply above. That's a lot how I am.... venting somehow fills the car with more clowns, and I'm stuck in the effing circus for-freaking-ever (it seems).

And I totally agree that if you have someone to talk to who already knows the "story"? That's best for me, too. I have a new therapist and having to rehash and re-explain is the *worst* for me.

I know we've had our disagreements, SW, because we're from different points of view on some issues--- but that doesn't change the fact that when it comes to your PTSD? Here for you 100 percent, hoping to be helpful.

You describe it so well. When my grip on things slips and flashbacks and PTSD stuff just overtakes me slowly, it feels like you say. I especially related to that word "disorientation." And when it happens like a train wreck but in slow motion, it is just so weird not to be able to stop it. Sorry the venting hasn't helped, but I can say I got better from my own recent episode of this, though that process was slow, too. It is exhausting to keep functioning with this ebb and flow going on inside. Much support to you, SW.

@arfie:

I've been doing all sorts of things to try to keep myself grounded.
I've tried grounding exercises I've looked up (like focusing on describing in your head the details of everything you do). I've also tried journaling, reading, watching TV, listening to music, listening to audio books, trying to think about happy things, looking up humorous things online, and playing various types of video games.


@51percent:

I've discussed the matter of getting treatment in pretty thorough detail a few times in this group in the past, but I'll go ahead and try to summarize it here.

The short version is that:
- I am unable to afford treatment of any kind at this time.
- The state I live in is extremely lacking in available programs to assist people who need help getting/affording treatment.
- There are only a few professionals within driving distance of me who accept my insurance, are trained in treating the issues I'm dealing with, are male, and do a sliding scale payment. (Unfortunately various factors make even these prices prohibitively expensive for me given my current income.)
- Due to safety reasons I am unable to let family/friends find out about me getting/seeking treatment.
- Until I am able to afford to move out and into a place of my own, it would be virtually impossible for me to begin getting treatment without family/friends finding out.


There aren't really any people in my life that know my whole story that I can turn to for support in person. I tried that pretty early on and found that even the people I considered close friends just gave up when saying things like "cheer up" didn't magically fix things.

Keep experimenting, Sleepy. The grounding techniques and coping tools that will work for you can be hard to recognize at first try because, 1) effective use of any tool requires practice and 2) the sheer quantity available tools and theories can keep us too distracted with random experimentation to accomplish the needed practice.

Gentle support while you sort, Sleepy.

I had an awful time when John first passed. I had no insurence or means to pay for awhile. Fighting with the state was more than I could do for me. I did it for him, but that drained me after the months of battles, I would rather have jumped off a bridge then face them after that. I found so many suggestions here, kept following the lincs from one page to the next for hours each day. Saving what made sense and what looked like it might later? then I went into full on self exploration of myself. Yeah that hurt. In some of my earlier journals here and on my computer, I explored the concepts and got some very helpful advice in the topic posts. Those here were so patient with me while I learned.

Facing what I did to make myself a target... those admissions hurt the most. I knew that others hurting me was almost expected, so I had a very well developed ability to people please.

Thinking that if I did the best I had for them, they would not hurt me. Well that only works if you are surrounded by Angels, not so good with anything less. Also that I always put myself last on everything if I even put me on the list.
Also hiding my conditions and emotional dungeons, only kept me in them. Others that might care ...well they are not mind readers, they sometimes need guidance to just be a listener, not try to fix what is not fixable. Just having some listen to what was upsetting to me or if I was triggered helped so much, validation, finally.

Sorry this could go into a book. But, even without resources, but the net and some self honesty, lots of tears for what I could never release before... I am still here. I was finally able to find a PTSD therapist that I am still seeing because I know I need her. I am worth it.

We are here, as they were here for me.
Gentle hugs ,
Jewells

After some reading I see you are in college, you might try the councilors there. At my Community college they are free with tuition, They may lead you to some talking groups? Another resource? The theater group, it will help you learn to speak up, then later use the techniques to speak up for you to the family.

It's so hard when there is a person with a diagnosed person in the home/family and your parents just can't find the time or heart to deal with the one they named "normal". It's really a validation issue, to have them see you as struggling too.

Off to the books for me.
J.

Jut adding more supportive vibes.
Gentle gentle gentle support.

@Jewells:

In the nearly 30 years I've been dealing with these issues in one form or another I've had plenty of time to explore myself and study relevant information. I even took relevant psychology and sociology courses in college to learn as much as I could.

What it all boiled down to in the end was that being introverted and suffering the effects of trauma made me a target to many people around me in life (and for whatever reason it seems thatvit had been almost exclusively girls/women that have targeted me). Some of them have even flat out told me that it is in fact those traits that make many of them feel inclined to give me cruel labels in order to "justify" the abuse. Whether or not those particular individuals only said things like that to abuse me doesn't concern me anymore. More than enough of the research I've done has supported the claims.


It also doesn't help much that I'm a male who recieved his trauma from many years of abuse by girls/women. For whatever reason much of the world seems to become incredibly hostile towards any man who complains about or even mentions being in such a situation. I can't even mention it on DS without someone eventually dismissing it as things like "social crusading" or generalizing just for explaining HOW my abusers abused me.

What hurts even more is that it's typically female members who dismiss it like that too, so it becomes unclear to me if it's somehow due to communications issues or if it's just more crazymaking from abusers.

I've only found one group on DS that focuses on the typecsystematic abuse that I've gone through in life, and even that group isn't able to provide the level of support/comfort I need. At best they are able to remind me that there are other people in similar situations.


The levels of stress and anxiety I am dealing with on a daily basis due to my issues are so high they give me more physical issues in addition to the psychological ones. A notable example of this is how the stress/anxiety cause me to experience diarrhea at the same time every morning, but only on the days of the week I experience the most stress on (generally excludes days off). It also causes me bladder issues where (while outside the relative comfort of home) I often end up needing to urinate every half hour to an hour (unless I get really lucky in being able to distract myself). I can't drink less water to reduce the problem though since I've had two kidney stones in the past decade (the most recent one was half an inch in diameter) and I need to drink several bottles of water daily to keep my kidneys healthy. Again, this issue only occurs during times of increased stress/anxiety (such as going to appointments, work or college courses).

On top of that, a few years back I even experienced what I was told was likely a mild stroke (called a "micro stroke" I think). This happened around the time of a particularly stressful/nasty incident involving an abuser threatening to make false accusations against me in college. I don't recall the timeline clearly enough to remember which occurred first though, but I strongly suspect the abuse incident did.


As for treatment services on campus, that venue had already been looked into. Unfortunately their hours are not compatible with mine. I am required to stay enrolled in a certain number of courses each semester to keep my job at the college I attend. I also have to work as many hours as I am legally allowed to just in order to earn enough yearly income to qualify for my insurance policy. The state I live in refused to expand medicaid and is at capacity for it, so if I lose the insurance I have then I'll have no insurance at all.

In regards to talking to my family about any of these issues of mine, that just isn't something that would be safe to do. My mother has been one of my primary abusers since I was little, and confronting her about her issues or the mental health issues of other family members has not gone well in the past. Bringing my own issues to my family's attention would not go very well due to this (plus she has even threatened to my face to have a complete breakdown or lose it if she ever finds out I'm having any issues). This type of drama would likely set off another family member as well.

Perhaps someday they'll be able to handle a discussion about my issues and possibly even offer support of some kind, but that day seems like it could be a little ways off. For now though it is probably better/safer to avoid instigating in such a major way an abuser I currently still live with.

Am I one of the folks who "dismissed" your issues as social crusading, Sleepy? I am quite sure I at least dropped hints to that effect in at least one of your threads.

Not dropping any such hints at this post, my courageous one. These sound like the personal wounds of the real man. Healing is an extremely personal journey. May the journey set you free.

SW, I tend to come off hardline, and for that I apologize. I was born introverted, and my main abuser was my sis, not just my dad. but the idea she could be a "bad guy" has been hard even for my thrapists to always accept. I am allowed to see dad as damaged abuser, but ai was pushed hard to see my sis as damaged covictim. Welll, that may be true, but to me she was not in it with me,... she was in it to hurt me.

I have also encountered some men who, having encountered a setback in love or divorce or life, decide that all womn are in a conspiracy against all men.... and that is, of course, as absurd as the opposite (all men are conspiring to harm all women). In some if not most IMHO it is misplaced anger, man or woman, and they overgeneralize.... and in some, they repeat past mistakes, seeking what is familiar even if it is hurtful (again, applies to men or women), and therby confirm their prior experiences.

So... it is not unheard of for women to be abusers, i can affirm tht, and i am sickened when people say, oh but my sis and i argued too. Well, mine started to hurt me when i was 2 years old. She was 7. not much argument possible, IMO.

So if i have ever come across as "only men are abusers and women are victims" i apologize. I do crusade dor equal legal treatment, but that is because of the cases where... as is occurring where i live... some prevention by way of stronger investigation could stop predators from escalating. Colleges terrify me, frankly, for the way they sweep stuff under rugs, no matter what it is.

i truly do mean to offer you support in your search for support. ai may not be the person to talk to... but know that i wish you only wellness and peace of mind.

SW, I know all too well how this abuse can go both ways, male or female. It's why I toss a coin on some days. I have members of the family( both male) that did opt out of this life. Some days it's real hard to disagree with that idea, but it is getting easier.

Your basic description of life, sounds very familiar, so I am sorry if you took any offense, or there was a misunderstanding.I am very aware that abuse, physical and emotional is not gender specific. I assume that you are here, so you are validated buy any amount you share.

Kinda like we are on Mars , so we must be Martian.
gentle hugs,
J

I know not all women are abusers and/or "out to get me", but at times it can be very difficult to not feel that way. Especially when the overwhelming majority of girls/women I've encountered in my life have either been cruel/abusive, defended the abusers, or simply stood by and acted oblivious to it all. The ones who haven't been like that have been few and far between.


Back when I first started finally reaching out for help I remember coming across the occasional blog or online article discussing guys who faced or were facing similar types and levelscof abuse at tge hands of random women in their lives. Reading their stories helped me to accept and understand that the abuse I have experienced wasn't just "all in my head", and that it isn't just me that this happens to.

I even came across one or two blogs/articles where a woman who witnessed a man being subjected to this kind of abuse wrote about how shocked and appalled she was by what she witnessed. Not just by the level of animosity/cruelty of the abuse, but also by the retribution when/if the guy spoke up, tried to defend himself or complained about the abuse.

When I saw these stories it helped me to see that somewhere out there there are at least some women who are not only against such abuse, but will actually speak up and talk about how it is not acceptable for women to abuse men as though it were perfectly okay and not face consequences.

Unfortunately it seems like people like that are kind of rare. At least where I'm from anyways.

Hi , I'm rare.

I have personally witnessed women battering their husbands, Sleepy. Brutally, with weapons, leaving damage in need of surgical repair. I have yet to succeed in getting these husbands to speak out. They fear the HUGE cultural stigma attached. I believe it is a far greater stigma than battered women have to face. It goes beyond just "victim blaming."

But... I will wager that you already know this.

Steering away from my own caped crusader addictions and getting back to to the strictly personal, my most sincere goal is to validate your pain and applaud your courage. Let that truth out of jail. You are doing great!!!

Damn, I still miss watching my spiffy cape snap in the wind while I imagine the world being awed by my powers to leap social injustice in a single bound!!! I look great in tights, even at 60. As long as the tights are thick enough to hide the varicose veins... Sigh...