Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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New Funk

FilmGirl
FilmGirl

Hi everyone, 


It's been a while. That's because I was feeling better and I didn't think I needed to participate anymore. I always catch myself doing that, when I am no longer in a PTSD funk, I convince myself I'm fine and do my best to forget all about it, when really I'm lying to myself and burying my true emotions. I've been doing that my whole life, I guess that's the whole point of PTSD...


Anyway, I've officially entered a new funk and it's because of an event that happened last Friday... I was going on a camping trip with my boyfriend and some friends. My boyfriend and I went to the nearby grocery store to get food. While there, I saw an employee who looked incredibly similar to one of my abusers (one of five). It's been six years since I have seen him and I have never seen anyone look so much like him, it really freaked me out. I froze up, my brain started to freak out, and I went straight into dissociation; my body was like a lifeless shell and I was trapped inside it, screaming to hide or get out. 


I figured I was fine a few days later, but today I have finally accepted that I'm not fine. I'm currently at work and I am having the hardest time focusing, I keep dissociating (pretty much becoming a zombie) and while logically I know I need to get to work and focus, I can't do it. I can't seem to make myself do anything. And, I don't know if this is the same for anyone else, but I had a fairly good self esteem before my PTSD hit me. I was funny, loud, friendly, confident, outgoing, and a wild child. But then my PTSD hit me my senior year of high school and completely destroyed me. Ever since I have been a silent, socially anxious, terrified, self-loathing individual and I hate it. Well, during my PTSD-free time period, I was starting to feel great with my new job, I was feeling comfortable with my coworkers, feeling proud of my work, and right now... I feel like I am good for nothing, all I do is make mistakes, I aggravate my superivisor, and am absolutely terrified that I will be fired (even though I haven't done anything worth firing me for, it's just my anxiety).


Anyway, I'm so sorry that this is a long post. I just really needed to let these emotions out because I don't know what to do and I don't want to keep feeling like this, even in waves. I want to be able to conquer my PTSD and not be terrified of bumping into an abuser every time I leave the house. And I want to get myself back, return to my happy-go-lucky, outgoing, wild self. 

arfie
arfie
Rambling allowed, FilmGirl. Even if nobody reads the whole ramble, it still helps with the sorting process. Ramble as much or as little as needed.

If you managed to reach out before you started self-sabotaging at work, etc., I'd say with all the authority a fellow patient deserves that you are using this forum well. We are here for you. whenever the need presents and still sending hopes and support when you are busy having a life.

Hope you get back to your usual self soon. Gentle support while you reach for it.
JustKeepClimbing
JustKeepClimbing
I identify a lot with things you feel in this post. I find myself being really critical when I feel that I've "taken a step back" in my healing...but some times are less triggering and difficult than others so I'm not sure it's necessarily "getting worse". I think the fact that you could accept that this huge trigger was giving you difficulties just days later is a big accomplishment! You show so much insight in your post. I hope you start feeling better soon as well.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Yup, it doesn't take much for a trigger to bring us down low with our PTSD, does it, FilmGirl. Folks without PTSD experience often don't understand, but it's a familiar story for those who've gone through the same experience. The good news is that you'll feel bright and competent again, too. Then down the road, you may see another person out there somewhere who reminds you yet again of your abuser, it may trigger you again, and you may be here again telling the same story once more. If that happens, please don't get down on yourself, that's just PTSD for you, and we understand and are here to support you through every down period you may experience. As arfie said, we are here for you.
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