I feel the same way about God. I feel like he punishes all the wrong people and that nothing is fair. I just want everything to be equal for everyone and it's not. Everything seems backwards to me. I don't know if he is good or bad. People say is not angry or bad, but in the bible it states otherwise. Then later it will completely go against what it just said, so I don't know. The bible is full of contradictions. It is actually more the bible that pisses me off than anything else lol. Because I can't trust one fucking thing that is says. It even says in there that are men are suppose to legit sell their children and wives for sex. What? And that if you are raped it is a sin. Nice. It seems totally against the victim for everything actually. It pisses me off.

Sorry for that rant... but yeah. I feel like he is to blame sometimes too, just because I don't know what to think. And I feel that it is unfair and unjust. Sometimes I get so paranoid that he is going to purposely do horrible things to me lol. I just don't know.

I want to try to offer a piece of my story -- NOT to steal your show, but -- with luck -- to empathize.

I was born with crappy eyes. One of the treatments for one of the problems was ... about 6.5 years of using eye drops that -- as it turns out -- burned my corneas. It's big-time painful ... all the time.

I was also born with a primary immune dysfunction, meaning ... I get sick ... a LOT.

When I was declared disabled (2004), I began to tell myself that my life ... was like a treacherous climb up a steep, ice-covered mountain.

Wearing tennis shoes.

The ONLY thing that mattered was ... DON'T FALL.

Just ... don't ... fall.

And, in 2009, began the abuse that led me to my C-PTSD, took my health, took my house, took my marriage, and took my money.

These people took my legs out from under me, and ... I began a years-long fall down that icy mountain.

Now, I may have finally stopped sliding, banging off of rocks, crashing into trees, and .... can "appreciate" how fucked I am, and how broken I am.

I have ab-so-LUTE-ly no idea what I'll be able to do next, or ... even ... if I'll be able to get out of my shitty little hotel room.

For me ... God doesn't enter the picture. I can't make sense of all of that. I can't get my head around all the easy answers to the complex questions. That's me, though, and I would never take faith from another person.

I wish I could "simply" get my physical health back, right now. I used to run, hike, bike, and ski ... as much as I could.

I used to have a "heavy bag" hanging in the basement.

When anger and anxiety hit, I had ways of bleeding it off, safely and productively.

Not now.

My wife got a rescue puppy. He's got a lot of anxiety. It's VERY obvious that -- for HIM to be calm -- he needs to be worked/exercised ... a LOT.

I wish I could still access those coping mechanisms.

I wonder ... can you ?

By the way ... more than a few studies showed significant additional relief from pain and anxiety by letting loose with a bunch of profanity, so ... I say ... what the fuck ? ;-)

I wish you peace, health, and strength.

I like that figure of speech also. I use it to describe the places my CPTSD has taken me too many times and I just can't seem to "Get Past IT."

I think I have made strides by turning the figure of speech into a meditation image. Sketching the image - or some other expression of IT has helped, but far from necessary.

Psalm 77 is an excellent meditation for IT. May you learn all that and more...

Hugs. Healing happens. IT can happen to us.

I am currently struggling with my perception of what God is. I do believe that God created free will and if he/she interfered with how human beings lead their lives and all the sickness and all, then we would not have free will. I do have a conception of an all powerful God who can fix things and make them not happen. I would like to have an image of God being around for support, to talk to and yell at and whatever about what is going on in my life and to feel heard. I know there was a lot of stuff in the bible that showed God talking to people and all sorts of miracles and such. I think a lot of that is stuff that we understand differently today. For example, God giving rain to the crops of people who are faithful. Today we know there is a scientific reason for rain, and earthquakes, and other natural disasters. There is a reason for much of our bad health with all the pollution humans have created. I don't think we see these things as miracles while people of ancient times may have.

In any case, I just can't get off of this idea that God should have made sure the abuse I suffered didn't happen to me, or the Holocaust shouldn't have happened, and everything else bad in this world. I sure want him to fix things. But that image of him just doesn't help me at all. It gives me some sort of image to question and be furious at and blame, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I am trying to create a feeling that does work for me.

I also think that maybe God works through angels that have helped me along the way. For example, I have had some therapists that have helped me through some really really really tough times and helped me move forward. I consider them angels somehow there for me through God caring for me. It's not a Jewish notion and I am Jewish, but that does seem to be where I can give credit. I had a teacher in high school that I would talk to daily and sometimes even call, and I don't think I'd have made it through High School without her. These people have appeared in my life just when I needed them, and I don't think that is sheer coincidence.

So, I will keep trying to figure out how to think of God differently and in a way that will help me. If I could get past the all powerful, judgmental idea of God, and of a God there to fix everything, I think that would help. I also think that God destroyed everyone when it was Noah's Ark time and again wanted to around Sodom and Gemorrah. I can't say I have read all the words in the bible, but I have a feeling at the point where God is talking to Abraham saying that he will not destroy these areas if there are 10 good people and then 5 and so on, that God will no longer destroy the world if things get too bad. He made us and expects us to fix our own selves.

I don't know that that helps you at all, but it is something I am puzzling with right now.

I have had times that I was angry with God. More like furious, angry swearing and crying at Him and demanding answers. I felt like it was a pretty normal reaction considering this is His creation.

I go through periods of swearing too. A friend pointed it out to me a few years back. Now I notice I say the mother f-er word a lot when I am anxious, fearful and angry.

Hugs to you Kat.
Violet

Wow. That was incredibly profound my friend. It could have come from my own pen. Endure my friend, help is on the way

I hear you about not knowing gentleness. The way I grew up, in a war zone, gentleness was unknown. And my family chose to live there because for generations there had been none in their families, either.

I've imported gentleness into my life from other sources. Sounds corny, but music, poetry (like "do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light"), film--stuff like that has given me an idea of what gentle looks like. And then I literally "aped" it. Recovering alcoholics call it "fake it 'til you make it." And in time some gentleness came to me from the outside in.

For those of us not given the gift of gentle lives, I think it has to be intentional. You really seem to want it, so here I'm sharing what I don't know and yet have done about it so far. Sorry if it seems to be too little, but it's gotten me through even though I wish I had more of it. Really rooting for you!

OK - lots of great input here.

But, the very first thing that came to me is - me, the 49 year old woman, totally believes in God - I don't understand the why's and hate the 'what's' that the 'why's' pertain to . . and all I can get is that He was always with me through the 'what' (abuse). And, all I can do with much of that is well, because of what I've gone through, I understand what others are going to go through (likewise, those ahead of me already have gone through . . )

Where I am going, however, is I realized there is a part of me that is around 8 years old that doesn't believe in God - doesn't believe His word is true. She was so loud, arguing everything I read one day, that I finally got it - I was hearing a part of me.

So, now, when I struggle with unbelief, I consider if it is that 8 year old . . . and I need life to settle the fuck down so I can get back to listening, loving, making sure my little me feels safe.

Once again, thanks for how you helped me deal with my conflict at work today, so many wishes for gentle peace to you!

A lot of (lengthy) responses. Very unexpected.

Lovelittle- I agree a lot with your perspective on God. Everything does seem backwards and it doesnt seem fair for anyone to go through or be treated for the wrong they have dealt with. Although, one thing about the Bible that you mentioned is how it contradicts itself. I dont have a solid foundation on everything in the Bible neither is my knowledge, but maybe you may need to differentiate the Old Testament from the New. The Old Testament is a lot of historical stories and truths and commandments, also things that were done before Christ was born. The New Testament was and is more of the present and future times. It is confusing sometimes but, we are not experts of the Bible. Some things we just dont understand. Otherwise, i do believe your rant is justified.

David- Wow. You have/had a lot more to deal with. Our stories dont compare and I dont want to, but my life- this year- has/ is the tumbling rock. I think it eventually has exploded and finally come to the realization that life for me is f-ed up and broken. I dont know where to pinpoint, although I may have an idea, where things started to crumble and fall apart. But I understand your position of God in your life and it's cool to know you dont judge or take away from others the sense and belief of faith.

God, has always somehow been incorporated in and around my life. Now, I come to know that God is still there; I just dont know how to build or maintain or sustain something solid as a relationship with Him or others. Some things that you mentioned to let out the anxiety and/or stress, I can't reach to it since they cost money and that is not what I have, right now. Right now, support groups like these and researching and reading and praying has been sorts of comfort for me.

Stella- You are right on point. You couldnt have said it any better than me. I believe in a God who is all-knowing and capable of doing anything, but my shortcomings and my distortion in faith in Him has changed everything. A lot of what you said is right on the story of Abraham and the sacrifice, Sodom and Gomorrah, miracles made in the past. Our perception on God and life in general is distorted because of what we have been through. We try so hard not to make our past, our present. Yet, is it my fault? Is it my fault because of what we have faced and been through, we lack solid faith and trust in Him and the world around us? Does our past experiences justify us? Most importantly, does it make us wrong to do so? I think the isolation and detachment from the world makes it more solid to feel the way we do, but I understand your point of view. Thank you for sharing it.

Violet and Steve- lately, I have been swearing secretly to myself. It doesnt make the guilt or shame go away but it just expresses the anger. I know trauma makes it difficult for us to express ourselves, but then I think, does God get mad because we swear? Also, I know a lot of the anger and guilt comes from the bitterness we've experienced. Steve, thank you.

Mujica- You and I have something in common, but it really is not uncommon for all PTSD sufferers/survivors. Gentleness is not a gift given to everyone; it is made. For people like us who dont know the spirit of gentleness, it is a fight everyday. Thank you for the support.Btw, you are welcome.

Dbpalm- I don't understand. Let me get this straight: you see yourself from two different perspectives- the 8 yr old you and the 49 yr old you, which is the current. I think that the 49 yr old version of you is much more clearer than your 8. I dont know if I am making sense, but what I mean is that, your current you understands more meanwhile your 8 fights a lot more to understand.

FindingKat,

I've been thinking about you. I like how you took the time to respond person by person--thanks for including me. You wrote to me, "Gentleness is not a gift given to everyone; it is made. For people like us who dont know the spirit of gentleness, it is a fight everyday." Well said. Keep up the fight. I'm in your corner like you've been in mine.

CC, thank you. Most of these responses were long. I wanted to reach out. I haven't had a lot of ppl, think of me and i don't want to mean to sound wrong or needy. Its been a rough couple of days....

This is a great and wonderful thread. I want to thank you for writing it.

I have some major PTSD issues and all that I can say is that I literally have to work through them. I came to work today crying quite violently, but I went and put cold water on my face and I am stronger than I was.

My signature red face was there when I was on the elevator and some indians looked at me. I once told one of them that I had listened to the Gita. I know that I am rajistic (angry) and that I follow many passions. I am having to re-schedule an appointment with the doctor for the fourth time because my husband says that there isn't money.

I have had a lot of sexual abuse as a child and have had many bad relationships, bad marriages, bad miscarriages, etc. and my life is currently a living hell, but I am learning this-

If you can cry it out and then compose yourself and go about your business, you get stronger. Actually, the ones who cry aren't really weak, they just don't realize how strong they are.

That's my two cents. Hi. I'm 4myson744/

Music also helps. It provides feedback and it doesn't cost anything. You get a whole bunch of music burned on your work computer and just listen all day long as you work. It blocks out other idiots and it keeps you focused on your job.

I don't know what types of therapy deal with PTSD because my therapists have never dealt much with my PTSD, except one long ago. I don't know if DBT is added to the picture for the PSTD and C-PTSD.

Somehow, I've got the Norah Jones one a loop so that it plays over and over--the "Peace" song-"Peace is for everyone." I love it.

As for antipsychotics, I am sure that they work, but I don't like them. Currnelty, I am on mood stabilizers, klonapin and I sometimes use Benadryl.

Work with your therapist about maybe doing some excersizes that can clarify your issues.

Let me read the psalm 77.

2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.

Yes, I felt exactly this way this morning. My husband has thyroid issues and has some breathing or respitory infection and he won't do anything about it and then the house is falling apart and it seems so disorganized that it is getting beyond my ability to clean it.

All that I can say is to do put one foot in front of the other. If you can afford seeing a therapist twice a week, then do it.

Uhm...let me see........God...........

I guess that God is with us in the storm but I believe that God set up a system and bad things still happen.......that's all that I can really "grock" of that, although I have been pretty religious as of late...........