Well, hylie, I totally disagree with the need to get rid of those dreams. I understand the logic, but it never worked for me. I have never seen it work for anybody without ripping out the heart and destroying the spirit.

But... Harsh realities do dictate... Life is as life is, not as we would have it be.

What works for me is adapting the dream to fit my realities. I dreamed of academic accomplishments that ran me over like a freight train when I reached for them again and again. The last time was when I was 54. I adapted my dreams of academic accomplishments to a love of learning. I learn what I can when I can.

I could go on, but I think that would mainly be co-opting. This thread is about your dreams, not mine. Please don't give up dreaming, hylie. Don't get rid of them. Modify them to something you CAN do. There is something for everyone.

I won't worry, but I reserve the right to care.

Gentle Hugs To You!!!!!!!

What happened to set you on this negative thought trend?

Can you please tell us about your situation ten years ago and now? What is the same and what has changed?

Ten years ago I was sick, physically.
I have got a DX and 2 surgeries, I thought I'd feel better. I divorced my emotionally abusive ex, I thought I'd feel better...

Made changes, did a lot of work, lost a lot of weight...still tired, still very unhappy.
Eventually you stop beating your head against the wall.
Time to accept.

And what about all the children inside, the children you are nurturing, who are safe and healing now? Why have you left them out of the story?

What set you off? What are you reacting to?

We don't experience life as safe.

We're still coming to grips with the idea that it won't ever be safe to move in with a romantic partner.
We have to live alone and we are not terribly well-equipped to do that. We get very lonely very easily. But we have no armor against someone we love.
Our ex was not terribly emotionally abusive, but we are uniquely vulnerable to that.

I was trying to tell some other 40- something person to be content with what they were capable of. That did not go well at all.

Sweetheart, you are still very much in a healing process. You're not done yet, you can't draw any conclusions. I do not believe you will end up alone - you have a powerful will to love. You will find your strength and you will find that tender, protective person you can feel safe with. I want to say more but too sleepy to be clear. Tomorrow ....

We are profoundly unhappy with the little we can manage to do. We are profoundly unhappy living alone, but can't trust someone that much anymore.

I think dreams are really vital but they don't all fit. For example, I LOVE the idea of tiny homes - people who can live in 300 square feet - that fascinates me. But it doesn't make sense for me. But I still love looking at those homes. It's fun.

And some dreams have to be adjusted. I love the idea of being an athlete but I do have some limitations. So whenever I do yoga or aqua therapy I envision myself as a real athlete enjoying what my body CAN do. And I watch other athletes do their thing and it's so inspiring.

But I think when we tell ourselves "I'll never get better" that it begins to make us think that way - and that's far more damaging than dreams. So many people are told by doctors "it's all in your head" and they keep looking and find an answer.

That happened to me recently - I learned I have a gene mutation in the MTHFR gene that is causing ALL of my problems (apart from the trauma) - anxiety, depression, auto-immune disease, arthritis, IBS, migraines - and I've heard so often "There's nothing wrong with you."

I heard that SO often in fact, and felt so crappy that I told my kids I want them to put "I told you I was sick" on my headstone!

Now that I have a solution my entire life is changing. I've been sick my whole life so this is all brand new. I can do pretty much anything I want health-wise now. Had I accepted that nothing would change, I would've stopped looking for answers.

If you want to be inspired, here's a great video that I watch whenever I feel stuck:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448

As a tiny business owner, let me tell you that you are more likely to be able to run a small business than you think.

I make medieval armor, custom chainmail items, drinking horns, leather tankers, and other misc stuff. This is stuff I can make at my speed, in my house, in my own time when I am feeling up to it. Then I get to go to fun places and offer it up for sale. We go to conventions, Renaissance Faires, and even small medieval events. In three years of actually working my business, I only went to two events where I did not pull a profit. Just working weekends one summer, I make 10k in profit - and if I had had more product made, I could have sold more.

Can I make a living at it? Um, actually hubby and I are planning to make a try of it not this year but next. We are trading our mold filled house for an RV to cut costs and plan to go from convention to convention to Faire to Faire and see if we can't make a living at it.

I started this business with less than $5,000. A business license for a tiny business like mine is around $20... you might be surprised what you can make and sell.

yadlim and critters

I will always be alone, because it's not safe to live with someone.
I learned this from my ex.
She was able to do my head in very effectively because I could not get away from her.

I'm not happy alone though. I just want to sleep so I don't stay awake to feel the loneliness gnawing at my chest.
I sleep because I'm in pain, you see. Not physical pain.

I hate being alone, it feels like death. But I can't live with anyone. So I think my task here is to endure a life that will not get better.

Dreams are often symbolic. Do you mean daydreams or sleep dreams?

Hylie, I actually got sleep and rest last night, so I missed all of this, I am sorry. But.... so much of what you mention is like my own life (no kids, scared of being close with others, no dream house, no MD in my case, and farewell to my old athletic self since my 2011 accident....

And I did have a business of my own. I quit. It wore me the he** out and that was before the accident. Now? Forget it.

I don't have kids. I have godkids. And I never have the fear that my neuroses or failed dreams would become *their* problem, as happened to me with my dad. Dear God, I'm so glad now I didn't have kids. Repeating even the least of that pattern? *shudder*

I could go on... but the point for me is...

Dreams themselves aren't dangerous. It's how we handle the fact that dreams don't come true. OK. They don't. I pushed on the kids, trying ot "make" it true---and nearly killed myself, my marriage, b/c I really should not be pregnant, they weren't kidding when they told me that.

It was a heck of a wake-up call....

I see so many people---sometimes friends, sometimes strangers---so wrapped up in what the dream is and how life doesn't match the dream---that they miss what life is. What life really has in front of them. One friend of mine was so obsessed about having kids we actually feared she'd kidnap someone else's!

Maybe go ahead and grieve for the "nevers", but please, don't forget to make *new* dreams....

THat's the thing. There's always another goal to try to achieve. By design or accident, pun intended since I never thought walking without canes would be a goal of mine, but hey, life threw that at me, and I had to catch it or.... and I didn't want ot know what came after "or"....

It's not getting rid of dreams, for me. IT's replacing them. No kids? That's the one I can't quite ever stop grieving. But the rest? They're part of who I am/was---and the new dreams are part of who I am/will be. Did that make sense? If not, I apologize.

Just know we're here, and we care.

I'm not going to deny the grief of not having kids if you want them, but I'll tell you, there's nothing worse than having those precious children and then finding you've screwed them up because you weren't up to the job. I have never experienced anything more excruciating than that.

The rest of your dreams could well come true, or other things could happen that are better than what you planned for yourself. And there can be other children in your life, children you have the distance from to really be there for them in unique and priceless ways. Mentoring, volunteering, perhaps more .... and then there are your brother's babies who will have a fantastic aunt.

I get the impression you are just feeling horribly lonely and fearing that it will always be like this. I don't believe that. I can't imagine that. Some people are fine alone and some people are better off alone - but you are not one of them. You are only part way through your healing process and there's no reason why you shouldn't find someone, or find it within yourself to be with someone.

I'm not a religious person, but I'm going to actually advise you to pray for what you want. You cannot foresee what the future will bring and you shouldn't doubt the creative imagination of the Divine. I would never in a million years have been able to imagine my husband - he's so unlike anyone else I've ever met and anyone I imagined for myself. This man doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, which is practically weird and unnatural, but there it is. I believe it was my yearning for love, learning TO LOVE as much as to be loved, that drew him to me. And I believe the same will happen for you. I have such confusion about spiritual matters, yet I urge you to pray hard on what you want and need .... it seems to work, oddly enough.

I realize it's a matter of safety for you. That's why I mentioned my husband's lack of malice - I feel safe with him. You can find that special person for you too. And you can learn to say 'no' to behaviors that are damaging to you. Have you made any efforts in that direction in therapy yet? Maybe that's something that you thought would happen on its own, and maybe it's not. Maybe it's something you need to learn, like a reflex that you have develop. Of course you are capable of that!

Speaking of "never," I never argue with things like all the things you list you'll never do. Who am I to say differently? There are harsh realities with accepting a chronic illness. With PTSD and CKD, now I have 2 of them. Oh, great.

I never argue with how a suicidal person feels. I just argue for postponement in case something unforeseen happens. Maybe something good, for a change. I have a friend who's been postponing his suicide at my suggestion now for 23 years. Despite all, good things have happened in the interim.

Many of my dreams are gone, too. We'll compare lists some time. I know what a bummer it is. Big ones, gone. I left tenure at a university to go to seminary, earn a master's degree, and do some good as a pastor. Was a pastor for one whole year, then POOF, dream gone. I'm still paying off the seminary loans working now at a community college for a lot less money than I earned in the job I had before seminary. Never will have kids now, lost my marriage, too, and went bankrupt. House gone, POOF. Just paid off my credit cards for the first time after that in June.


In 2010, after being diagnosed as bipolar since 1995 and spending huge money on bipolar meds, 3 doctors got together and said, oops. No, you have PTSD only, instead. No cure for that either. But that's not the bad news. Bad news, is you now have Chronic Kidney disease and are headed for dialysis and then transplant or death. And you're going to be fat now as long as you DO live. You're going to have pain from neuropathy every time your feet touch the ground. Next patient, please. (Rimshot in background).

I've literally had as many losses as Job in the Bible since the year 2000, without exaggeration. Ended up in a psych ward strapped to a gurney naked shot up with Haldol on suicide watch because of it.

And then things I never dreamed of happen, like the trip I'm about to take to my Uruguayan homeland with my undergraduate college roommate, class of 1979. Since I've had to divorce my abusive family--another big loss--having him there with me is the closest thing to family I've got. I never thought he'd go from the USA all the way to Uruguay with me. What a friend.

Glad I didn't kill myself before THAT happened. Here's to postponing the end, because sometimes good things in life happen, too, in spite of all. Good things I couldn't have dreamed of.