Is it possible to be just one idealized slice of the human spectrum? All humans are walking contradictions, partly truth and partly fiction, taking every wrong direction on our lonely ways back home. (Kris Kristofferson, paraphrased)

In Arf World, both recovery and marriage are messy, guessy propositions. While compartmentalizing has limits, it still helps me to keep my marriage and my recovery as separate as possible. But that is me. . .

Keep sorting, Carol. Your own answers are in there.

You're right, so many things play a roll in why you feel the way you feel. I echo arfie and saying to keep working your work in progress and you will get to better place.

i do know that song and it is depressing, i wonder if you always feel this way about him, or just when you are at the low points.

when i hit a rock bottom grazing patch, and my wife was still alive then, my unhealthy mind, my depressed mind, also led me to feelings of needing to be more myself.

I actually moved out of our home and leased an apartment. she helped me move of course. and three weeks later, I moved I back home and she helped me move back too.

the point being, your feelings are your feelings and you have to explore them and even acknowledge them and give them breath sometimes in order to grow past them.

anywho, triple hugs and hope you find your way soon to better feelings and better days~

I don't think it's just when I am at low points, but this has been a constant low point for quite a while. I'd been wondering that about him for months when I heard the song for the first time. He's lied to me about a lot of things. He seems to be more on the honest side now but I wonder if that's me being naive. He has me feeling stuck at home but he's pressuring me to make more money quickly. I can't make more money if I can only work on the weekends. It feels like he wants me in this box for some reason and what other reason would it be? Other than the fact that I'm less of myself in here and he likes it that way...

Codependency? Just just-a-patient wondering. . .

Where are you in this, Carol?

A two part response, my name is not Carol. It’s weird to keep seeing that. I didn’t think my screen name through very well. Carol is part of my daughters name but it’s also my moms name so it’s very weird to be addressed as Carol

I don’t know why it cut off my response

Codependency arfie mentions here was my issue, and it was forgivable and understandable given my dysfunctional family of origin. Because it was all I knew, I got in the same kind of marriage twice in a row with the eventual same result of divorce for each.

I decided to deal with my PTSD in therapy and by joining a support group, which was great and long over due. However, the second spouse committed adultery scheduling her affair meetings at the time of my face to face support group meetings every week.

That woke me up to the need for boundaries in my relationships and to face codependency in addition to PTSD in my therapy.

Sorry. Thank you for making that information available.

What should we call you? Could you sign your post with your preferred name to avoid future offense?

I’m not sure about the codependency thing. It feels like I don’t have any other options when he says no. Usually I find other options anyways and I’m working on it but being a working mom with no childcare is quite the undertaking. I would say our relationship is absolutely unhealthy but whether we enable each other I don’t know....it’s hard to see that when you’re in the middle of it

I just saw your message about my name. Maybe just call me Lady. I’ll sign my posts Lady if I remember

-Lady

Name preferences count, Lady. and I hope you can forgive my damaged memory when I forget and other forum members when they fail to intuit. From "CarloliziesMamma" to "Lady" is quite a leap of intuition.

You might want to consider looking into codependency thing, but it remains yours to sort. Unsupported parenthood and career are indeed allot to sort, all by themselves. I don't know any marriages which have made it through that one without a few burns and scrapes.

Keep sorting, Lady. Your answers are in there. Gentle support while you sort.

There are various groups of womens functions, or maybe something you loved to do when you were on your own, I liked going to a movie, even just a library or book store, etc. Make time for you only, even if it is just a few hours. Get your partner involved with understanding that for you to feel better you need some 'Me' time, to re-focus. You have to have this in life I think to keep in touch with yourself and the things you love. Just because we may be in a relationship with someone does not mean we give that part of ourself we are up. We don't have to loose the person we were that attracted the partner we have, the person we were initially was the person they were interested in. Sure we evolve doing things together as a team, and that's good too. So...even if your breast feeding, pump, bottles in the fridge, get partner to sit, or get a trusted sitter for a few hours and go do your thing.

Haha. I wish. We tried that but I work now. He did actually tell me I can Go anywhere I want and join the Bible study but he makes asking permission such a chore....will he be home in time, does it interfere with something he wants to do, can he be home a little late and me still go? Maybe I shouldn’t go c he isn’t sure when he will be home - then he gets him several hours before and I just leave but it’s such an exhausting process I tend to do one thing a week. For the last several months that has been church. Last week I added CR. I’m trying that again this week. He doesn’t give her enough fluids while I’m gone and she’s not happy with him. He doesn’t interact with her much so I hate leaving her, but I have to sometimes. I’m encouraged to work Saturdays and when our moms are available to babysit, which is rarely ever....the new thing is no childcare....I asked if I could go meet a friend without the baby and he said I should just take her....I will. But that’s my life. I’m always on. My me time is after he goes to bed.

Hi Lady so sorry to hear your depressed, but it's going to happen. your husband is controlling your every move. it definitely is codependency. He needs you , he controls you. By making sure you can't go anywhere without your baby. then you have no life. You need that, your always a mom, but mom's needs breaks too.
If he controls your every move then that's no good. You need to get so independency. Go to church without him, don't ask him. Is there a daycare at your church so baby is taken care of and you can revive your spirit. Another thing is find a trust worth babysitter so you get me time. Everyone needs that. he has to realize your not going to wait for his every move. I was in a relation ship like that. I was very independent when I started, but slowly , all my friends, and places I used to go for enjoyment got taken away. Until I only did what he wanted. It wasn't easy to break free.
You need to speak with a counsellor or Psychologist and they can help you get yin control of your life. so that your happy , and independent again. By being independent you will be a better mother, and your relationship with friends will return. you didn't do anything wrong , it sounds like he took over your life slowly. well were all here for you when you want to talk. Take care gentle hugs Casey.

Thanks Casey. I do go to church without him. It was hard to go st first and I took our daughter with me. Eventually I got comfortable enough to put her in childcare. She loves it. I joined a life group and the length of time there became too long for her. She will only sleep in her bed. So I go without her now. That was upsetting to him at first but he got used to it. We’ve been seeing a marriage counselor and especially this lady weekend he’s been ridiculously nice....hasn’t been this nice since we got married. He even initiated a relationship conversation today which has literally never happened. He asked how I think our marriage is going and says he thinks it’s better. He’s told me I’m able to go to whatever I want, join the Bible study or go with friends but he still rolls his eyes and I can visibly see he’s uncomfortable with some things I do. He holds his breath and then responds kindly....and then there’s the fact that I’ve told him what I need in the marriage - I need a voice. I’ve said I’d i dont want to do something I shouldn’t be made to do it. If I tell him to stop and he keeps going that’s not ok.
TW

Considering being physical he’s backed off, because I’m comfortable telling him specifically that he can’t put his hands on me like that but when he’s in the mood and I’m not, “stop” is not enough. I have to get up with an excuse or comply. He isn’t violent if I refuse. He’s just mad, makes me feel guilty, he’s passive aggressive and it’s not forgiven/is harder to say no the next time. And telling him later that that wasn’t ok is not something I’ve done. I thought this was my issue, that it was from ptsd. I didn’t even realize it was wrong until I started talking in this group.

Then we saw our marriage counselor today and I talked to him alone first and explained....he said I need clearer boundaries with him and that I need to confront the issue so he knows that’s not ok. Why should any man not know this? That you can grab your wife and make her feel like she doesn’t have a choice in what happens to her body, when she moves your hands and says not now and you just keep going- when she says stop and you say sit stillbplease and she says no you sit still, stop, I don’t want to....those sound like pretty clear boundary words to me.

I have had to fight for my boundaries in every area of life with him. It’s why I sought out counseling because he makes me feel like a terrible communicator. He uses gaslighting, tells me I’m sensitive, dramatic and talks to me through our daughter. I’m confused about whether this is recurring, transferring or if he’s capable of changing. Right now things are much healthier - outside of the bedroom - and I don’t know if it’s an act or if he’s trying. I can tolerate what is for now. Going to wait and see. If his behaviors return I’ll take options a b and c. They say not to confront someone who’s abusive like this. If his behaviors don’t return I think it’s safe to be more vocal about what’s happening.....he will probably get mad and tell me I’m sensitive and overreacting but he changed habits before. Maybe he will change this also. If not, he can find a new wife. My body is mine.