Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Today, I am not setting a goal. Today I feel that if I set a goal, my brain will hijack me from it, as it so often does. I can reach basic daily goals like work. But, when it comes to fun - I am lethargic and in bed, instead of enjoying my semi-retired life.
I have little or no energy left to fight this battle against PTSD. I have little energy left to "manage" it. I am 68. I am grieving the losses that PTSD gouged and forced into my life. I grieve the losses that I suffered as a result of child and adolescent abuse. I am grieving not having found love. I am grieving not having a home of my own, and living in a rented room after all of my years of hard work, and taking the right steps. I have spent so much money on therapy that did not bring healing from this awful illness. That was one of my goals, to heal from PTSD. I learned a lot of tools to "manage" it, but the lethargy haunts me still, after 56 years, and the adrenal burn out because of the abuses exhausts me.
This is where I am at today, and I know its not pretty. I used to be able to "do" something about it, but today I am stuck - in bed, watching happy things on Netflix. This is what I wanted to do: visit my grandchildren, go for a walk. But I can't move.
Also, I need to pack up my meager belongings and move. Housing costs where I live are out of sight, and anything I can afford does not exist. My children are in the area, and I don't want to leave the relationships i have here, to get out of this living situation. I NEED my own home, and I am unable to supply it for myself. I am frustrated and angry.
Tomorrow I will get up, get dressed, eat something, and go to work. I will come home. I will eat something and go to bed. This will happen Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The rest of the time is spent leashed to my bed because I can't move. When I am not at work, my body goes into an exhausted lethargy.
I am unable to find any solutions to my housing circumstances. I was unable to find a loving relationship outside that of my children, who are now gone and living very successfull and beautiful lives of their own. I was the single parent who helped them. Why can't I help myself?
I am out of ideas. After I work hard all week, i want to have some fun, and I know the PTSD that is holding me down. A normal person woudn't be doing this.
Does anyone else feel like this, or am I the only one?
I have little or no energy left to fight this battle against PTSD. I have little energy left to "manage" it. I am 68. I am grieving the losses that PTSD gouged and forced into my life. I grieve the losses that I suffered as a result of child and adolescent abuse. I am grieving not having found love. I am grieving not having a home of my own, and living in a rented room after all of my years of hard work, and taking the right steps. I have spent so much money on therapy that did not bring healing from this awful illness. That was one of my goals, to heal from PTSD. I learned a lot of tools to "manage" it, but the lethargy haunts me still, after 56 years, and the adrenal burn out because of the abuses exhausts me.
This is where I am at today, and I know its not pretty. I used to be able to "do" something about it, but today I am stuck - in bed, watching happy things on Netflix. This is what I wanted to do: visit my grandchildren, go for a walk. But I can't move.
Also, I need to pack up my meager belongings and move. Housing costs where I live are out of sight, and anything I can afford does not exist. My children are in the area, and I don't want to leave the relationships i have here, to get out of this living situation. I NEED my own home, and I am unable to supply it for myself. I am frustrated and angry.
Tomorrow I will get up, get dressed, eat something, and go to work. I will come home. I will eat something and go to bed. This will happen Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The rest of the time is spent leashed to my bed because I can't move. When I am not at work, my body goes into an exhausted lethargy.
I am unable to find any solutions to my housing circumstances. I was unable to find a loving relationship outside that of my children, who are now gone and living very successfull and beautiful lives of their own. I was the single parent who helped them. Why can't I help myself?
I am out of ideas. After I work hard all week, i want to have some fun, and I know the PTSD that is holding me down. A normal person woudn't be doing this.
Does anyone else feel like this, or am I the only one?
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
Because of this group (it is the only change I have made in weeks,) I am feeling better. But I am even afraid to edit my original comment. I know that at any moment another episode could begin. I am psychologically vigilant, and usually full of rage. So I fight.
HOWEVER last weekend I found DS, and I found this Group.. I am so grateful. I layed in bed all weekend watching netflix and finding DS, then sharing. So, while I was giving up, things happened. This makes me pause, and for a very long time.
I got up yesterday, got dressed, ate something and had a very good day at work. As you can see, your comment is helping, helping, helping. Thanks again!
These days I shoot to pick my battles small enough win and big enough to matter. With my PTSD phantoms, the battle fails on both criteria. I look to the healing arts, instead of the martial arts.
I tried to thank each one of you individually, but I guess the system cut me off. Probably too much posting, so I am thanking all of you. Everything you have shared has helped.
Although the long, steep slippery slope is not gone, I got some real help here. At least I'm not sliding out of control. Thanks Again!
All the losses and desires I have mentioned are part of the collateral damage that others caused. So, I grieve not being able to heal. I grieve that abusive, abandoning parents handed me a childhood and adolescence from which I can't escape. I can go on, which I have done. But I can't heal.
Realistic goals for me are getting out of bed in the morning, getting my two feet planted on the floor, standing up and beginning another day. Realistic goals for me are to dress myself, do actions that attempt to relieve chronic pain, eat something and get to work on time in one mental piece. These are goals I can meet about 70% of the time. The remaining 30% is the darkness, the bleakness and the hopelessness. This is my reality.
The pain of not healing hurts. The flashbacks can bring me to my knees, and put me back in bed. I need my own space. I am frustrated because in all the best practices of good self parenting, I cannot provide my own home and the private space I need to progress. I know what it is to have to modify and whittle down my goals - again.
This is not meant to be at you. This is really my daily rant. It is Wednesday and it's hump day, and I am getting tired. Tiredness triggers an episode. So I am sitting in bed here, getting this stuff out of my self for today, so I can get up and do the drill (see above). If I start gaining speed down the slimy slope, I will read my gratefullness list.
I am so glad you are here, and thanks for listening and your helpful words.
The therapy truly helped, but he didn't have group therapy. In time, that is what I needed also. It has been almost a couple of years since I plateaued in therapy and took a break. Now I have found my "group". I happened on it through facebook. I am so grateful.
When I hit the steep slimy slope last weekend, I found all of you.
Lilly, I know you are sick and in pain. i just want to let you know that I feel your pain also, and I am with you in it, as are all of us in this group.
Thank you for your very kind words of understanding. "See" you soon.
I'm struggling on the edge of more than one black hole this week, so I understand that steep slope. Event horizon. Whatever name it's called, it's tough going, and just wanted to let you know you're certainly not alone.
As Lilly pointed out, emotion is tiring, just like a physical workout, so more rest really can help:-)
For me, it is a steep, slimy slope, and when I hit the bottom - finally, it is me who has to do the clean up, no one else. It is the weekend now, and I am single. Being single is a constant trigger. It triggers abandonment trauma. If the parental and spousal abuse had not happened, I would not be single I am 68 and single and have been for 30 years.
Outside of this DS Group, I present otherwize. I present as a sunny artist and positive business woman. I work with a lot of children and I have to be sunny and positive for them. It is refreshing, and exhausting at the same time. Here I can "come out" with this part of who I am. I resent being single.
If I showed up being the real me, I wouldn't have any clients, or, an income I resent being single because I am worthy of a loving relationship, but the relationship and the husband never found me, or, me him.
This is a hard time of year for me, because it is fall, the weather is crisp, and the sun is out. Many elderly couples walk TOGETHER in my neighborhood, holding hands. Sigh. I see them out my window right now.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing me to be transparent.