Laughing on the outside while I am crumbling on the inside is a major warning flag in my own psycho yaddahs.

What's up, Cry?

That's just it, I don't know. Like I can smile with my friends and be completely fine but I feel like I'm breaking. Like the monster I've been able to contain likes to just show up whenever

Could be something called 'masked depression'. Why don't you google it and see what you think? X

It sounds like it, but what do I do about it? This sucks everything

I don't have a name for my rounds of this, but I associate ^it^ the emergence of a deeply repressed memory and attempts to keep the memory repressed. I went through ALLOT of years of escaping my circumstances with wild, giddy parties. The kind of party where everybody is laughing on the outside while crumbling on the inside.

Yes, it sucks everything. I have yet to be able to muscle my way through the phenom without disastrous consequences. ACT and Mindfulness exercises have been the most effective coping tools I have found so far. I work to keep ^it^ as honest as possible while letting the understanding emerge at the speed of the healing mysteries.

for me I've been taught to hide things so I can look fine on the outside and be a mess on the in. could that be what is happening?

Is there an anniversary of something coming up or just passed? Have you encountered anyone in your path that gsve you an uneasy feeling? I'm usually in the throws of it when I feel the way you describe and usually it's provoked by something I'm unaware of at the time but as the feeling brinks or even when it's done it usually comes to me.