So sorry to hear you feel this way. I hope you feel better soon. You have had a lot to put up with. (hugs)

Have you told your pdoc how you are feeling?

im sorry life has taken its toil on you hugs Congrats on you for taking a step forward
Take things a step at a time, Learn to love yourself, and stop beating yourself up for things in the past I know, it hurts, it happened and its cruel it happened to you but dont let it ruin you. Theres nothing we can do to change our past, but we can change our future.. its up to you.
it may look grey and weary now, but youve gotten this far, you are strong for holding out for so long. And brave for coming on here and expressing yourself.
You deserve Beautiful things and to be happy =)
I hope the support here will comfort you and remind you.
Your Not Alone.

I can't seem to get away from my broken bone analogy... Complex fractures for most of my brothers and sisters in healing. Amputation in my own case. My birth family would be the missing limb.

"Cure" is a highly relative term in such trauma. The professionals who helped me through the amputation process had no cure for the phantom limb syndrome. Still don't. The damage of a complex fracture never will heal all the way.

With acceptance and maintenance, one can live richly with such handicaps.

So thinketh the Arf.

Hope you find yours, Tizzy. Hugs and healing hopes...

Are you journalling yet? I understand the suicidal feelings well, specifically where continuous physical pain is ongoing. I will never heal, but will progressively get worse. A lot received from abuse, some just accidental one self inflicted. So "Giving Up" has been alot more than the calm sounding "idealization" for me. To me that denotes something creative.
I journal here and now on my own, which has never been a go to for me. But it helps with the sorting of my reactions,and where they are coming from. Like arfie says ..."small bytes long chews"
It also helps by breaking the large bundle of pain into smaller cope-able pieces. Dealing with the smaller ones , so I have strength for the bigger ones.
There is an energy to all strong emotions, I gather that and use it to create art. Even some days..just smearin various colors of my mood into abstract messes, not realistic wich is my more controlled form, but free flowing messes to get the anger or pain out.
There are some here that are gifted poets...never published for the public, but here they say in there words what we feel. That also helps, to know that some one gets it. We are not alone.

Finally the big C. I lost my husband last year, greiving his loss is the hardest I have ever been through. That's saying a lot considering my history. I am still fighting that one daily, it seemed to take all the other traumas I have been through and re-freshed all the pain and memories. Crystal clear ice cold pain, so cold it burns, like liquid nitrogen. I am covered in bandages for protection, just looking out at the world as the hours and days pass.

Here I find comfort, listening ears, support when all I want to do is give up and die.
I am also now aware that there may never be a cure, just learning to cope with the waves of pain and all else that has me here.

But here is a good place to be.

Welcome.
Jewells

So sorry you feel that bad. I have, too. I've been in the hospital for it. I also have hidden my feelings from my doctors so I wouldn't let them down.

Then one day I decided to screw how they felt. It was about me.

I guess I got constructively selfish or something. Like on an airplane how the flight attendant tells you about the oxygen masks. If you're crashing and the oxygen masks pop down, be sure to put your own on before helping anybody else.

I got to where I felt like I was really crashing with my PTSD, and I was going to die to spare my doctor's feelings.

I decided his feelings weren't worth my life, so I got selfish and demanded help and so far I got it.

Hope you feel better soon.

If your doc can't hear you are in a ton of pain, you REALLY need a new doc!
EMDR isn't a sure thing, it's a crapshoot. It made me worse!

Thank you so much to everyone who replied! I spoke with my pdoc and he was really glad that I got on here and reached out. I was really glad to have each of your thoughts, and kind words! I don't feel better today...

HI tizzy,, sending your positive joyful thoughts and prayers.


do tell your therapist about your difficulties.

Tizzy, I am so sorry to hear you are falling back into old methods of coping. Good or not, we do tend to fall back on what we know relieves our pain. You are not a disappointment to anyone, including yourself. You are seeking pain relief in any method that worked for you in the past. Recognizing it is not the best method of coping is a very important first step
.
As for you doctor, it is very short sighted to think EMDR cures all. It has had a very good track record, but it is not the be all and end all to curing PTSD, other wise the group would not be here. If this doctor will not help or listen, it is time to find another. Many here including myself have switched doctors a few times, until we found one that worked with us on our symptoms.

Next do you take meds? If so they may need an adjustment. Meds stop working after awhile and it take a while to find the right cocktail of drugs for each person. Make sure your drugs are working.

Put the knife down, and look for other ways to relieve your pain. Paint, draw, sketch, distract yourself by exercising, deep breathing try something new. Tell yourself cutting does not relieve my pain over an over again. Even when you are feeling better. I was a cutter too. It is a hard thing to stop because it does feel really good at the time. Then you spend weeks trying to cover it up. No fun. Please know we are hear for you. Reach out to this forum when you feel like cutting, anything but that. You can do it, you know it does not work for you.

Lastly and most importantly, you are not a disappointment to anyone, including your doctor. You are a person who has had to deal with some very horrible things and as a result it has made you ill. No one blames the person who has cancer for getting cancer and no one is thinking they are a disappointment because they have cancer. You have an illness.

If nothing works and you still want to cut yourself, go to the hospital. That is what I ended up doing and I can tell you it was the best place for me at that time in my life. I got so much help there and come out a new person, who has been able to deal with much more. I still fall backwards, but I am able to pick myself up and carry on much better now. There is hope, but you need to ask for help when you need and take charge of your own recovery. There is no magic pill or path to take, but you can do it with support and assistance.

Here is a link that I watch over and over again when I am feeling down. It has really became a pivotal point for me. I try and live a grateful life and it really does change things for you. take care

http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude.html

I can't do this anymore! Everyone keeps saying they just want me to be happy. I don't feel happy. I'm so miserable! I dinner know you're to get out of this. I want to die!

I've never cut, but I have wanted to die. First when I remembered the abuse from my father. You have had such horrendous things in your life, you need help to get through them. I haven't read everything here. I don't know if you have family support. I know I did EMDR and it was great for the "topping" the worst, but I was not able to continue. If you can get there and afford it I recommend more therapy. I don't know about cutting. They say it means you're trying to release pain. I don't know. There are some wonderful therapists out there; there are some horrible ones. I'd like you to hang on until you find the right place to be. I am sending caring, good thoughts, and precious hope for a better tomorrow and life.

I've thought everything through, and I just don't have the strength necessary. As someone said earlier curing is frustrating because you end up hiding it afterwards and that is annoying. Suicide hurts everyone you love so that is not an option. Pills just dull the pain. Talking seems to help, but eventually people want you to be happy and healthy. There is no hope. I just want the pain to end! That's all I want. Death just seems the only permanent way. I'm tired of being me. it sucks so bad... And people constantly remind me u don't have it as bad as others.... Which I don't, but that only makes me feel weak and pathetic not obligated to be happier, which I guess is what they at going for.

Oh thank you lilly! No that's not what I meant. My bff and hubz are saying those things about just be happy and eventually you will feel it. They are perpetually happy people and just ignore bad stuff. This us my second time using ds and I find it a great place!

have you ever considered an in-patient hospital stay? or maybe getting yourself into a day program?