Happy is easy? Not even "Happy" people could recover easily from just the bit you listed...Many Convince themselves with a pasted on smile...or only show their pain in private, like here. PTSD is a raging and waning thing sometimes. Better to give them an example, I credit "Bax" With this recent comment on a post that explains it so well. It is with my comment on it, because it hit the nail on the head so well.

It's a long read, but worth sharing with the hubbs and BFF, that are not understanding how this pain hurts.
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PTSD PAIN
Explained so well

I said "Imagine a person with full-body third degree burns. They hurt constantly. The medication takes the edge off, but the pain is there. Even moving hurts. They can do a little bit - slowly, gingerly, carefully - and it hurts, but they can do it. If someone comes up and gives them a hearty slap on the back, they are allowed to scream in agony, to be angry, to cry. It hurts. If someone comes up and lays a gentle hand on their shoulder, it's ok for them to scream, to flinch, to cry. It hurts. And it does no good for the person who laid the hand on the shoulder to say 'what are you getting so upset about - I was only trying to help - don't get angry at me!' And it does no good for the burn victim to say I'm sorry - I'm just too sensitive. I shouldn't have gotten upset at you - that was wrong of me. I shouldn't hurt this badly.'

"Every day is like that to me. My internal picture of myself is of a full-body emotional burn victim. Left alone, I sit and try not to move too much, not to feel too much. But the pain is there. And when there's nothing to do, sometimes I can distract myself, sometimes it's the toothache in the night - the pain is worse. Sometimes, I can get distracted, get involved in stuff, and I forget the pain for a while. Visitors helps a lot. But I don't get to sit in a hospital. I have to get up, get dressed, go to work, raise my kids, and interact with people who have no idea I've been burned so horribly. I can put on the happy face and look just like a normal person. But it hurts. And then someone comes along and gives me a cruel slap across the face... It's ok for me to drop to my knees and scream. It hurts. And that's ok.'

'I am going through my life. I am enduring the pain. I deserve an Oscar AND an Emmy for he daily performance I put on. But emotionally - I'm a burn victim. Nerves are re-growing, skin is healing. It's going to take a LONG TIME for any of this to not hurt. This is going to affect me for the rest of my life. Some scars never go away. I know you're going through a lot, too - I'm figuring out that nearly every person I come across is a burn victim, trying hard to hide that fact. I'm not angry at you for forgetting, or not understanding the fact that I look normal, but I am raw. But that's what it is. Sometimes, contact is important, and it's ok, even with the pain. But all I ask is - be as gentle as you possibly can, even knowing that the gentlest touch you have may not be able to fully prevent pain. But cause as little as possible. Please.'

And I also thought "and I need to remember this, as well. This is what it means to be gentle with ourselves. WE need to remember that we're burn victims. For not feeling guilty because we can't jump up and play tackle football right away. For hating the pain, and wanting to cry and wail. For the struggle of even just putting the shirt on, or digging in the pocket for change. For the big reactions, the wonder 'why the heck did I just do that?' It's OK. It's where you are right now. Healing will come, but slowly, and not easily. And that's ok, too.'


And you want something to look for in your abuser, to see if they're in that 1%? They need to treat you like that burn victim. they need to understand better than anyone other than yourself what they've done to you, and PROTECT you from additional pain until you're fully healed. THAT'S what remorse does. The one who gets you a glass of water with a straw and holds it gingerly to your lips - not the one who sits at your feet, flipping channels on the tv, complaining that they're bored with how long you're taking. Not the one who keeps slapping your belly to see you jump, and then complaining that you cry too loudly. Not the one who keeps lighting candles at your bedside, and amusing themselves by shouting "FIRE!" in the hallway.

Thank you Bax, yes the pain is still very raw, even after having a Good second husband. He did all he could to make my world livable. Since he passed from cancer, I feel like that burn victim all over again now. So raw, wrapped in bandages like a mummy, just barely seeing the world go by, hopefully unnoticed by those that give even the jovial pats on the back.

Jewells,

I don't come here often, The posts...open wounds. But this made it worth it.

Pills just dull the pain.> Just watch your dosage...it is not always a dulling but an ability to calmly assess your own feelings. Too much is Zombie, But some moments call for that. I take one half dose when needed and wait if that helps then That will do.

Without my night ones I wouldn't sleep ...not enough for days, finally too tired too handle a fleck of dust. So they have a place. Most will take 2 weeks for them to be fully effective. If at that point they are too much or do not help call your doctor or pharmacist, some may need weaning to stop. I usually avoid those, but do give the others the two weeks before giving up. At first there may be a groggy-ness, but your body acclimatizes to that effect. Then they just calm.

Come here often, lurk and read, I have learned so much that has helped me communicate with my docs, so I am understood better.

Welcome.

My counselor is a newby, and I think he is still figuring his way through all of this. I emailed him my post... He freaked! I'm an idiot! I know better!!! CrazyCanuk Thank you for your kind words, and great advice. I spoke for a while to my dr, and I am feeling much better. I also went for a walk and enjoyed the sunshine, had a cup of coffee, and a good solid cry. I feel better. Thank you for your rescue! MojoPaw I have considered, but I'm a mom of two young kids, and I don't want anyone to know how bad it is. That would just be too public! Jewells1 your words went right to my heart! Thank you! The burn victim metaphor (I'm a literacy teacher) really hit home! I just don't want to be a victim, or to suffer anymore at all. I feel better now, and I can see again that this is a moment of suffering in a time of a lot of other good things. I just lost perspective. I've spent eight years with the wrong diagnosis. So I'm new to PTSD diagnosis, and how different the treatment is. Everything feels so raw! I go to the Pdoc tomorrow at 5:30.

Ask for a referral to a more experienced doctor, one with PTSD treatment history not just book knowledge. I did after support given here. I am now with a blind therapist. She is a leader in this area.

Very different, since she can't read body language, only hear what is in my voice. I also must be more descriptive conscious, there are things she has never seen. She is a great help so far.

That's fascinating Jewells1! I am scared to go to someone new. I've seen five different drs in the last year. First my regular guy who just went with the previous diagnosis of bipolar, then the guy in Boston who I saw while my husband underwent a stem cell transplant for his brain cancer, he also just agreed with the bipolar diagnosis. Then I saw a woman who began to challenge my diagnosis, not by any of my own instigation. I fought her every step, telling her that I was most definitely bipolar. So I quit her, and went to my current guy who also supports her diagnosis of ptsd with severe anxiety. So I didn't believe him but I didn't fire him. I went to another pdoc for a third opinion, and she also says that I have PTSD. The short version is I"ve gone through a lot of people to get to where I am right now, and that is in just the last year! I'm tired of telling my stupid sob story to everyone... It's like getting naked in front of strangers for the purpose of being judged over and over again. Something close to TORTURE!

It took me several docs to find the ONE that really made a difference for me. In my case, it was a VA doc with a PhD in PTSD who took me on outside his VA work as a private patient.

Until him, I had several who weren't PTSD experts and it made a difference. They weren't terrible, they were just bland. I seemed to moved forward my inches at a time, year after year. They helped with the ptsd I got from sexual abuse as a kid, but I got ptsd two other ways and they weren't good with those.

My VA doc's expertise in PTSD has been so valuable. Things finally started coming together. I began to remember things I needed to work with to fill in gaps in my life. I got out of denial about a couple important abusers in my childhood. I understood my own combat ptsd, too.

However many it takes, it's worth it to find your best doc, imho. And then not to hold back.

Omg I went to work! A bunch of thirteen year old eighth graders from the infer city is the last thing I need. I can't do this!

What you did here in your post is basically what I took in as a trauma med history when I needed a new doc, handed it to her, then asked how long has she been licenced. It took about 5 minutes for her to read and give me a referal immediate appointment with my current doc. I didn't want to cover that again until I knew I was with someone that knew more than I did.

Unomas suggested it , like part of medical history. Also interview the doc, first. I had to start with new insurance after my husband passed. I needed to find new care, because my husbands plan was no longer in effect. I had tried to do it on my own but gave in, knowing I needed good help.

Yes, that list would help break in a new doc. And yes, interview the doc as much as youre interviewed by the doc, too. Good one.

Sorry you are in such a bad place. I was in a place of abuse most of my life. from very young and to adult hood. It was like my life of what I though is a blur. I have pstd, fibromyalgia and hemlepalegic migranes. It was consistent I repressed most of it to survive. The only thing that Got me through was the Lord. I accepted as my Saviour when I was about 10 years old. At age 7 I love the song Jesus Loves me . No one else I felt did. I never thought I was good enough for God to save me and could never get anywhere in life. That is what my family told me. They made me forget. I have had someone take a rock and bash my knee so I would not get away and my family all knew about it. He took me home and then they got mad at me for not letting him rape me. He wanted to know what it was like. I was pretty much a sex slave/ child prostitute. Anyway, the Lord has helped me and protected me all the way. I would say when no one else could help. The Lord always helped me. He was my security in the uncertain times. "For God so loved the world , that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life."
Some people have a hard time accepting God and blame him when they should be blaming Satan. I repented of my sin , we are all sinners and asked him into my heart ,and I always knew I would get out of my life of abuse. I just prayed more like I want to move out of here. A job opened up and my husband Got a promotion and moved away and not I am healing. God is not done with me yet. I always thought. People will fail you . Fathers, and God can be the best father ever. He never fails, always on time and is very patient. Take care and praying for you.

Jewells1 I find it so hard to change dr right now. Each time I have to do this it is soooo hard! You are right, I know. He told me on the phone when he was "talking me down" that he would lose his license (or something to that effect) and that I'm his best client, and that he cares about me... it was very uncomfortable and endearing. It really showed how new he was at all of this.

Sugarbear I hear you! I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you!