Idk where to start. Everything is so fucked up. I guess start with what's hurting me the most. 
7 months ago I was talking about how my great grandpa passed and I was dealing with two deaths in the span of a year. Welp, if 7months ago Shu knew that she'd be dealing with 4 deaths in the span of 6 months, I'm sure she would've jumped off a bridge to die. My great grandma slipped away in her sleep in April. And my great aunt passed in June. And it's been hard. Quarantine made it so much worse. I couldn't attend either funeral. Colorado only allows her kids to go and Maine isn't allowing anyone in the state. And a good friend of mine died due to Covid-19 in May. 
Speaking of COVID: at the beginning of this whole thing my mom got insanely sick. I mean like, it basically sounded like she would hack up her lungs all the time. I pushed her telling her we should go to the hospital because this could be serious. She, being her anti-hospital or whatever refused, until I came home from working my 3rd job to see her passed out on the ground. We rushed to the er where she was put on oxygen for about a week and a half. She was sick for 2 weeks prior to this. Doctors weren't testing at this time so they just assumed it was a bad fever or something. I felt numb. I had no one to talk to about this. I genuinely thought my mom was going to die. Thankfully she made a full recovery. But it was so fucking scary. I had no idea how I was going to pay the medical bills, plus care for two dogs, a phone bill and a 1000$ apartment on three minimum wage jobs. The medical bill is still being paid off. It was roughly $65,000 for the week we were there. I've been paying it this entire time. I've paid about 55,000 with the help of the inheritance I got from my grandpa. I've paid about 4K alone. I've been the only one working so I've been trying to distance myself from my mom. Finally my mom is working again, obviously working from home, but she's making money again. And I'm tired. 
I've tried to talk to my friends about what happened, but they just shut me up telling me about how bad they're having it. It got so bad that I stopped messaging people to see if they would notice if I was gone. I'm two weeks I got bombarded with people asking where I was because they needed to talk. It was gut wrenching. I'm not wanted, I'm needed for other people. I don't have friends, I have patients. I want to be wanted. 

this is stupid. I have no reason to complain. Others have it worse, but I just don't feel all that well and I really to die. I'm just...tired

Shu-