For a long time, in addition to struggling to accept that my parents were abusive in the home in my childhood, I've struggled to accept that my sister grew up to become abusive herself. I took care of my little sister through a lot of bad times, and it grieved me. It's been important in my own recovery not to repeat the past. She not only repeated it, but she turned on me. Deeply sad.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about it, and suddenly I felt my first emotional breakthrough about her. It wasn't that I excused it, it was that I finally felt the first sign I could accept it. It's quite simple: I left home at 17 off to college and left her there with them. In spite of the fact that it was my right to go off to college, to her it was abandonment, being left to the wolves. So she's never forgiven me for that and turned into an abusive person like them.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me it was a lot. I'd never been able to put myself in her shoes to understand why she became such a bitter and angry adult. Now I do, and finally it makes sense, even if it's not the way I would want it to be. I'm learning that is what acceptance is.

It's an important lesson to learn, because we tend to repeat what we don't understand, repeat it with other people. My approach to marriage was to treat my spouse like a little sister, too. It was nice that I was protective and not abusive, but it was not the marriage she wanted, so it ended in a divorce I did not understand. Now I think I'm starting to understand myself.