Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Just to fill you in, I have just left my emotionally abusive husband of four years. I am pretty wobbly about it all but I was resolved to move on and keep away from him. I arranged to pop down to see him and discuss what was going on with us. But he chose to be out and not see me so I took that as a sign he really wasnt that fussed about me.
We have been emailing this week about finances mainly and he arranged to come over ( 4 hour drive) with some of my stuff he wanted out of the way. So he came over.
Now I feel super super confused.
He had bought a car load of complete random stuff from the house. I just dont get it at all.
But then we talked some, and I cried some. He said it was over and what's done is done. Then we chatted some more about family and what was going on with everyone. I said some things I wanted to say, he said some things and it felt nice.
Then he asked me if we could go for a coffee or lunch. I agreed and said 'why not'
He took my hand as we walked through the city. It was nice.
We found somewhere to eat and had a nice talk over lunch, it was as if we had never been apart. ( I know I am romanticising there!) He said 'did you se that a guy nearly got run over as he was looking at me?' We talked some more over lunch about us and the future and how he wanted to continue to work together and what I should do with my accounts. He said he had left his wedding ring in my jewellery box for me to do with as I wished. We had a long hug as he set off, he told me he loved me and always would. It felt so nice. I miss him. One minute he was saying he wanted me to come home but I didnt so it is over, the next minute he says he cant sleep without me and just wants me to come home. The next minute its over, then I love you. As he left he said 'try and be excited about your new life here'.
Im so confused.
What just happened?
Have I just had an almighty mind fuck?!!!
Keeping us off balance and confused; acting as if things were wonderful and/or as if nothing happened; wanting us to stay or missing us and then saying its over; etc... etc... are all typical manipulative abuse tactics.
The first & most important thing to do is to go Total No Contact. Continuing to interact with him in any way will only serve to keep you confused and encourage him. The longer we can stay No Contact, the less confused we feel and the more we can see clearly. Going No Contact is often like going thru withdrawals. And we often break No Contact. If that happens, do NOT beat yourself up. It happens to all of us. Instead, just go right back to No Contact. That's the good thing about it - we can just start again.
Next contact your nearest women's abuse shelter and inquire about what resources, like support groups, counseling, etc. are available. I suspect you may live in the UK, so I am not familiar w/what may be available to you. But in the U.S., most abuse shelters offer free support groups, referrals to counselors and attorneys as well as helping find a place to live and some even offer help finding a job. These resources are available anyone who has been in or is currently in any kind of abusive relationship.
Then, if you don't already, please find an attorney. That way you can have your attorney handle all communication with the stbx.
Finally, take good care of yourself. All of the above are key ways to do exactly that. It is critical to find a therapist/counselor who specializes (and has extra training) in trauma recovery and who understands the dynamics and effects of abuse.
Here are a few links that may be of help to you.
Patricia Evans' website www.youarenotcrazy.com. It will help define/explain some of the types of abuse you're experiencing.
Questions to ask a potential abuse recovery therapist.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/questions-to-ask-a-potential-therapist
Information about trauma bonding
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/trauma-bond_10
Suggestions for self-care
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/what-we-focus-on-expands-practicing-self-care
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/focusing-on-self-love-amp-self-care
One other thing to keep in mind is that even tho you are leaving an abuser, you will still grieve the loss of the relationship (and the illusion of who you thought he was and what you thought the relationship was going to be as well as the many other losses that come with any relationship ending).
Sadly, many times it is not recognized, even by professionals, as grief. Instead we are labeled & even diagnosed as depressed and pumped full of meds that tend to block our ability to release our grief. When, what we really need are healthy ways to express and release our feelings which include sadness, fear, anger, shame, guilt, loneliness, etc.
It's important to also understand that these stages aren't linear. They can be repeated and happen more than one at a time. Grief is a very individual thing. We all don't grieve alike or in the same time frame. And it bears repeating that it is absolutely essential that we express our grief, otherwise, it will stay inside and each subsequent loss will be that much more difficult to grieve and will pile on top of the other ungrieved losses and cause all kinds of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual problems.
~healing hugs~
Second, reread MTC's response.
Third. . . . you wrote somewhere else:
My husband is a narcissist and a psychopath and very abusive.
You were very on-the-ball to leave.
But since you didn't go NO CONTACT, he is still getting off on SPINNING YOU AROUND.
Please TERMINATE COMMUNICATION except through your attorney.
Until you go NO CONTACT, you'll continue to be manipulated and abused.
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety and healing.
He gets it TOTALLY.
He PLANNED IT.
He wants you with NOTHING.
That ensures your dependency
on him and ENSURES HIS POWER OVER YOU.
Are you imagining that he's going to acknowledge his abuse, accept responsibility and do the right thing, while you, his victim, is escaping his control? I hope that's not what you're envisioning. You left him because he's abusive. The only thing that's changed is that you left him. . . . and that makes him angry. . . . .VERY angry. Don't be waiting around for him to suddenly be non-abusive to you. I'm sorry, but the chance that that will happen is slimmer then a unicorn appearing later today in the middle of Time Square.
Ask the director about getting pro bono (low cost or free) legal aid. If there's none available, ask if there's a pro se (do it yourself) divorce available.
Your husband will stand in your way to prevent you from pulling this off, in every way he can. What he's doing right now is called "hoovering," trying to suck you back into his power and control. His hand-holding is just more abuse. In fact, it's even more insidious than abuse that is obvious because what it is, is abuse disguised as love. It's a desperate attempt to prevent his victim from escaping. DON'T BE FOOLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep your focus on a life free of abuse.
You won't get it being with this abuser.
Please listen to h.e.a.l.
Don't give up on looking for an attorney. Many attorneys offer free consultations and you can get a lot of questions answered during those times. Make as many appointments and phone calls as you can. There are attorneys who do pro-bono and/or will wait for payment until the case is settled. Depending on where you live, if laws allow, the attorney can go after the stbx for attorney fees! Many will do payment plans. But you'll never find them if you don't look! The question to you is, are YOU worth fighting for???
I also think getting into therapy (or at least a free support group) will help you to rebuild your confidence, self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It will also help you to create healthy boundaries and support you in going No Contact. The longer you can go No Contact, the quick you will begin to heal. And, as you begin to heal, you will see that there are way more options available to you than you can currently see. But you have to make the effort.
~healing hugs~
I suspect, especially when dealing with an abuser, that if you don't get it in legal writing, he will NOT hold up his end of the deal. Even then there's a big chance he won't. But, at least then you'll have a legal avenue to take him back to court. You can check w/your local courthouse to see if, in cases like that, you can file contempt of court charges w/o an attorney.
Do NOT believe or depend on anything he says! If words come out of his mouth, they are nothing more than lies & manipulations. I speak from decades of personal experience and there are many here who have been through exactly what you're going through now.
Think about the bed business. You need it. He's got it. He ain't givin it. Sounds like mine all over again. Court is the only way.
He text me telling me that 'I will have a nice £1000 'cushion' of money so make it last and don't spend it. '
I replied and we ended up having this silly text conversation where I explained to him where all my money had gone and how I was left with £15 from the £2000 he gave me to get somewhere to live. I could see how he was manipulating me but I felt so angry that he was saying that I had so much spare cash I could relax for a few months!!! It is not the case at all. I wanted him to understand that but I realise it was futile and none of his business actually.
I fell for it and allowed him to suck me in. TUT! Lesson learnt.
He is either telling me he loves me and thinks im the one he should end up with and the next hes following all these girls he meets on tinder and talking to whoever and whatever. IT HURTS