Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
What we focus on expands.
A therapist told me this 20 years ago when I was still married. I didn't get it - not one little bit.
It's actually something I came across again a couple of years ago when I watched the movie, The Secret. That's when it started making sense. And there's a reason for that:
I was ALREADY OUT of the TOXIC abusive environment. That meant I had the space to breathe and begin to heal AND the opportunity to start focusing on ME.
WHEN WE ARE IN A TOXIC ENVIRONMENT, WE HAVE SLIM TO NO CHANCE TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING BUT THE ABUSER!
Read that again and again and again. It's worth repeating because it's true. It's part of the dysfunction of abuse.
The more we focus on what & why the abuser does, the less we focus on ourselves. (read that again too)
And it's really hard to see things clearly when we're stuck in a mire of toxic abuse.
Even if you're still w/the abuser, do everything you can to take the focus off him/her and keep it on you.
There's only one healthy way to do that - LOVING SELF CARE.
In no particular order, here are some ways to practice loving self care. Many are free!
* positive self affirmations (ex: I am loveable, smart, worthy, beautiful, whole [whatever is opposite of what your abuser is telling you]
* meditation/prayer (away from the abuser - even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom - I do some meditation while I'm in the shower)
* exercise, even just a walk around the block
* eat healthy
* good sleep if possible
* guided imagery (lots of this is free on youtube)
* listening to music
* doing any form of art
* spending time in nature
* spending time w/your pets
* spending time w/healthy friends/family if you can
* therapy (individual & group)
* interacting w/people outside of your relationship and REALLY listen to & take to heart their compliments)
* journaling and/or free writing
* allowing yourself time and space (if possible) to express your feelings, including anger, in a healthy way (ex: to release anger roll up a magazine and beat the crap out of a pillow while expressing out loud what you're thinking/feeling. This allows you a healthy release. Of course do this in total privacy.)
* laughter
* gratitude - keep a daily gratitude list. it doesn't have to be about big things...even seeing a pretty flower or a butterfly. The more things you can find to be grateful for, the more positive things you will find.
These, especially therapy w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse, will help you survive while you are in the toxicity of abuse.
Once you're out, they WILL help you HEAL.
One more thing about healing. That same therapist I referred to in my first sentence also told me this:
In order to have a healthy relationship w/another person, we must FIRST HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH OURSELVES.
This is so true. So, please focus on you first and foremost, and practice healthy self care.
A therapist told me this 20 years ago when I was still married. I didn't get it - not one little bit.
It's actually something I came across again a couple of years ago when I watched the movie, The Secret. That's when it started making sense. And there's a reason for that:
I was ALREADY OUT of the TOXIC abusive environment. That meant I had the space to breathe and begin to heal AND the opportunity to start focusing on ME.
WHEN WE ARE IN A TOXIC ENVIRONMENT, WE HAVE SLIM TO NO CHANCE TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING BUT THE ABUSER!
Read that again and again and again. It's worth repeating because it's true. It's part of the dysfunction of abuse.
The more we focus on what & why the abuser does, the less we focus on ourselves. (read that again too)
And it's really hard to see things clearly when we're stuck in a mire of toxic abuse.
Even if you're still w/the abuser, do everything you can to take the focus off him/her and keep it on you.
There's only one healthy way to do that - LOVING SELF CARE.
In no particular order, here are some ways to practice loving self care. Many are free!
* positive self affirmations (ex: I am loveable, smart, worthy, beautiful, whole [whatever is opposite of what your abuser is telling you]
* meditation/prayer (away from the abuser - even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom - I do some meditation while I'm in the shower)
* exercise, even just a walk around the block
* eat healthy
* good sleep if possible
* guided imagery (lots of this is free on youtube)
* listening to music
* doing any form of art
* spending time in nature
* spending time w/your pets
* spending time w/healthy friends/family if you can
* therapy (individual & group)
* interacting w/people outside of your relationship and REALLY listen to & take to heart their compliments)
* journaling and/or free writing
* allowing yourself time and space (if possible) to express your feelings, including anger, in a healthy way (ex: to release anger roll up a magazine and beat the crap out of a pillow while expressing out loud what you're thinking/feeling. This allows you a healthy release. Of course do this in total privacy.)
* laughter
* gratitude - keep a daily gratitude list. it doesn't have to be about big things...even seeing a pretty flower or a butterfly. The more things you can find to be grateful for, the more positive things you will find.
These, especially therapy w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse, will help you survive while you are in the toxicity of abuse.
Once you're out, they WILL help you HEAL.
One more thing about healing. That same therapist I referred to in my first sentence also told me this:
In order to have a healthy relationship w/another person, we must FIRST HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH OURSELVES.
This is so true. So, please focus on you first and foremost, and practice healthy self care.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I can vouch for this in the use of vision boards! They work for me out of the simple act of keeping focus!
His actions always belied his words, and that is, indeed, very confusing. Part of what I'm trying to express here is that we canNOT allow ourselves to take to heart what they say about us because it is toxic and it's only them projecting their own crap onto us. One of the reasons they say all the nice things to us is to get what they want. It's a great big fat manipulation. That's why its so important for us to build/rebuild our self-esteem and not depend on another person for that. Honestly, I didn't realize that was happening until I was out for a while.
ooooo, thank you for adding the vision board! I've done that too & it's amazing how well it worked!
Do you mind if I post it, maybe on another thread, or if need be?
Thanks,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
By necessity, we spend so much time here talking about *them*, about the pain and confusion they create, it's always good to be reminded that this is ultimately about us. About healing, growing, and creating better lives for ourselves. All of these suggestions are very helpful, thanks.
I did not write this morning, but I got a notebook and put it by my bed so that tomorrow I can just write... I am kind of excited about it....