Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
A short synopsis of trauma bonding:
Its about misplaced loyalty or attachment. These relationships include exploitation, fear and even danger as well as times of kindness, nobility & righteousness. Nothing, not even emotional pain, physical abuse or even the possibility of death stops a trauma bonded person from caring about and/or staying committed to the abuser.
Abusive relationships are built on traumatic bonding. For example, Lucy & Charlie Brown - when she holds the football and promises to not take it away and then does is an example of traumatic bonding because Charlie Brown keeps coming back even tho he knows what's coming next. Other examples include, but are not limited to, cults; incestuous families; hostage/kidnapping; verbal, mental, spiritual, sexual & physical abuse; and codependents of any kind of addict who refuse to leave no matter what the addict does and/or how much the codependent is suffering.
Most of us probably don't realize we are trauma bonded. I actually didn't think I was any more until I read this in my recent training. While I have healed some and don't fall into as many of the categories any more, there are still a couple that really hit home for me. So I know I still have work to do. :-)
Signs that you may be (or were) trauma bonded:
When you:
* obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life. (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)
* continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.
* go overboard to help people who have been destructive to you.
* continue to be a team member when obviously things are becoming destructive
* continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.
* again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
* are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
* want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
* choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
* persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
* are loyal to people who have betrayed you
* are attached to untrustworthy people
* keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
* continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility
I hope this helps bring more understanding to an often-missed and misunderstood aspect of abuse.
Its about misplaced loyalty or attachment. These relationships include exploitation, fear and even danger as well as times of kindness, nobility & righteousness. Nothing, not even emotional pain, physical abuse or even the possibility of death stops a trauma bonded person from caring about and/or staying committed to the abuser.
Abusive relationships are built on traumatic bonding. For example, Lucy & Charlie Brown - when she holds the football and promises to not take it away and then does is an example of traumatic bonding because Charlie Brown keeps coming back even tho he knows what's coming next. Other examples include, but are not limited to, cults; incestuous families; hostage/kidnapping; verbal, mental, spiritual, sexual & physical abuse; and codependents of any kind of addict who refuse to leave no matter what the addict does and/or how much the codependent is suffering.
Most of us probably don't realize we are trauma bonded. I actually didn't think I was any more until I read this in my recent training. While I have healed some and don't fall into as many of the categories any more, there are still a couple that really hit home for me. So I know I still have work to do. :-)
Signs that you may be (or were) trauma bonded:
When you:
* obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life. (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)
* continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.
* go overboard to help people who have been destructive to you.
* continue to be a team member when obviously things are becoming destructive
* continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.
* again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
* are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
* want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
* choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
* persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
* are loyal to people who have betrayed you
* are attached to untrustworthy people
* keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
* continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility
I hope this helps bring more understanding to an often-missed and misunderstood aspect of abuse.
I am slowly starting to see how I really have nothing to lose. He really doesn't care. He really is all about him. Instead of coming to get his clothes out of my garage, he is playing playstation, what i got him for his christmas present with his cousin. He says he doens't have gas to get here. He could have borrowed money from his cousin he is very resourceful that way. He's just not wanting to get his stuff. He will be crying and begging me again today again!
It is very hard to break from this trauma boinding, but I so get it. I just have to be a little bit more cerebral, in this break. I need to do what my head says and not my heart. I know this won't work, but
my heart wants to sing another song. :(
Thanks again. I needed that xxx
M.T.C.'s wonderful
thread, (but thanks
for the thought, M.T.).
And thank you mtc this is great information.
Trauma and trauma bonding go very deep, so it's my recommendation that therapy is necessary to get to the crux of it and talk therapy won't do it. I tried & tried w/talk therapy and it hasn't helped the way hypno has. I don't know of any books that would be helpful other than maybe to describe &/or define it further.
While talk therapy & CBT are good for a lot of issues, they don't reach the depth of the trauma. There are other modalities like EMDR & EFT that can help, but in order to heal the trauma, it helps to get to the sub conscious & that's where hypnotherapy comes in. It's nothing like what we see on TV. When I started, I said no way are you doing THAT to me & me not having control. I very quickly realized that hypnotherapy is basically me taking control back, not giving it away. And the type my therapist does (and what I'm in training learning to do) always has a healing component so I never leave the office feeling as bad as, or worse than, when I came in.
Everyone is different, so there is no one size fits all healing modality. You may have to try several before finding what works for you.
Dang it.
You helped me, bcz I did tell my own therapist that I didn't want to leave feeling worse than when I cme in. I think she was agreeable.
Your posts always help me, as I try to feel better and be positive.
Oh the fantasies... yes, that they come back and recognise the error of their ways, blah blah sad!
The good news is the more we recover, the less we are able to do these things. And sometimes it takes you by surprise.
MTC what can you advise about EMDR? Thanks
My bf had EMRD for his PTSD. It was REALLY helpful to him. Is there something in particular you would like to know and I'll see if I can answer it for you......
I have sampled EFT (emotional freedom technique) and know several people who have found great success w/that as well.
I just did a search and it was the first one. I can't verify how it works because, as I said, I've never done it. I hope this helps.