Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
A brief history...
I have been married for a little under 3 years, I am 41 my DH is 42 and we have a two year old daughter.
Yes there have always been signs of verbal abuse, some days are great and others are pretty bad.
I am in finally a place where I am seriously thinking of leaving him....he was previously married (with no kids) his marriage lasted for just about 2.5 years before she left him because of the same reasons. They tried couples councelling and it didn't help or at least not for long.
Fast forward to today, he will not seek councelling because he says he knows the problem is with him and councelling didn't help before he is trying online avenues and videos to try to help him...in my opinion it is not...I am sure he would disagree.
I will briefly describe a very recient incident. We were going to a grocery store with my daughter and I "forgot" her water bottle. When he asked me where it was I said I thought you had it because (he was filling it up before we left). He doesn't like that I am "blaming him" when I wasn't I was just simply saying that I though he had it...he calls me a f'en useless bitch, a useless sack of shit and an f'en bitch...when I say well we are at a store so we can just buy her one here he gets more angry with me and tells me not to deflect from the issue... after we had found a new bottle of water he says put it in the cart, I say no I am quite capable of carrying it and its easier if I hold it....he keeps insisting I put it in the cart I keep insisting I am capable of holding it. He then tells me to get out of the house by the end of the night and take my daughter with me....
Flash forward a few days...I am called usless two more times, he says I am acting like a c*nt and tells me to shut the f' up when I try to explain my point to him. He gets frustrated with my daughter crying in the car and has yelled at her several times calling her a brat and a bad baby. He tells me "I never get better" meaning I keep doing the same things that piss him off. He is very agressive in the car using offensive language like stupid asian, supid woman drivers, c*nts, bitches, idiot drivers, stupid ni**ers...
I have also been called retard, idiot, stupid, failure, bad mother, weak etc....
So needless to say I think enough is enough.... I know a lot will change, no more nice things, less outings, change of home, change of job ect if I leave... I am so scared he will get custody of my daughter as well.
So do I stay and try to work this out or is enough enough....will I scar my child by leaving or more if I stay....??? does anyone really have the answers to this.?
He is not all bad he does a lot for us, he helps out with everything (except baby related things) he drives everywhere (since yes, I am afraid to drive, which is a big sore spot for him).
I find ways to validate his behaviour because I lack certain skills like driving....
Lets say he only acts this way 10% of the time....which is probably not the case is that justification to stay?
TIA
There's no easy or perfectly
right answer to your question
but here are a few thoughts:
There is no way to
"work out" an abusive
marriage.
Abuse ten percent
of the time is way
more than "enough."
One percent is
too much!
Your daughter may
be scarred by a
divorce.
But the scarring
(and SCARING)
that she will endure
growing up under
the roof of abuse
will have a nearly
hundred percent
probability of effecting
not only the rest of her
life, but will determine
with whom she partners
and how she raises
her children.
Look at it this way:
If you knew that the
home you were raising
your child in had walls
with peeling lead paint,
how long would you
stay there, hoping
that the toxicity she
absorbed would be
"minimal"?
It's the same or
even worse,
living with a
child under the
same roof with
an abusive partner.
Stay and your daughter
WILL absorb
the toxicity.
It's all around her.
There's no way she
can escape it. There's
no way she's not going
to be effected.
Leave and life will be
harder in certain ways,
but then neither of you
will be eating, sleeping
and living inside walls
emitting poisons that
effect you and your
daughter, emotionally
and physically.
Find your nearest
women's resource
center and have
them help you
develop a
SAFETY PLAN.
That's the first step.
Then. . . . . you can
analyze, with the
help of the professionals,
what the risks are
with one choice
or another.
The choice is
ALWAYS yours.
Just remember
that your daughter
has NO choice
at this moment.
She lives where
you live. When you
are being abused,
SHE is being abused.
That's the reality of
life for a child
living under
the roof of abuse.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety, clarity
and healing.
I don't want my daughter to end up hating me for leaving or staying.
Does anyone else have any insight for me?
Granted it is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. But that's when you have to make the best decision you can and know it came from the right and healthiest place in your heart.
Much research has been done over past decades that tells us that "even just" witnessing abuse affects certain parts of the brain in both children and adults. For example it can cause the hippocampus to shrink as much as 20%. So right there his 10% behavior doubles the 20% effect of that behavior.
There is NO JUSTIFICATION for his actions - EVER, even if its "only" 10%. It wouldn't matter if you were the worst person in the world. He still doesn't have the right to treat you that way - ever. Abuse is NEVER a sign of love. Love shouldn't hurt mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, or spiritually. His refusal to go to therapy is a huge 'action' that belies his words that he's making effort to change. And as h.e.a.l. said couples counseling NEVER works. At some point, all it will do is end up w/him taking everything you say out on you behind closed doors in front of your 2 yr old and him manipulating the therapist to be on his 'side.'
If you stay it WILL GET WORSE. The current (and long running) stats on abusers are that less than 2% will change for the better AND stay that way.
Even more important is that growing up in an abusive environment will do severe damage to your child. Children learn what they live and go on to live what they learn. She will grow up thinking that not only is abuse ok, but also that its perfectly normal to abuse and to be abused. This is how the cycle of abuse is perpetuated. Even by age two damage has been done. Some research has shown that babies still in the womb are stressed by the abuse happening even tho they don't have the vocabulary to express it. New borns are very sensitive to any kind of stress.
As h.e.a.l. said, if you leave, it might not be easy. But you will be out of the abuse. Hopefully you can get support from your local women's shelter and/or other resources. If nothing else, your shelter should be able to help you create a SAFE plan to leave. Many shelters offer free support groups as well as referrals to therapists, attorneys and other resources. You will more than likely need a professional to make sure that she isn't continually exposed to abuse by her father. Some shelters even help finding affordable housing.
Whatever you decide, it is critical that you and your daughter get into therapy asap with specially trained trauma recovery therapists. And do NOT share anything about your therapy with him. He WILL use it against you.
Sending you and your daughter healing hugs...
My household has little physical abuse. I don't get hit or thrown out on the street or any of that. Or at least very rarely. All the abuse is mental. But it shows. I don't even know how to describe it because it's all I know, but it damn well shows.
Imagine living in a garbage dump all your life then trying to explain how it's different from living in a utopia without ever having been to one.
My parents aren't concerned with loving me. They are concerned with being right. They are concerned with being controlling and superior and pretending to love me for their ill-gotten warm and fuzzy fake love.
Here is an example. Yesterday, I was playing in the basketball field with my dog. Because it's all dusty, my mom told me I should wash my feet when I get home. Okay. That's fine.
I get home. She tells me to wash my feet. I say okay, I will do it when I finish my work and go downstairs. Ten minutes later, she tells me again. Nag, nag, nag. Then she starts up. "You aren't going to do it if you don't do it right now. You always forget. You're just that type of person. You have HIS blood. You have your grandmother's blood. I'm just trying to help you. I'm just trying to remind you. I know you won't do it on your own. You can't."
On and on and on. Breaking down my self confidence and forcing me to rely on her. Just so she can feel needed.
All. My. Damn. Life.
Then there's my dad, with his attention seeking jealousy. Constantly saying crap like "I'm dying." "Nobody cares about me" and intentionally bad-mouthing everything I ****ing love just to get a reaction. I can't even pull up an example because there are just too many. Here is a very long one from a recent post:
This happened more than a month ago. I can't remember what they were fighting over. It must have been over my mom's habitual criticisms and insults towards my dad. He exploded and they got into a huge fight over what amounted to nothing at all. My mom would admit no wrong because my dad was being violent; she refused to speak to him, partially because she was scared. In her eyes, he saw no reason. My dad would admit no wrong because he thought she deserved it. He thought he could not control himself. It was her fault he had done it. In his eyes, she carried all the wrong because of all the abuse he had endured in the past.
When he had to drive me to art class after that, I knew I was in for it. For complaining, attention seeking, begging, guilt tripping. After all, he was counting on me to fix their relationship. He couldn't do it because she wouldn't listen. But he didn't want to get away either. He guilted me. Yelled about abuse and all that nonsense. Saying I was on her side and that I hated him. What bullshit. Attention seeking bullfuckery. Guilt tripping me like that all the while. I am surprised I even tried to help him considering his refusal to even listen to me.
I told him that he didn't have to always listen to her. Didn't have to submit to her. Perhaps he could run away for a few days. Vacation. Be away from us for once. Silence. I said that he needed to have boundaries. He never spoke up unless he was yelling. That was why she never listened. Perhaps if he would calm down for a second. I reminded him of the time I had stood up to her. I had been completely calm, stared her straight in the eyes, refused to show pain or back down. Knowing I was under her foot but still refusing to be crushed. I told him that I had been proud. And could he try doing the same? Perhaps he could tell her in a normal tone of voice. Peacefully. Perhaps they could work out something.
Yelling. She never listens to me, he said. She's so mean to me, she abuses me. She loves you more than me. You both hate me. Everyone hates me.
I don't want to talk to her. I hate her. He repeats this line over and over for the rest of the ride.
Before I leave the car, I say, well, I tried to help you. He says, stone cold, "you didn't." I murmur that I'm sorry. I cried for the rest of the day. Just feeling guilty and horrible for everything.
I got mad at him too. When he was going on about everyone hating him, I countered him. My voice rose, and I inquired shakily about all those years he had called me fat and worthless and telling me I would never be good enough.
You know what? He just got pissed at me "bringing up shit I did forever ago" and "just leave me alone" and "forget about it" and "why do you both do this?" Basically saying that my feelings don't matter but his so clearly do. Not even a goddamn apology. I was pissed beyond belief. I felt like screaming like in the old days. But I didn't. I let it go. No use talking to someone who will admit no wrong.
I'm still pissed. I can still feel all of that, the guilt and the fury. I think about it probably every other day. I'm tired of all that. I need to stop thinking about all that.
I can't even tell if this comment will have any effect. Is any of this really that bad? Am I just overreacting? Am I just someone who doesn't understand the truth and should listen more?
Screw that. I'm damn tired of fucking living here when there's a utopia right next to my house. And another one next to that one. They're all goddamn utopias compared to this sick household that's basically built on all of us hating each other. Just today, and it's around 2 PM, my parents have gotten in three fights. Over absolutely nothing. They are like mentally damaged narcissistic 5 year olds. They should never have had a child.
Edit: God, I'm sorry for all the swearing and messing up your post with me ranting. Maybe this illustrates something about such a lifestyle. I don't know. I do know I'll probably be messed up for the rest of my life. I see everyone as a duplicate of my parent's personalities. I have anxiety, depression ,dissociation. I don't trust. I don't know the different between your situation and mine, (only one abuser), but don't make your kid go through that.
I wish u have lived a day in my life!
I am lost
We know its hard when you're stuck in the mire of abuse. But what you've described is classic textbook abuse. I know you don't want to see it or admit it. None of us do. But just the name calling alone is so VERY ABUSIVE. It's WRONG. There's NEVER a time where calling someone names is ok.
It really helps to get some distance and clarity which won't happen as long as you stay in the toxic environment. At least, find a good therapist. And visit w/your local women's shelter. They can help educate you.
If you need/want more validation that you are being abused and confirmation that even 10% is TOO MUCH, get the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. (Do NOT let him know you have it!!! and do NOT ever tell him you think he's abusive. This is for you and your daughter's protection.)
~healing hugs~
Imagine your sweet baby girl is an adult in the same situation you are. What would you tell her to do? You'd tell her to get out of there, because that's not good for her. Do whatever you would want her to do, because what affects you is going to affect her. Every day I wish my mom would just leave that son of a gun, and we did once, and went back. I can't move passed that, it has destroyed me. Get out, you deserve so much more than this and so does your baby girl. You can do this and you will. Getting out is stressful but you are stronger than you know. You can beat this <3 Much love to you. Xx Angel
Was it verbal abuse you experienced or physical?
I just would like to get a bit more insight.. thank you for sharing...
Not only am I dealing with verbal abuse but last Thursday I happen to stumble upon a dating website profile on my daughters tablet... when I clicked on it it brought me to a woman's profile with MY bikini pictures from a vacation three years ago. He is using my pictures (from our honeymoon) no less to have conversations with other woman.... I read them all. It has been going on for a month and some of the conversations have been of sexual nature, some of the woman are even sending naked pictures of them self to him.... I really wanted to monitor this account to see how bad it was going to get or maybe hopefully see he would delete it himself but I couldn't do it. It was eating me up inside so bad and the last straw was when I saw that he send a pic of me....a picture of me in a thong (thank god no private parts were showing or my face) to two people..... I confronted him right there and made him delete it. He said he was sorry but he was bored and it didn't mean anything and the pictures he used were older so it didn't matter. He brushed it off like it was nothing and basically said any "fun" he was getting from it was over now.... so kinda blaming me for making him delete it?!?!
Of course I brought it up a few times on the weekend because how can I trust him... also in a message he mentioned chatting to someone on a messenger kind of service.... he said he was just playing with them and he doesn't have any other accounts. But when I pressed him on it he basically told me he doesn't have time for this, he said he was sorry, he deleted it so it was a dead issue and he doesn't want me to keep bringing it up...... hello don't I get a chance to overcome this issue?
Its all becoming too much I think this is the last straw....
On another note a few weeks back my daughter told me to shut up (she just turned two) when I said to my husband I wonder where she gets it he said well maybe she has a reason to tell you to shut up... maybe you were saying something she didn't want to hear.... WHAT are you serious.....
I know she is picking up things from both of us but this worries me... we were waiting for the elevator and she said. Hurry hurry..... fu*k.... She does not get this from me. She has also said "stupid people" she got this from his mom actually.... he's also teaching her to stomp on ants and kill them dead, lol....I would rather teach her to leave living creatures alone.... unless we have a reason to step on them you know...... its all these little things that I can't deal with on a daily basis anymore. He is also very bad in the car complaining about drivers, using their gender (woman driver) or their race (stupid Asians etc) against them. Even if some pedestrian is moving too slowly he will say "move out of the way you fat ass".... LMAO I just....don't....know....I can't hear this garbage every day. I know we all can get angry and say not so nice things sometimes but come on....
I know no one can give me advice on this but I needed to get it out and document it for my sake and confirm that no this is not acceptable behaviour!
This is not only not
"acceptable behaviour,"
it's ABUSIVE behavior.
Hon. . . . . your 2 year-old
daughter is learning what
she lives, under the
roof of abuse.
In ten years, when her
hormones kick in, it
will no longer be a
question of his
unacceptable behavior.
She will either be easy
prey for the next abusive
predator, or she will be
thoroughly practiced at
abusing YOU, having
watched her father do
it all her life.
No. You're right. This is
not acceptable behavior.
Please, it's up to you to stop the cycle of abuse NOW. It won't be easy, but every day you wait will be exponentially harder than the last. If not for you, then do it for her.
~healing hugs~
I know now he is incapable of changing and it is now turning to my daughter. I will provide a few instances from this weekend... We were going out on Saturday and before we even leave the parking lot he says to my two year old "now if mommy and daddy fight and break up its your fault".... then later in the car she is fussing, which he hates so he says "when shes like this I want to punch her".... I know he would never do that but he shouldn't say it. Then on Sunday she is using out swiffer duster because she wants to help and she decides to smell it. He snatches the duster away from her and say "you are a stupid little girl"..... again he tells me he doesn't mean it and he would never hit her but come on.... your the adult. Oh but after he called her a stupid little girl I did something I don't normally do. I got in his face and swore and him and gave him a shoove and told him never to do that again.... I know I was wrong too for getting angry and yelling and pushing him but I am losing my mind with all of this.
I feel like I can't win in this situation, if I leave she will be affected and if I stay I am not being a good mom by keeping her in this environment.....
I am so frustrated with myself and I am so angry with myself that I let this happen day after day and I don't just leave....