Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
A brief history...
I have been married for a little under 3 years, I am 41 my DH is 42 and we have a two year old daughter.
Yes there have always been signs of verbal abuse, some days are great and others are pretty bad.
I am in finally a place where I am seriously thinking of leaving him....he was previously married (with no kids) his marriage lasted for just about 2.5 years before she left him because of the same reasons. They tried couples councelling and it didn't help or at least not for long.
Fast forward to today, he will not seek councelling because he says he knows the problem is with him and councelling didn't help before he is trying online avenues and videos to try to help him...in my opinion it is not...I am sure he would disagree.
I will briefly describe a very recient incident. We were going to a grocery store with my daughter and I "forgot" her water bottle. When he asked me where it was I said I thought you had it because (he was filling it up before we left). He doesn't like that I am "blaming him" when I wasn't I was just simply saying that I though he had it...he calls me a f'en useless bitch, a useless sack of shit and an f'en bitch...when I say well we are at a store so we can just buy her one here he gets more angry with me and tells me not to deflect from the issue... after we had found a new bottle of water he says put it in the cart, I say no I am quite capable of carrying it and its easier if I hold it....he keeps insisting I put it in the cart I keep insisting I am capable of holding it. He then tells me to get out of the house by the end of the night and take my daughter with me....
Flash forward a few days...I am called usless two more times, he says I am acting like a c*nt and tells me to shut the f' up when I try to explain my point to him. He gets frustrated with my daughter crying in the car and has yelled at her several times calling her a brat and a bad baby. He tells me "I never get better" meaning I keep doing the same things that piss him off. He is very agressive in the car using offensive language like stupid asian, supid woman drivers, c*nts, bitches, idiot drivers, stupid ni**ers...
I have also been called retard, idiot, stupid, failure, bad mother, weak etc....
So needless to say I think enough is enough.... I know a lot will change, no more nice things, less outings, change of home, change of job ect if I leave... I am so scared he will get custody of my daughter as well.
So do I stay and try to work this out or is enough enough....will I scar my child by leaving or more if I stay....??? does anyone really have the answers to this.?
He is not all bad he does a lot for us, he helps out with everything (except baby related things) he drives everywhere (since yes, I am afraid to drive, which is a big sore spot for him).
I find ways to validate his behaviour because I lack certain skills like driving....
Lets say he only acts this way 10% of the time....which is probably not the case is that justification to stay?
TIA
Sorry in advanced this is a jumbled mess....
I just need a safe space right now to vent as I feel like I am about to explode with everything that has been going on lately.
There are two things that are weighing heavily on me right now and makes me feel like a weak, loser, bad mother, person ect...
We are putting my two year old into daycare one day a week to allow my MIL a break from watching her during the week. This means a few things I have to leave work early to pick up my daughter and even by leaving an hour early its going to be a very small window within which to pick up my daughter by the 5:30 deadline.
If you know anything about me you know that for some reason I am deathly afraid of driving and really avoid it with everything I have. So I was planning on taking public transit to pick up my daughter. Since there is such a small window of time my husband tells me well you are just going to have to get comfortable with driving because I don't want you taking the bus and risking delays and picking up my daughter late from daycare. I say okay I know that is what you prefer but I am very nervous and plus there is a lot of construction in the city which makes me even more nervous to drive. Basically he said he doesn't care this is what needs to happen.... Then he tells me I should also be looking for another job in the City so its closer to home and easier for me to manage these things and also it will be easier for her when she goes to school. I just feel bullied and pressured into doing what he tells me I should be doing. Because A. I don't even want my daughter in day care, I would rather take a pay cut and be home with her B. I really don't want to drive because I am terribly afraid and C. I don't like him telling me that I should be looking for another job.
Second incident is surrounding chicken I cooked a week ago and yes I know you really should eat it within 5 days but we still had a lot left last night and I thought maybe we could eat it for our lunches today. Anyways he addressed the fact that the chicken is getting old and he's not going to eat it so I said (and I probably said it with a bit of attitude because I really hate throwing food out) Fine I guess I will just throw it all out then. So because he doesn't like my comment or the way I said it he starts ranting and raving telling me am I trying to poison him, I should be smarter than this and know that the chicken should be thrown out. I tell him yes I know you are right but I really just hate wasting food. He keeps going on and on about how I want to poison him he asks me if I am smart enough to know, he tells me to go ask his mother what she would thing about keeping chicken for a week because "she is the dumbest woman he knows" and she will tell you its not safe.
Even after I submit to him and say okay I will throw it out blah blah blah he just can't stop there he keeps at me so then I get mad and since my daughter in not with us I raise my voice (I do not call him any names but I just get a bit louder in my approach) he calls me the normal ****, stupid, ******...whatever else he wants to ..... over god damn chicken....
Yes he can be 100% right about the chicken needing to be thrown out but he doesn't have to react this way... am I wrong about this or does he have the right to go off on me???? I honestly don't know. Because then he goes on to say that if he can't trust me to make good judgments about throwing out chicken, then he can't trust me to make other judgments about other things... And you know what I am thinking.... OMG he is probably right about that because I have had some pretty scary incidents with my daughter (she was playing with a toy once and got a small battery out, don't ask me how she opened it but she did, she could have swallowed it but I caught it on time. Another time she stuck a piece of chip up her nose but luckily I was able to get it out. and one other time she somehow got ahold of my travel Advil case and opened it (again I don't know how) but once again I caught her in time before she at them) He said he can't trust my judgment about "other things" OMG look at all the stupid things above that happened that could have injured her severely????
I am doubting everything I have ever done and am really believing he is right about me..... I am really depressed and hating myself right now. I have been on the verge of breaking down for a week now.
Also last night he usually goes to the gym but he decided he wants to rest his shoulder because he pulled something. So he says what do you want to do lets go walk around the mall... it was about 7:30 at the time. I said no I don't want to go because I have to bath my daughter and I have to also wash my hair tonight, lol.... he doesn't like hearing the word NO.... he says I don't need to do those things tonight I can do them tomorrow, why does he come home early from work if I don't want to do anything what is the point of this work life balance....OMG really I don't even have the choice to say that I prefer to say home so I can get some other crap done!!! Then this morning after I apologize for all of our arguing the night before he says he's sorry too but next time he suggests going for a walk just go for a walk with him because he didn't get his workout in and I should realize he needs to get some exercise or whatever.... OMG is everything all about him...
Or is everything all about me.... because I am making too much of this and I should just suck it up... am I just viewing all of this from my own warped filter and playing the victim role?
I.am.so.lost.and.confused.right.now.sometimes.I.think.maybe.mydaughter.would.be.better.off.without.m e.I.am.so.pathetic.
Only you can decide.
The first thing you have to do is stop saying things like your last sentence. Beating yourself up is only making things worse. You have to pull yourself together for the sake of your 2 yr old daughter.
You can choose to no longer be a victim. You can choose to stop beating yourself up. You can choose to get help. Or you can choose to let things continue to stay as they are with the knowledge that not only will they not get any better until you change them, but that they will also get worse with time. By staying w/him, YOU are ENABLING his behavior. By staying with him, you are responsible for your daughter being abused by him (even if she is "only witnessing" what he's doing to you. By staying, you are slipping further into the abyss of victimhood and dysfunctional behavior.
I am not judging you here. I am stating facts. Those of us who have responded to you have been, or are still, where you are. We have experienced what you've been experiencing. We KNOW that the ONLY way to stop this is if YOU change you.
That means getting help and getting out of the toxic environment. As long as you stay, it is exactly the same as you walking thru a door marked "plague." It's really hard not to be dysfunctional when one is immersed in that dysfunction. Living in toxicity creates a kind of 'brain fog' where we cannot see the forest for the trees. Abuse causes the hippocampus to shrink and that means, among other things, it affects your ability to make decisions because you cannot see all the options clearly. Abuse also causes trauma bonding which also makes it hard to see things more objectively and even harder to leave.
PLEASE find a good trauma release therapist who understands the dynamics and affects of abuse. (Not all therapists are trauma release therapists and even more don't have a clue when it comes to abuse.) Do NOT do couples counseling.
Even w/therapy, when we stay, its a constant battle AND when we stay, we are teaching our children that it is OK TO BE ABUSED and it is OK TO ABUSE OTHERS.
NOTHING will change him. It's up to you to SAVE yourself and your child! You both deserve better!
~healing hugs~
As many of you probably know, I have a fear of driving. I have my full license but I literally DON"T drive any where because of this fear. Since we are putting my daughter in daycare one day a week my husband has said its up to me to get her there and pick her up even though we carpool to work.
I have two weeks before I will have to start driving myself to work and her to daycare. So my husband brings it up again today in the car saying do you want me to leave the car for you tomorrow so you can practice and I say "I guess" this comment start a barrage of insults simply because he thinks I should be jumping up and down about getting in a car and driving.
He said he is sick of me being weak and he doesn't want to be with a weak person and he is yelling at me like literally screaming at me. I tell him to lower his voice he doesn't need to speak to me this way but it continues. He says how can he trust me in the car with his daughter when I am showing no confidence etc etc.... (exactly, I don't have confidence, I am nervous as shit driving so why can't he just let this be) Anyways he continues to yell at me, calls me an f'en bitch and says that I can't even do this basic requirement as a mother (oh I am sorry I didn't realize driving was a prerequisite of being a mother) Then at the end of our drive to work he continues to scream at me saying I am a horrible driver the worst driver he has ever seen. I have two weeks to fix this. He later texts me to say he wants me to drive 10 times in the next two weeks minimum to make him feel comfortable with driving my daughter.
So okay I get that "everyone" drives and its a right of passage for most people. I guess I am not most people, I am 41 years old and I have a fear of driving. I don't really know where it comes from... maybe my years in personal injury litigation.... I don't know.
Regardless should he be helping me.. building me up or trying to come up with another solution? Or am I just out of my mind here? He make me feel like an utter useless piece of crap that can't really do anything, all that I am doing is wrong and on days like this I almost feel like maybe my daughter would be better off without a mother like me... maybe he should raise her on his own..
if its not this it that she is sleeping with me or that she doesn't eat well with me on and on and on....
Side note: This is random but just an example of issues I go through daily. I posted a picture of my daughter with the tim Horton's smile cookie on Face book on the weekend captioned "someone is super happy about her big cookie" and my MIL responds.... "I hope she had her lunch first".... really that is your response on facebook.... Thanks for that
You really need to do this because the more you stay the more detrimental it'll be to not only your health but your daughters' as well. She isn't at an age where she can know, understand, and comprehend what's going on but, I guarantee you, she can sense and instinctively know that things are off and wrong and that this causes her stress.
I am here to say things are about the same, I don't know if they are getting worse or if I am just becoming more and more numb to the situation.
This morning was a rough morning for my daughter she was upset and didn't want to go to her grandmothers house and was crying. My husband usually drops her off in the morning (his mom is in the same building as our condo but a different unit) he basically just took her out of my arms didn't let me kiss her goodbye and I followed them to the elevator and her him yell "shut up" to her.. . she is not even 2 and a half yet. Then he told me he slapped her on the butt two times to "snap her out of her crying fit" of course it made her cry worse.
We then had a fight about it and he said I need to control her better and she has been coddled too much and thats the reason she is so upset at times. I had no choice but to let her "fuss" in bet this morning because I too had to get ready for work but he expects me somehow to have magic powers to keep her happy at all times.
Anyways again he apologized for the outburst said he wants to be nicer to me and not "abusive to his daughter". He says he think he is depressed maybe because the holidays are approaching maybe because he is upset he lost some money on a bad stock option, maybe because he is not further in his career, or because he hasn't boughten a new car and we don't have a house.... I understand depression, I really do I have it as well but I would never treat someone the way he does us. I kind of even tuned him out when he was talking because I feel like if he says all of this he is "forgiven" for all his bad behaviour. I don't know maybe that is mean of me.... He also brought up how he almost feels suicidal.... again I don't want to think the worst but I feel this is another tactic for me to feel sorry for him.
I don't know anymore its very tough and at the same time it gets easier to just stay because I have for so long,, you know?